Oh the hairmanity

"Welcome to MasterCuts, I understand you're here for an interview."

"Yes, I'd really like to work here"

"Well, I have a few questions for you. First of all, do you suck at cutting hair?"

"No."

"I'm sorry, this interview is over. Please leave, and never come anywhere near our franchises"

That's the scene that's played out over a thousand MasterCuts's hundreds of times a year. A qualified applicant decides she wants to work there and the manager laughs for a good three minutes then throws her out on her ass. Trust me, it's what happened, it MUST be. Because I was just there. I usually go to His Excellency in Alton where the customer is King, and oddly, the staff knows how to cut hair. If you can imagine such a place. MasterCuts apparently, cannot.
I should have known it was going to go badly for my hair the second I walked in. I even left an away message to this effect:

One man, one hair cut, millions of individual hairs. The dilemma; to wait in my cousin 'It' like stage on the only place I get my hair cut, or...THE DREADED MALL HAIR CUT.

Damn it, I'm off to get my beautiful hair butchered.

But I went in anyway, and lo and behold they asked me what I was there for. "An ice cream cone and a blow job what the hell else?" I thought, "A hair cut" I said. Despite my specific instructions on how I wanted my hair cut I got an "I think I know what you mean, now that I have some dumbass idea in my head I can shut my brain off...ah that's better" from the 'hair cut expert'. She was one of those people that it's pretty clear went into cutting hair because McDonalds requires too much thought and she hasn't found her sugar daddy yet.

Then she began the hair cut, I should have known not to go there in the first place, but I should have bolted from the chair when she seemed to have trouble figuring out how to put the 'hair cut cape' on me. I watched in horror as she went at my hair with the scissors the way drunken freshmen go after girls at the bar. Except the drunken freshmen probably have the edge with their slightly better motor skills and thought process. I tried to correct for her mistakes with suggestions but in the end I probably made it worse. By the time it was over I looked like an extra in a Flock of Seagulls video.

The kicker: Somehow she managed to make it look like I have a cone head. Which is almost impossible because I know for a fact I have an abnormally round head. To give you an idea of how bad it was, when I got home (about 10 minutes ago) I whipped out the scissors and fixed it myself. The scary thing is that I did a better job than she did. So now it looks passable. But I'm seriously considering sending her a pair of broken scissors and a copy of this post.

- Scott