Hans and Franz never saw this comming.

I never pictured myself as the kind of guy who goes to a gym. For any reason. Really when you're built like this, naturally, who needs to spend time in such a place? So you can imagine my surprise that I now find myself there a couple of times a week. Largely this is the fault of boredom. I've so little to do in Jerseyville, this is my recourse. But I'm glad, because it's allowed me a few revelations that I believe will revolutionize the work out industry.

First of all, I can bench alot. I regularly lift an intimidating 90 pounds. Which I rationalize is roughly the equivalent of 1000 iPods. That's alot! If you measure it in music I could be lifting as much as 1,000,000 individual songs. However, the actual weights I add to the bar to make it weigh 90 pounds are embarrassingly small. So what I propose is less dense 5, 10, and 25 pound weights. In fact, they should be made mostly of air. And have the same imposing look as the fifty pounders. And if possible display an impressive number on the side.

Secondly, treadmills. Every other treadmill should be broken. As it is, I go and I take one that's in the middle, or to the side, or wherever seems least likely to get some old woman next to me. But without fail I always get one. Always. Then I can't focus on anything but their heartrate and speed. As a strapping young lad I have to have the heartrate lower, and the speed higher. Regardless of what I was doing before.

Maybe I was cooling down, getting off it. Not anymore. Now I'm in a pissing contest with this lady. I ran an extra two songs (how I measure time) just because this middle aged lady thought she was going to be at 3.5 speed and 140 heartrate. Pfft. I'll show her! I kicked it up to 4.0 and managed to keep a nice steady 133 bpm. Hers just kept climbing. A derisive faux-laugh and I got triumphantly disembarked the treadmill.

Finally, when I use a machine where you set a pin in a certain amount of weight, I always make sure to set it to a ridiculous amount after I finish. I do this very discreetly, and only if someone is clearly waiting to use it after me. When this is the case, I take an adjacent machine, whether or not I can use it, and watch them either try to use mine and marvel at my strength, or adjust it to their shameful lower setting. So if there were machines that did this automatically they would save me literally minutes from my workout.

I've also come to the conclusion that I am the pettiest person ever to enter the Wellness Center. But hey, somebody has to be right?

- Scott