What's in a name?

An even number of vowel's and consonants? Four letters? A topic cliched by Shakespeare and nameless writers before and after him? No, what's in a name is ammo. Ammo for people to make fun of you in grade school. Like if your name is Duncan, you can fully expect me to call you Duncan Donuts in clever and cutting ways until you cry. And that was in kindergarten, just imagine the horrors he went through when the Highlander TV series took off. Looking back, I'm still not sorry; you shouldn't have taken my girl brah.

The reason I bring it up, as you've all had the good luck to avoid discussing thus far, is because Britney finally squeezed out her little hellspawn and gave the demon-seed a name. That name: Preston. The last time I heard that name was the in-class reading of a narrative in which I constructed the most twisted, demented person you could imagine... and named him Preston. The time before the last time I heard the name was in reference to Preston Kirby, and those of you who recogonize it can attest to it's... unique effect. For those of you who don't, think of the worst kind of hoodlum. Now you're with us.

So I have this to say to Britney: you're well on your way to being poor white trash (again), and you're the kid's responsible parent. Then you go and name it Preston. Congratulations, now he just has to wait until your sex tape comes out round about 5th grade and his life will be effectively ruined.

This I have to say to all parents: whatever you were going to name your child (especially daughters, they end up with the dumbest names imaginable) don't. I know you want to give the kid some name that's different, or new, or based on some pop icon (do we seriously need people named Shakira running around?) just don't do it. Oh and to you hyper-conservative parents, whatever you were going to name your kid, also don't. If I meet another Emily, Lauren (or Lauren based name), or Sara(h) I'm going to freak the hell out. These names are fine, but they've had their run. Let them go.

As long as we're on the topic of girl names, whatever you name the kid DO NOT give her the middle name Ann. And if you're feeling really creative, also don't give her the middle name Ann spelled with an 'e' i.e. Anne. It's not a name at all, it's a boolean operator mispronounced. If you say "Umm" when the nurse asks for your daughter's middle name, Ann is the name they write down. Nicole is what they write down if they've already had 10 Ann's that day. So the point is, before you name a kid check with me. Please? Run your children's names past me at will below.

- Scott

P.S. Today is international talk like a pirate day. Avast!