Well, I just got back from a pretty insane weekend. Here's a run down of what happened, a friend from high school became a porn star, she's shot 3 "pictures" and has a non-exclusive 6 picture deal with the illustrious Cherryboxxx Productions. I'd like to take a minute to thank her for never showing any interest in me whatsoever. I mean, it's not like your standards are THAT high, you're now having sex with anonymous people for money. I had money. And what's more I had time. So thanks alot for not even offering to sleep with me if I paid you. Not that I would have, that would look bad for me. But seriously, enjoy the "work" while it lasts, it can't be very hard. As the woman in the porno your obligations are to lay there, take it, and wonder how you all of a sudden got sooooo naked.
The other insane thing that happened this weekend was that my brother, who is apparently the Donald Trump of his age group, bought a very nice 20 foot power boat. I tried to find a picture of it, but none of them are the right model. Suffice it to say it's a pretty ridiculous purchase for him to make. The most ridiculous part of it was that he only started talking about wanting a boat about a week ago. It's like we were driving down the road and he saw a boat for sale and decided "I want a boat, I think I'll buy one". Despite not dealing drugs he somehow had enough for half of it and convinced my parents to finance the other half. Enjoy the interest on your yacht P. Diddy. I'm sure you'll really enjoy it. I know I will...
One last thing, if you're going to go skiing in the foreseeable future, start doing "grabbing on to things" exercizes. I found out during the course of the day that I apprarently have the grip of an arthritic sherpa. By the end of the day skiing behind Ross's big new boat I couldn't make a fist to save my life. My fingers decided that they're not getting overtime for this crap and promptly punched out. The last time I went to ski behind the boat I couldn't hold onto the bar long enough to get up on top of the water. It was pretty lame considering I usually clock a grip like my name was Dolemite. (See my bottom five list #2.) Oh well, next weekend I'll own that sucka. Then we'll see what's up.
- Scott
P.S. I have a tiny summer vacation comming up (July 8th through the 22nd). Hit me up with some summer vacation ideas. The less practical the better. Thanks in advance.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Livin' Large
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Oh yeah, read this review of Dolemite (or Dolomite as the modern day rappa's spell it). It made me laugh pretty hard. I feel can safely say that this is by far the best film of all time.
ReplyDelete- Scott
The page keeps changing the review they display so here it is verbatim:
ReplyDeleteDolemite" is the touching story of Dolemite (Gotta love blaxploitation film titles), an ex-con who probably should still be in jail. He gets in trouble with cops, friends, drug dealers, women, prostitutes, and society in general. He's just not that likable a guy. Neither is the movie, though it's still hilarious and worth watching.
The flimsy premise is that Dolemite (played with as much enthusiasm as star Rudy Ray Moore can muster) is in jail for a crime he claims he didn't commit. When a drug hit or a drug bust or drug something is about to go down, the warden releases him to stop it, or help it, or just watch it. Not very clear. All I know is that I was unaware that the justice system frees convicts in order to allow them to prove their own innocence. My ignorance, I guess.
The plot is convoluted and unimportant, basically Dolemite goes around killing people (Usually with very poorly choreographed karate), having sex, and cursing out people, sometimes even rhyming too. The joys of the movie are its total incompetence, and its total indifference in the matter.
I stopped counting the number of times I saw the boom mike after it was in one scene for the entire duration (about two minutes of film). I stopped questioning why the warden was looking down at where Dolemite was sitting, even after he stood up and walked around, when they cut back to the establishing shot and Dolemite was inexplicably sitting down again. I stopped wondering why Dolemite dressed like that when he got naked on the street to change, because he didn't want to get in his car with the ugly (read: normal) clothes the jail gave him. And I stopped wondering where he learned karate when he jiggles his hand on a guy's stomach and somehow cuts him open. The only time I was ever remotely nervous and tense was when the disgusting, flabby white mayor is walking around totally naked with nothing but a towel hanging around his neck which just barely covers him up. You keep saying "Cut away...cut away...cut away" but by the time they do, you are already emotionally scarred.
The movie is ridiculous in every way imaginable. Moore as Dolemite, is either funny, cool, or both. If you're on the lookout for a bad movie, you have found it with "Dolemite."
I, personally, would feel a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that one of the prettiest girls in my school turned out to be a porn star. And not one of the cheerleaders (because amatuer porn doesn't count) but one of those chicks that like, played three sports, was a peer leader, sang in the chorus and tried to make Academic Decathalon look cool.
ReplyDeleteTHAT girl, as a porn star, would be poetry.
Kind of wierd if I do say so.
ReplyDeleteI'll be back in IL around your vacation time. Should be July 18-23 or so, then another week with the family. We'll have to do something.
I was like, woah, 4 comments already? But half of them was you. So that doesn't count. Remember back in the day when it was like: "hey, did you hear "So-in-so" was a Hooters girl." And everyone acted like that was a big deal. My how things have changed.
ReplyDeleteRo and I had a good conversation about what it would be like to be married to a porn star (brought upon by before mentioned story). Imagine what the end of the day table talk would be like...
"Hey honey, how was your day?"
"Oh man, I'm exhausted."
"Long day at work, eh?"
"Yeah, I had a 5-way gang bang before lunch, and it was all downhill from there."
Sorry, my vacation idea was slightly practical. I'll think of something better.
ReplyDeleteI was waiting for one more comment before I responded to comments. I hate commenting too much on my own blog, for exactly the reasons Rob so lightly pointed out. But I do like to reply to people. What a conundrum.
ReplyDeleteEnough of that, Wendy: Don't get me wrong it is a bit satisfying. (Hmm, debating whether or not I should have used the word "satisfying". (Double hmm, I really shouldn't have used the word "debaitng" anywhere in this post)). But she wasn't one of those really straight laced girls. She was more of cheerleader/dancer. So you KNOW she got around.
Har-dog, we can totally do something on those days. Practicality notwithstanding. I was thinking of a trip to Kentucky Lake and renting a pontoon boat. Something about hillbilly vacations really appeals to me. But there's also the possiblity that I'll just drive down to Gulf Shores, AL and tent camp on the beach. Either way, good times.
Rob, yeah those pre-nooner gangbangs really sap your energy for the rest of the day. Especially when you're the only man in the dogpile. Err, I've said too much.
- Scott
I'll have you know that *I* was one of those dancer/cheerleader girls and I... sadly... did emphatically not get around. Damn my Catholic upbringing. I could have been raking it in as a porn star right about now.
ReplyDeleteCatholic girls are either really really celibate, or really really REALLY slutty. Either way the knee socks and plad skirt really work for them.
ReplyDelete- Scott
Summer vacation idea: Get the biggest, longest piece of tarp you can find and grab a hose, and even a sprinkler if you're daring. Make your own slip n slide.
ReplyDeleteOn a hill is the best, especially when you slide into a huge muddy puddle at the end.
To jazz it up a bit so it isn't so juvenille, try not checking for rocks first! Ha...
Enjoy vacation!
~c
Oh no! No! Corie, apparently, you do not heed the warnings of the infallible Dane Cook, "Slip and Slide! Would have been fun if Dad checked for rocks before he laid it down, Slip and Bleed from the aaaaanus they should have called it."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete...continued..."Yeah, Good thing I was wearing that tampon!" Ha, I love Dane Cook, I think subconsciously that's were my comment stemmed from.
ReplyDelete"Bees, eff bees, I'd punch them in the face..."
~c
I'm partial to the BK Lounge bit.
ReplyDelete"Bun seeds, no bun seeds. Pickles. Pickles. Cheese, pickles. How much? Mmm... cheese."
I love that man. Apparently, he's from Boston. I may have to stalk him.
Man, maybe I should have left this post up longer. The comments in here are getting pretty good. Any reference to Dane Cook is greatly welcome; I love that guy. I'm with Wendyloo on the love of the BK bit. "My brother thought that he WAS the Burger King". Then the bit about people at the drive thru, hilarious.
ReplyDeleteLast night, I was in Newbury Comics waiting for a friend who called to say he was lost. Oh GOD how I hate being the annoying cell phone girl but he didn't want to get off the phone so instead, he told me all the landmarks he passed while I oh so quietly said, "Yes. Good. Keep going straight." That is, until he said, "I see a guy in a poncho. He's crossing the street. Does that help?" And I... may have gotten overly excited by the prospect of making a joke and said, much too loudly, "His name is Hank; he'll take you to the whopper lair..." thus amusing all the cool people in the Rock&Pop A through J section.
ReplyDeleteThe uncool people put their hoods back up.
By the time the 100th person comes up to me asking for directions to the bathroom I want to either punch them in the face or tell them the shortcut is through Camp Snoopy and that they have to go down a floor and go all the way to the opposite side. "And there will be a guy in a Charlie Brown costume, flap your arms like a chicken and he'll know to bring you into the bathroom lair."
ReplyDeleteBut usually I just tell them up one floor and past the gift shop, only to hear them say "That's the closest one?!"
It is directly above us! If it got any closer I'd be standing in the toilet! "Ummmm, Hellooo?"
~c