Whoa, retro

So I'm watching Billy Madison on Comedy Central, and aside from noticing how it didn't really stand the test of time for me (the last time I saw it I think I nearly peed my pants, clearly I'm much more snobbish about my comedy these days) I noticed one minor, minor scene that sparked a montage style flashback for me. It was when Richard fell over a bench and some extra quipped "Oh! Did you see that guy's nuts?" If I were heckleing myself I would say "Yeah that really narrows the number of flashbacks." And then I would tell myself "Hey shutup, I'm telling a story here!" And then my readers would get tired of this particular device and I would move on with the story.

The montage showed flickers of my stripper phase. I don't think we've really discussed it here and I think we need to. You see, one fine day at some multi-high school event I was attending, I had a little time to kill. In fact, many of my friends and I had some time to kill, and you all know what that means. It means I had an audience. So, randomly, serendipitiously I picked a song on the jukebox in the cafeteria of whatever school we happened to be at. The song was "Like a Virgin" by Madonna. ("Naturally!" Hey voice in my head, I'm trying to type a post. Be good and I'll let you rip on Tara Reid. "...fine.") Anyway, at this point I just felt some primal, in-born need. A need I couldn't control. A need so deep it was like the laws of nature didn't apply to me anymore. I was to strip. And strip I did. On a table. In front of everybody. It was as if everything I was boiled down to seducing everyone in the room. Women swooned, men laughed, children cried.

Wait a second, children cried?! Yes, sadly I think I spooked one little girl I hadn't even seen. So about two minutes into my routine (when I was running low on ideas for new and exotic ways to bust a move) I decided that I should stop... to applause. So it was that I began what is warmly recalled as my "stripper phase". Other high lights of the era include bursting through the door at the girl's only cast party and promptly stripping to my boxers.

My best attempt at a suave look. Good lord. What was I thinking?

I'll tell you what I wasn't thinking; that in about 30 seconds I would be made fully nekid by two of the fine ladies pictured (technically, one is taking the picture). Caroline and Kylie totally de-boxered me. Much to the arousal and surprise of the present ladies. In fact Andrea Sherman wept for the beauty of the thing. I choose to ignore that she ran away weeping. I think I remember her saying "that's the first time I've seen one of those!" Anyway this performance was so good it demanded a second performance. I really didn't want to do this one as by now the schtick had grown old for me. But since it was for such a special girl (one I had been faux hitting on to aggravate her for the past year or so, oh and she was my show choir partner) I did it anyway. The first part of the gift was a series of pictures. Here's the only digital copy of those photos:

I went with the ever classy naked folk singer draped in the American flag motif. In the others it actually IS draped around me, this time it's my backdrop.

The socks you might ask about, well, they're a subtle homage to a girl who had earlier posed naked in my school. She was underaged so it caused a big hullabaloo, but I thought it was funny that she kept her socks on when she was otherwise naked. Anyway, the gift of a series (of about 7 nekkid pictures) was presented, but the guy who put me up to this wanted more, in fact everybody wanted more. So I stripped (I really hadn't anticipated the need and didn't wear boxers that were... appropriate to my exotic needs). All was well until I lifted my leg, in my haste to be seductive I forgot how loosely my boxers fit around my legs. I had basically flashed 40-ish people. Including teachers and one special girl who screamed "That's the second time I've seen it!" Sorry Andrea, but you know where your eyes were. It's was a big room, and brag as I may, I only fill so much of it.

If you, or anyone you know have memories of this most excellent era of my life, feel free to share them below.

- Scott