No Thought vs. No Talent. WHO WILL PREVAIL?

I just got back from AVP, or Alien vs. Predator. I think you can guess how that went. It was like the directors of the so called 'film' decided to squat over the chest of Hollywood and squeeze out a steaming log on it. What. A. Pantload. The movie would make an excelent MST3k. I had a good time tearing it to pieces, and naturally the people around me enjoyed my biting commentary.

The saddest point in the movie was when the writers noticed they were 40 minutes into the film without any established plot, or background. Which they proceeded to try to cram into a 5 minute transistion that there wasn't any plot for. Oh, and why not use annoying cliche's instead of dialogue. Great, cut it, print it. And that's our backstory. It was like trying to put a hat on a decapitated corpse. Yeah, that'll cover it. All better now...

In fact, I think the actors were just so embarassed of the movie they tried to make up a backstory right then and there. "Hey we've got 10 minutes to kill. Anybody got anything we could do?" "Well, lets poorly improv some kind of gap filler inner." "Yes, and well said."

Another annoyance was the archaeologist. Sort of a Daniel Jackson from Stargate meets the voiceover guy from the discovery channel. Following suit with everyone else he talked like a douchebag. Each and every line of this movie was as stilted as a trailer in Louisiana. But this asshole was by far the worst. He teetered between the most painfully ovbious comments and the most terribly wrong statements. For instance; the predator had killed an alien and was using it's acidic blood to give himself "tribal markings". Anoying Archaeologist Boy interjects this gem: "Now he's marking himself."
Very good, now what does the kitty cat say? Then, "...They need us. They use us like cattle to breed more of the aliens" What the hell kind of people use their cattle like that? I think I want to rent out the theater and have this movie playing just to make fun of it properly. Sort of a MST2k+4. It's a working title, lay off me.

One final nail in the coffin of this cinematic dead horse: apparently in Antartica all you need to stay warm is a long sleve tee-shirt. Also, don't worry there is no need to cover your face, nor will your breath won't show up in the air. And if there's an explosion, don't worry. You can easily out run it on foot. You can also out pace hyper advanced aliens of various descriptions. Why not? You're a middle aged scientist, you should be in peak physical condtion. Maybe the movie is better when you're on drugs, it was clearly written that way. BY 10 YEAR OLDS. It's like a script you'd get from kids waiting in line for Yugi-Oh the movie. My advice: wait for the dollar matinees, you'll still feel cheated but at least you'll only be out a dollar. - Scott