Tangential lyrics from an obscure rapper whose only song I've ever heard is a mix of a hillbilly and a black man rapping together are the best way to title a post I think. Just ask Cara. It's also customary to start a post with a long and grammatically dubious sentence.
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. On Tuesday night, around 8:30 PM Central time, I nearly died. And not the kind of nearly died where someone almost hit me in traffic or one of those instances where you later find out he really did have a gun. No, no. This was mortal peril.
I was eating a steak. Not just some T-bone either; it was the most delicious Chateaubriand I've ever had. And also the most deadly. I was slicing it in cross sections and devouring it. However the steak being somewhat wider in the middle, this quickly became a problem. I ended up slicing a piece so large (I was somewhat drunk, quite hungry, and very tired at this point) that I was having a hard time just chewing it. But the meat was medium rare, and I thought I could get away with swallowing it. I was wrong.
Suddenly I was choking. Full on, couldn't breathe choking. What nobody tells you is that it hurts. Alot. A piece of meat as wide as your palm wedged into your thoat is not a pleasant sensation. That's the first thing you focus on. The next is if you have any time to accept this situation and figure a way out of it without betraying your cool exterior. You have none. "Well," your panicked mind reasons, "perhaps I can still breathe through my nose. I'll just route around the problem." No joy. Odd squealing noises that draw the attention of your dining party, but that's it. Finally the punching of your own chest. Now people begin to spring into action, but on your final self-heimlich the offending meat is expelled, tactfully into a napkin.
In conclusion, if you're going to be dining in Carlyle, Illinois, I reccomend Patrick's on the square, and chewing your food thoroughly.
- Scott
P.S. My wonderful Photo Blog is updated again.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
A lotta ho's hope you choke and stay broke...
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Meat is murder. You thought that meant for the animal it once belonged to...but now you know the truth. Vegetarians aren't vegetarians because they love and respect animals...NO! They're vegetarians because they fear the raw, unfettered power of a chateaubriand without morals, without qualms, without boundaries! And you really, really don't want to get me started on NY Strip Steaks. *shudder*
ReplyDelete(sidebar - I am not a vegetarian. I flirt with danger daily.)
Ducks...either all your friends have stopped loving you...or no one wants to follow my 'meat is murder' act.
ReplyDeleteI know! What's the deal? I almost die and... no one cares?! I mean, long winded post, sure. I didn't even mention half of the things I meant to.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, at no point during the actual choking process did I even consider performing what I was taught was the "international sign for choking" which consisted of my hands clutching my own throat. This would have served only to choke myself more. Instead I think the international sign for choking should be frantic pointing to one's self/one's throat, as this is my instinctive response.
Anyway, you're right. What's the deal?
In any case I appreciate your comments. I think you're back on the Top 5. I'd like Grade A(my) Woman to join you, but I'm searching for a justification. She's still not Facebook friends with me. Ah well. You still win.
- Scott
I haven't commented because your comically whimsical misadeventures of eating steak and buying girls t-shirts makes my finals-driven existence seem unfullfilling. How dare you broaden my horizons! That's, like, one of the ten commandments or something.
ReplyDeleteA-ha! I think we have our reason. I had forgotten it's finals season. A much better theory than my original thinking, which was basically that people stepped away from their computers and... I don't know... went outside? Whatever people used to do. Chasing a wheel down a dirt road with a stick? Probably.
ReplyDelete- Scott
P.S. It wasn't a T-shirt. It was a Cowl Neck Top, which is a great way to dress up a casual look and can be worn with just about anything. Featuring a cowl neck with short sleeves. Polyester / rayon / lycra. Hand wash. Made in USA.
ReplyDelete...you were way off.
- Scott
P.P.S. The first two sentences of my original reply to Jake read like the setup to a limmerick.
ReplyDeleteYeah, actually that's totally it... I've got 50 pages due on Tuesday. A final on Thursday. And another final the following Tuesday. After that, I'll be back on the commenting circuit.
ReplyDelete