Neolocal Bliss

I never realized it before, but I blog better without an audience. Not you (where you is the person (undoubtedly a hot girl (an issue I will address a bit further down in this post)) reading this). I mean it's hard for me to blog with other people in the room. It's just some weird hang-up I have. Like the way I can't allow anyone to actually witness me shaving. Seeing as that only happens about twice a month, it isn't much of an issue yet. But don't get me wrong here, I'm pretty bohemian about most things. For instance, I gleefully take a crap with the door open. It's very liberating.

And all of this leads into my rant on why I, Scott Gresham, the man you all revere as a demi-Sex-God, am single. For those of you who didn't know: yes, now is the appropriate time to gasp. A hand covering the mouth is also warranted. I believe it was Rob who pointed out "For all the girls who want you, which are most of the ones you've met in your lifetime, you seem to actually date none of them, also; you're better than me in life, and as a person." Now I realize it's surprising. But I really am better than him as a person. Also, it's shocking that I don't actually date any of them, that is, it's shocking to the outsider. But to me it makes perfect sense. They just don't fall into my loosely defined set of guidelines. Let me break it down with nice bulleted points for you.

1. She must be of the same religion but less pious than I. Now I know this might sound preachy or whatever you'd call it, but I'm thinking long term here. Biblically we're all supposed to get crowns upon entering heaven. And the grand-ness of the crown reflects the person's deeds in life. And you have that crown FOREVER. I can't let my wife have a bigger crown than me for all eternity. I just won't have it. So, she has to be slightly less "good" than me.
   
2. She must be an orphan. I know, I know. Why would you want to marry an orphan. But there's some serious strategy here. For one, I wouldn't ever have to meet her parents. We all know that's awkward. Plus most of the people I know eventually have the same conversation with me it starts like this "You know something funny? I used to hate you." My first impression isn't always golden. This would take care of that. Also it would cause her to have more dependance on me. Which is a good thing because it gives me more influence.
   
3. She must be less (everything) than me. This is because I'm not marrying a girl that's taller/smarter (like that's possible)/stronger/faster/heavier/cleverer/funnier (again, unlikely)/better at swimming/has more degrees than me. It's extreme, but pretty much all guys think this on some level. I mean really, if a girl can beat me in Electronic Talking Battleship, I'm pretty much never going to talk to her again. Chalk it up to a fragile male ego, but I am not dealing with that. She can live alone with her extreme Milton/Bradley game skill and her cats for the rest of her life. Good riddance.
   
4. She must not have progeria. Seriously. This is just common sense.
   
5. She must be OK with not having a job. Two income households? Pfft. Forget that crap. Career women need not apply. Unless that career includes cleaning the house and making delicious meals. Also looking really hot. And child care. And looking really hot. Because if that's the career you're fine. Other than that though... I kind of frown on. She may feel free, however, to belong to the DAR, a bridge group, M.A.D.D. or any other adorable non-employed female organizations. But no real job. Especially not one where she could potentially earn more money than me. This relates to rule #3.
   
6. She must be a girl who laughs for no one else; when I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf. When I'm away she never leaves the hou-hou-hou-house. I want a girl who laughs for no one else. Self explanatory.
   
7. Accents are cool. It would be nice if she had one. Like an English one. That's classy.
   

That's it. 7 Simple Rules for dating my no-longer teenaged self. There's easily dozens of girls in the world who fit this description. Sadly none of them go to my school. So for the moment, yes, I am single. But don't get discouraged ladies, just because you're not an English orphan who consistently loses at Battleship doesn't mean I'll ignore you. But we'll consider that strike one. Sound good? I thought so.

- Scott

The above ideas expressed do not necessarily represent Scott's actual views on male/female relations... They just mostly do. But if you're hot enough he will gladly ignore this list of qualifications and focus on you as a "person". Also if you have a good personality... err... yeah that too.

P.S. Everyone follow the Rob link under my Top Five List to see his views on male relationships.