Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of National Treasure

Last night I made the mistake of going and seeing Indiana Jones IV. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, the movie was passable, the theater was awesome, and I like staying out late. Unfortunately I also woke up at 5:00 in the godforsaken morning that day. As a result by the time I got to the theater at 12:00 AM the next morning I was coming up on 20 hours of being awake.

Unfortunately all the booze, caffeine, and slap happiness coursing through my veins was not enough to stem the high tide of George Lucas's utter bastardization of the Indy franchise. So steel yourself and prepared for the horror as I review Indiana Jones, and the aging director.

Warning! Thar be spoilers past this point.

Let me be clear, I enjoyed a few things about this movie. So I'll get them out of the way first.

The Good

• Indy's back; Harrison Ford doesn't suck.
  
• Still casts the same shadow. See above.
  
• Whip technology in the '50s is as conveniently plot obliging as it was in the '30s.
  

That said, I'll now indulge the bitchy high school gossip queen side of my personality, and tell you all the things that made me want steal the T.A.R.D.I.S., go back in time and kill George Lucas the instant filming wrapped on The Last Crusade.

The Bad

• Shiite LaBeowulf. Or whatever the shit his name is made a respectable showing... for his first few minutes of screen time. Sure he dramatically burst into focus as a hodgepodge of '50s stereotypes riding a motorcycle and broadcasting "douche bag" at 50,000 decibels, but if I could accept Kate Capshaw for an entire movie, this post-pubescent little asshat was not going to bring me down. I would enjoy this movie if it took every last ounce of my rapidly waning alertness.
  
  But then he just kept being in the movie. I think I lasted as far as his bonding with his dad in the jungle... but then it happened. When you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about already. Imagine the most ridiculous thing that could happen in what is ostensibly an adult action/adventure movie. Now add two suitcases of ridiculous and you're close:
  
  The little shit gets swept up into the vines hanging from trees. There, he quickly befriends the monkey king or something equally cocked up, and learns to swing like from vine to vine like Tarzan. It wasn't so much that I minded, it's acceptable for a swing or two. But the obnoxious little Ben Savage clone used it to chase down motor vehicles racing through the jungle. And when he got there, his new monkey friends all but joined him in a Disney-esque song about how if we work together we can overcome anything, as they helped him fight the film's main villain.
  
  
• The "Plot." It can be described thusly: take the plot of the upcoming X-Files movie. Fuse it with a National Treasure script. Make Indiana Jones the main character. Add feces. Also, if you can find a way for Indy to survive a nuclear blast using a kitchenette set, that's just aces. Really, I'm as into aliens and nuclear holocaust as the next sci-fi obsessed white male, but it does not belong in my Indiana Jones.
  
  
• Did I mention those fucking monkeys? At least in the old series they'd kill a monkey now and then. The modern incarnation is so family friendly, even the monkey that got thrown off the cliff gets to survive.
  
  
  
• Cate Blanchett. Looked like a Romulan.
  
  
  
  Tell me which one is not a Romulan. I dare you.
  
  
• Finally, unnecessary CGI. I've learned from you George. About myself. I've learned that I prefer campy live action stunts over plastic, sterile, boring CGI effects. Is it really that hard to get actors on location? Did you ever even leave the greater Los Angeles area or was this whole monstrosity shot against a green screen a la Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? Next time (and now I have no doubt that there will be a next time) how about you get those old saggy asses out in the elements and shoot anyone who suggests how much better they could make it look with a computer and eight hours in Maya.
  

So that's what I thought. Overall grade? C+. Though, do I think anyone cares? No. Everyone's going to see this, and damn it, I'm probably going to see it again. Lucas won't be happy until he's bastardized everything he ever made that had any value whatsoever. So enjoy this National Treasure/X-Files/Jones mash-up for what it is; an excuse to see Harrison Ford in that hat again.


Could we all just agree to kick George Lucas in the nuts before he remakes THX1138 with gigantic killer robots as he "always intended," though?

We're present, We like pheasant , Get used to it!

I'm tired of living like a stranger to my own feelings. I'm sick of the lies, the constant clearing my history on my computer. The incessant guilt I feel over lustful feelings. It's time I come out of the closet (or, birdhouse as the case may be...).

I'll be clear. On the one hand I like women. On the other hand, I like birds of prey. What I'm saying here is, put those hands together friend. And if you do, you'll come out with something like the following: Erotic Falconry.

I kid. My interests fall short of hot, cloaca on woman action. But I have to marvel at the human capacity to sexualize anything. For instance, do you fancy the idea of say... sensual guitar playing, naked in the shower? Then WetRiffs.com is for you. I think, because it sounds like easy blog posts, I shall investigate this phenomenon on a semi monthly basis.

Now, take a moment and reflect on how lucky you are if your sexual proclivities do not include /require birdwatching. Though to be fair to our orniphile friends, I'm starting to come (ahem), around. I mean, after all, Eagles are Awesome.

Opaque Foothills

I essentially decided that I could no longer stomach the idea of my 2.5+ hour round trip to work on the day it took me five and a half hours to get home amid snow, careening semi's, and a MacGyver'd route that involved a last minute dash to a ferry like some kind of wild-eyed, fleeing hobbit.

That day, I decided I would start looking at apartments. I did not realize that the snow storm that precipitated the decision would gradually give way to the shit-storm that is trying to find a decent apartment. Trying to find a decent apartment on Craigslist was essentially the same as trying to find a mentally healthy Oprah fan. And just as pleasant. After visiting a few apartments for rent from CL that looked like this online:

Grainy, but acceptable.

And looked like this* in person:

"Oh did we not mention there's no wall separating the bathroom from the living room? But it does come with some lovely random debris spread all over the apartment."

So I drove around and found Whisper Hollow. Now, before I make fun of it, I'll tell you it's a great apartment complex, and it couldn't be more affordable or in a better location. That said, it sounds like a place where the elderly come to die. Which is a problem I ran into in all the more commercial complexes: they have horrible names that fall into three categories.

1.) Retirement Home/Hospice. Whisper Hollow probably falls into this category, but in general, I've noticed a formula to the Retirement Home naming convention. And it is as follows: lighting condition + scenic geographical feature. This is the only explanation for the litany of apartments I saw, and old folks homes I accidentally walked into.

Examples: Sunset Hills. Shady Acres. Dusky Bluff. Smoky Hummocks. Diffuse Plateau...

Ok, one or two of those I made up. But I defy you to tell me which ones. I've found that these tend to be the best quality overall in the apartment market.

2.) Trust Fund Kid. On the other hand you have the faux-ritzy place that blatantly price gouges, but somehow still attracts shady tenants. And invariably they're named like the kid who references the sailing club way too much, and wears deck shoes to the exclusion of all other footwear.

Examples: Camden Westchase. Bercham Tudor. Easton Glen... etc.

3.) The NOUN. This is the absolute bottom rung, and avoid it at all costs. I only ran into it a handful of times, but every time it was bad. So bad in fact, that those in the know can always be counted on for a wistful head shake and a "Ah, yeah... that sounds like The NOUN."

Examples: The Pavilion. The Colony. The Ghetto.

The Colony is a real one, and the name carries weight. Though I'd say it was more like a hive... a wretched hive of scum and villainy. I had to be cautious.


And that... is what kept me so busy for so long. But I've found my place in the STL-verse. And it's near work and bars. What more could you ask?

*Sorry for the terrible image quality. The photo was taken from my phone, which is not regarded highly in photography circles. Also, I am not Tim, and ergo do not carry around a real digital camera in my always-equipped leather fanny pack.

Still Alive.

This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
< /Portal Quotes>

What can I add? GLaDOS pegged it. I've been reasonably satisfied with my life of late. If my life was the result of an eBay auction the seller's feedback would read something like:

"LOOKS EVEN BETTER IN PERSON! VERY HANDSOME!!! EXTREMEY (sic) FUN AND CLEVER. A+++++++++++++ Would purchace (sic) abstract concepts of life from again!"

And as a result, blogging has fallen by the wayside. You see, my disciples, I started blogging at a time in my life where I had 12+ hours of me-time everyday. I had a me-surplus, and as a result of leading a life too large for one man, portions of it spilled out onto the internet. As a necessity; a failsafe to prevent an explosion of such awesome magnitude as to rip the world in half.

But I've returned. Does this mean my life is going worse? Not really. I just don't like change, and I'm up to my ass in it right now. And in the last two weeks I've had 9 conversations I wrote down later because they needed to live on. So it seems I've got a me-surplus again. I'm just full of myself. And it's time I stopped being so selfish.

I'm back. For real.

And the winner is...

The American People. That's right everyone, I've officially become political. I'll get to that in a moment, but I wanted to make it clear that the car's name is officially Icarus. Again, I blame Robert Plant and Jimmy Page. But also the movie Sunshine. Take a minute of your time and watch the trailer at the very least.

Now, on to business. I've made some drastic changes to my life lately. These have required a lot of time, thought, and effort. I put in my two week's notice at work. I've talked to my friends and family. And I've decided that this is what I want.

I'm now on as a volunteer on the Hilary Clinton campaign. That won't come as a surprise to my closest friends. It's long been established that I'm a campaigner for women's rights. In many ways it was I that started the neo-feminist movement when I was just a lad. I remember fondly the day I struck the "No" from the sign indicating whether or not girls were allowed in my treehouse.

These ideals stuck with me, and now I have no choice but support the best candidate: Hilary. Despite what the sexist liberal media would tell you, she's a lawyer, a states... err... person, an astronaut, an interior designer, a paleontologist, and a stewardess. Actually... I might be thinking of Barbie. But in my eyes, they're indistinguishable anyway.

So I'll keep you posted from the campaign trail. She's currently got an unstoppable momentum, and her lead in the states that really matter is broad. Just like her. I'll leave you with a video the campaign's put together.

Thank you and may you be blessed by one or more God(s) or less.

- Scott

Everything except Road Head

Meet the new car, not the same as the old car:

Pre-Modded-Prius.

Thar she be. The new car, a 2008 Magnetic Grey Toyota Prius. The car itself is no less than fucking awesome. But before I get into all of that, I feel I must defend the choice. I shouldn't have to, but there are people who have an aversion to the car, if not an outright hate, and it's them I address now: read my below post, and piss off.

Now, on to the meat. The car is beautiful from a technical standpoint. I even like its vaguely teardrop shape. But technologically, it's a knockout. Here's a rundown of a few features I went crazy for long before I bought it:

• Joystick shifter.
  
• Hackable.
• Car senses my presence, unlocks when I grab handle.
• Key never has to leave my pocket, even to start the car.
  
• Backup camera.
  
• Touch-screen controls.
• iPod port to interface with the sound system.
• BlueTooth to interface with my phone.
  
• Four doors (screw folding a seat down for passengers.)
• Conversion kits to allow you to plug your Prius into your house to provide power. (Essentially making it a gigantic drivable emergency generator.)
  
• Room enough for 3-5 dead hookers in cargo area.
  

And the best reason; what I call the Prius Moneyshot...

That sweet, sweet, mileage.

The last vehicle I drove that got such awesome MPG was a moped. In the above you can see the MFD (that touch screen I talked about, currently displaying Energy Consumption), the distant speedometer readout and the blue blur that is my radar detector.

Now I've mentioned hacks for the car no less than three times so far, so they warrant a quick rundown at the least. Here's what I've done to the car so far.

Hacks

• Disabled beeping when in reverse.
  
• Disabled passenger seatbelt alert
• Disabled driver seatbelt alert
• Hacked firmware to allow me to dial phone numbers on the touch screen while in motion.
• Enabled voice control (allegedly only available with the Nav system I didn't buy.)
  
• Removed parts of the wheel that didn't do anything (in above photo the "webbing" between spokes).
  
• Increased tire pressure for better mileage.
  
• Hacked wireless sensors in tires to accept higher pressure than expected.
  
• Hacked same sensors to alert me when I lost 2 PSI instead of the standard 18.
  
• EV mode. Allows me to choose to run the car as a hybrid or all electric. Short for Electric Vehicle mode.
  

Now, dear reader, is when I need your help. I haven't been able to sufficiently name this car. The last one was easy; Tom Celica. It hung together so nicely. So I'm turning to you, my audience to suggest names. Here's what I've come up with so far.

Potential Prius Names:

• Priapus. If you're not snickering over that one click the link and find out why I am.
  
• Judas Prius. Self explanatory.
  
• HAL. Open the hatchback door HAL. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Scott."
  
• Icarus. There's really no reason for this one. I just like it and I, like Robert Plant, hold a fondness for the character. Besides, NASA used to give things awesome mythological names. Why can't I? Also, I think that was the name of the ship in Sunshine, which is the best SciFi movie I've seen since Serenity.
  
• Evey. Dual reference, Evey Hammond from V for Vendetta, and the EV mode.

And that's all I've got. Here's my offer, if any of you come up with a name for this car, I'll buy you a 20 dollar iTunes gift certificate. All I need for that is your email, and I'd be roughly 20 dollars worth of grateful. Otherwise just let me know what you think of my potentials.

Annnd... Go.

Don't be hatin'

I've been through conversations like the below so many times now I feel I have to respond in writing. I do so here:

Typical comment #1: "You know that thing is going to break down in six years. I heard you have to get a new one after that."
Typical comment #2: "You know, they don't really pay for themselves. It would take like 100 years for them to pay for themselves."
Typical comment #3: "So... you're an environmentalist now?"

Response #1: Piss off. There are Prii (I loves me words that end in "i" when plural) used as taxis with upwards of 250,000 miles on them, and that have been in service since the first Gen version, and that came out in 2001.

Response #2: Oh no! Really? I had expected for the gas savings to pay off the mortgage of my house, put my grandchildren through college, and give me regular blow jobs! What will I do?! Oh, that's right. Nobody expects a car to pay for itself. Speaking of things paying off, how's that barcodesque comb-over working out for you? You know who you are...

Response #3: Pfft. I just ate veal, and mopped my kitchen with a baby seal fur. This is about cash and techno-lust, not activism. However, a certain type of woman has a very favorable reaction to a Prius, and I do encourage that.

Requiescat In Pace, Tom Celica.

I'm ready to tell you. Let's get into the meat of the posts. The ones that really matter. The ones that really say something. For instance the ones where I end up in the custody of the police. How's that sound?

You may remember my run-ins with the law from posts like this one: Scott Outruns the Law. Well, this one is related. You see, my faithful car Tom Celica, was whisking me off to work once again. I was making good time. I had a lot of personal issues on my mind which I was expressing through the magic of song, when all of a sudden there it was.

It was my white whale. My One Ring. My bowl-of-Trix-snatched-away-from-me-by-cruel-children.

It was, dear readers... a car that had surrendered all semblance of aerodynamics. I had seen it before, and always desired a closer look. It lacked beauty. It no longer even paid lip-service to the concept. Some foul beast had besotted a red Geo Metro hatchback with all manner of antenna. Somehow they made it more hideous and hard for me to visually process. It were a car no longer, but instead a hideous technological abomination, cast back in time from some bygone alternate future. It looked... something like this:

An "artist's" conception of the monstrosity.

And in that fate-laden moment was entranced by the Cthulhu-esque abortion of a vehicle. Unfortunately, the other drivers were not so distracted. The line of vehicles ahead of me suddenly locked up their breaks. Sensing a slow down, I tore myself away from the blood-magicks of the car and looked ahead.

The slow-down was worse than I'd thought. In that split second distracted by the radio and that damn porcupine-mobile, the traffic had come to a complete stop (using brakes... assholes). And I was already less than a car's length away from the next one. There was an instant of bullet-time; I watched the front end disintegrate; I saw the airbags deploy; and I saw the car behind me manage to stop.

Getting out before I was in control of my actions again, I sprinted to the car I had just made an emergency 50mph stop into. I think I got there faster than she expected because appearing at her window I gave her a little jolt of surprise. She was OK. Her car was OK. When I turned back to mine, this is what I saw.

I know I'm in the middle of a four-lane highway, but damn, this looks blogable.


According to Toyota, the car runs best with those fluids inside the engine.


The airbags didn't actually do much besides total the car and make it smell horrible.

The cops showed up, talked to me, read my license plate in the cop phonetic alphabet, and threw me in the back of the squad car.

I figured, hell I'm not here very often. Seems like a good time to take a picture. Unfortunately, I look like hell. But cut me some slack, I just killed Tom Celica.

In the end, the cops were very accommodating. They let me get all my stuff out of the car, and then promptly dropped me off at a Denny's, and also gave me no ticket. What I had instead was a quest. A fire. I would find the man who drives that Red Abomination Machine. And when I had him before me he would have to answer for what he did to Tom Celica (not to mention his own ride).

I'm compiling a dossier on him. So far I know that he frequents 270 between 170 and Dorsett road on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Generally towards the 8:00 hour. My plan is to be late for work one day so that I can follow him, stop him somehow, and demand an explanation for his distraction contraption.

In the next post: my new (and improved) ride.

- Scott

P.S. Sorry this is an immense word-dump. But these memories are seared into my brain. And apparently read-only. So no editing this time around.

With a pang of sadness like a +3 STR dirk to the heart

Gary Gygax, creator of D&D, has passed away at the age of 69 (heh).

I know that I had little to do with his passing, some would say none, and that I didn't do this art (thanks for letting me rip you off Penny Arcade.) But I'm not finished with my arrest post and I'm sick of seeing the Diggnation one every time. Besides, a great nerd has passed away.

A moment of... [rolls d20]... contemplative nerdery.

A reasonable excuse for a filler post.

- Scott

In Diggnation

To answer your question: living the dream, that's where I've been. Thanks for your concern. I could have been dead people! A couple of times over that break it was actually the more likely outcome. And not one "hmm, why isn't Scott posting?" comment. Tish tish. Well, I've shed some distractions, and to fill that time guess what's back: blogging. (And a real website if I can ever get that goddamned thing off the ground.)

Since I had no requirement to blog, I found myself more busy than you'd think. Just living the jet-set geek lifestyle. For instance, last night: I decided to grace a filming of Diggnation here in St. Louis with my presence. (For the non-podcasters out there, that's an internet video show based on Digg.com. It's hosted by Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht, who were on TechTV back in the glory days.)

Anyway, I look on Kevin Rose the way a Christian might look on Jesus. Or how a Scientologist might look at Tom Cruise. Or how a fat kid looks at pancakes. Because he's lived the ideal life¹, he's quickly developed a shit-ton of loyal followers, and he's yummy², respectively. What? I said it.

I'll not bore you with the details of the show, which you can watch at your own leisure this Sunday (and see me in the front row if they use the crowd footage.) Instead, here's a photo-essay of my night.

Kevin and I play catch, just like in my idle daydreaming³.

By which I mean he threw a shirt, and not only did I catch it, but I also took a picture of him throwing it. The irony here is that I botched my own reaction shot of me with the shirt. Damn you zoom.

Alex: Can I please just take a piss in here?
Scott: Pfft. Seriously, it's not like there's any girls here.

Now, I haven't mentioned that I got to chat with the Diggnation guys. But I did. And, not to brag, but earned a "lol" or two. Perhaps even a few "epic lulz." I even got to use a "buried as lame" joke.

How did I find them? I anticipated where they'd be using the time-honored technique of asking where the only bathroom is before the show, on-which they always complain about how bad they have to piss. Some people "follow the money," I follow the urine. To each his own.

Scott: By the way, where the shit is my Ctrl+Alt+Chicken?
Alex: We're workin' on it dude. We gotta bring it back.
Scott: Alright then, in that case you can take a picture of me.


Kevin: Holy shit, that's the Scott Gresham.
Scott: Yeah, yeah, keep your voice down.

I've framed the last photo. It's being transfered to canvas as an oil painting by Doc Hammer in April. He's dubbed it "A Meeting of Titans." A little ostentatious, but I'm not one to argue with art.

Tomorrow: my ride in the police car, my new quest/obsession, and my mysterious new nemesis.
- Scott

¹ I mean, besides the Dark Tips and Digg, he banged Lala! And Morgan Webb.
² What? That's a completely healthy, platonic assessment. I love women! Show me boobs!
³ Come on, that's not creepy.

Happy New Year, kids.

I've much to say and very little time, so I'll be brief. Last night, after I had some friends over and watched a movie, I decided to make a little dinner for myself. Unfortunately I left the oven going and... well started quite a fire. On the list of 2008 resolutions is not burning down my place of residence.

The good news for me is that I grabbed my laptop, phone, and external hard drive out of the fire. And the good news for you is that I had the presence of mind to take a video of my apartment on fire with my phone.

Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2b1D5w82yU

Scott's Consumerism Wishlist: Purely to make your lives easier.

In one of my slowest idea-to-action ratios. Three Christmases ago I thought: "My god, wouldn't it be marvelous if I actually told people what I wanted for Christmas, instead of relying on their (often substandard) observational skills?" For example, I had to work for 20 minutes to convince my mom that the lead female villain in Live Free or Die Hard was Asian. So to stem the flow of poor detective work (or at least put a bandage on a bleeding artery), I offer this list of things you can get me this holiday season, ranked by how much you love me.

You Tolerate Me:

• Titanium Spork: because after all, I don't do dishes that often.
• The Annoy-o-tron: if you buy it for me, I promise not to use it on you.
  
• The Subtle (LED, Pocket) Knife: because it's dark in the underworld.
  
• In Case of DARPA Challenge Car Will Be Unmanned: Ha! Take that rapture-er...ians?
• The Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver: "A sonic... screwdriver?" you ask. To which I reply, "What, never had a long night? Never needed to put up a couple of cabinets?"
  

You Like Me:

• Vintage Style Bluetooth Phone Handset: I can't tell you how much I want to walk around in public talking on this thing.
  
• Stealth Switch: You may remember the Stealth Switch from this post. Yeah, well I still want one. And with this, you give the gift of not getting fired for blogging at work.
  
• The only doormat I've ever wanted: And if you get this joke, I'll forgive most other offenses.
  

You Really Like Me:
(too Sally Field?)

• This Watch: To replace one that was similar, that has vanished from the material sphere.
• A helmet cam: Tell me you aren't curious to see what would come of me owning this.
  

You Love Me:

• Dr Who Series 2 and Series 3: As another dashing hero on perpetual vacation, I often like to look in on others. Anyone who buys me this set is officially granted my favor.
  
• Absinthe: Here's the deal. It's legal to have, and legal to buy. But it's illegal to sell it in the US. So, ordering from overseas is fine, but if you bought it at the local Quick-E-Mart they'd be in trouble. I promise to share with anyone who buys it for me. What a nice guy I am!
• This Hard Drive: I'm building a new computer and this is a big part of it. Half a Terabyte on one platter? Insane. And so cheap! Also, if you're an elderly, religious relative and you want to buy this for me: know that you're doing the Lord's work. Because if you got it for me I'd feel weird about filling it with porn. Win/win.
  
• Another of the Same Hard Drive: Come on, I'm so close. With two I'd have a full terabyte. Besides, I'll need a different one to put the porn on.

So there you have it. A holiday gift giving guide for the dashing, geeky, rogue in your life (me). You're welcome. After all, I'm doing this all for you. (And also so I don't end up getting any clothes this year.)

Feel free to mention which things are already bought and to remark on how much you all love me in the comments.

P.S. I'm also quite partial to this tie.

Ok, I've had it.

Excuse the Thanksgiving break following my spat of posting, which itself followed a month of binge drinking. That said, I have a bone to pick. And here it is:

Christians Boycott "The Golden Compass."

Are you people serious? I thought I had fought this ignorance in the form of correcting a chain email at my office about the story, and now I find it on my internet sites. Will this crap never end? So, for the last time, I'm going to explain to you Godless... err Godfull natives why you should sit your indignant asses back down and consider boycotting something more logical. Like that rock 'n roll music, for instance; I heard it makes young people want to fornicate!

Without further insults*...

Point by Point Reasons the Boycott is Ridiculous.

1. Most of you were called to action via an email forward.
   
   
   If I knew you people reacted so strongly to email messages I would have told you about my imprisoned Nigerian uncle. You see, he has great riches, but he needs a small fee to retrieve them. I was told that you are a trustworthy person and you could help. Please just send $5,000 Canadian, and when we get the riches we wil pay U back with many many more monies!!!1!
   

   
   
   He really need s UR help!! Send money orders to: 1600 N. Liberty, Scamston, MO. Bless you, my brother.
   
   
   
2. You can watch The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and not want to be Catholic.
   
   Watching The Golden Compass won't make you atheist. And if it does, your faith in God didn't mean anything anyway, and that you'll be just as happy as an atheist. Probably even happier since you won't be hemmed in by all those ridiculous "morals" forced upon you.
   
   And if you're worried that it will only tempt you into thinking blasphemous thoughts... well you've probably already damned yourself. You might as well see the season's best fantasy blockbuster. (You might also take up the phrase "well, I'll be damned!")
   
   
   
   Rejected Special Rebranded Edition DVD set.
   
   
   
3. All the best things are banned and boycotted against by these people.
   
   Seriously. Examine their stances on birth control, sex, legalization of pot, and video games. It's getting to the point where their disapproval is the equivalent of a ringing endorsement. I've stopped reading the entertainment pages of my paper. I just get on the internet, find out what the kooks are frothing at the mouth about and have a go at it.
   
   This method works. It's suggested fun new things to me at about 90% effectiveness. That's a better batting average than Amazon and Netflix combined.
   
   
4. Boycotting actually makes people more aware of the movie.
   
   Ok, reversing my tack from the earlier point: let's say you're silly enough to believe this movie will have adverse affects on people, and that it's insulting to the invisible man who lives in the sky. You only provide more incentive for your rebelling children to see the film by demonizing it.
   
   Also, it implies that you're of the school of thought that any dissenting idea should be quashed. This is usually the result of fear that your own ideas about life wouldn't hold up in the presence of others. If this is the case, please GO BACK AND RE-READ POINT 2!
   
   
5. Atheists didn't boycott The Passion of the Christ.
   
   Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Ringing a bell? Somewhere in some book you might have read? What was it... oh yes it was the Bible. Really, look it up. It's in there. Under "D"; for what you should "do".

So that's why you should all just calm down. After all, Atheists can't kill God! We all know that only the Jews can do that! And only at Easter.

Peace to all.

- Scott

P.S. Feel free to email this rebuttal to anyone who sends you those bullshit forwards.

*I'm afraid there was just no way I could keep this promise.

The Spaz and the Spurious

First thing is first: explaining why I can't buy beer anymore.

Driving home from work two Fridays ago I found myself with wide open(ish) roads ahead of me. I had ditched work two hours early and gone to watch a matinée. And I looked this good. Of course I was in a good place.

As it turned out, I was also passing through several places at quite a clip. I didn't care though, I'd been increasing my speed for several months in what I call the "Post-Ticket Cycle of Shame(lessness)." I made great time, but back in town someone was riding my ass. So, I slowed down another 10 miles per hour. In a 35 zone.

"Take that, dick!" I said aloud.

A few moments later said dick flipped on the cherries. It was a cop. And worse, a state cop. And worse, a woman. I find the fem-pigs are always the most angry at you for breaking whatever law you might have ignored. It's like they always followed all the rules in school while watching everyone else having a good time ditching, skipping, or ne'er do welling... and now it's pay back time.

Her attempt at pay back was the following:

Fem-Pig: *waddle waddle waddle* "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

Dashing Rogue (me): I thoughtfully pause, then: "Honestly, no."

FP: *exasperated, appalled, abbreviated sigh* "You were driving like a maniac. You passed three cars at once back there!"

Internally I smiled as I remembered doing it and realized why she must have pulled me over, and replied:

DR: "I don't recall doing that anywhere, how fast was I going?"

FP: *extreme embarrassment, and a look of dejection* "I... well, I don't know. I never got close enough to clock you. But I saw you at route 3 and you... blah blah blah"

She said more but I already wasn't listening. She couldn't catch me from Rt. 3 to where I was in Jerseyville?! That's eight miles. I know I was hauling ass, and my car has great ability to ignore curves, but holy shit. I outran a cop for eight miles. I was smiling externally at this point and that's where she got even more flustered.

FP: *sweating and adjusting her considerable girth* "Look, I know you were speeding. I know you were. You passed a car and then a minute later you were a mile and a half ahead of it. That's, you could have killed someone. That's absolutely unacceptable."

Now, there's no way I could have been a mile and a half ahead of a car that was already going 60 miles per hour without using NOS. But her estimate isn't that far off. It was great. She knew I broke the law and she couldn't do anything about it. I felt like I was in the mafia.

DR: *smiling wickedly, with a flourish* "If that's true, I'm sorry. I agree. Completely not acceptable. So what needs to be done, Officer?"

FP: *snippy now, and more flummoxed* "Well I think you know I can't give you a speeding ticket. I didn't clock you speeding. You're getting a following too closely citation. You can pick your license up at the court house in five working days."

And off she went. I still can't buy beer because I look so young, and my license is being held ransom until I pay my debt to society. But I don't need it, I'm still intoxicated by my accomplishment. If I had just taken the turn before town she never would have found me.

But I've learned my lesson: the next time I find myself rocking out as I play leap-frog down 109, make damn sure to keep the radar detector running... and maybe invest in a police scanner.

So, has anyone else got away with something this good during my month off?


P.S. This whole adventure reminds me... ask me about the time I went to jail. That's a post in and of itself.

Patience, Grasshopper(s).

I'm back, collective bitches. Celebrate! I just got back from the longest two weeks of my working life, the culmination of all that work I started in October. I'll explain more, but I'm actually back to my usual, slacker work schedule and actually do need to pretend to work. Often it's just as hard as doing actual work.

...Jesus, I shit you not, as soon as I typed that our manager informed us that a co-worker has had a heart attack and that one of his projects is in my lap now. So that's... just awesome. Fantastic.

In any case, my blog sabbatical worked. I'm refreshed, and I don't want to burn down this elaborate series of tubes called the internet, every time I realize I need to post. I've also got hilarious stories about the following:

• Incompetent Hospital Workers.
  
• Asshole Doctors.
  
• A very flustered State Trooper.
  
• The Detective who is sure I'm lying, but not able to prove it.
  
• Reckless driving.
  
• Made-up words.
  
• Sandwich Cults.
  
• Robots.
  
• Or get your diploma.

There'll be a post when I get home from work tonight. With photos, swearing, and the element that makes all my posts so special: love.

- Scott

Sabbatical.

The best TV comes with the cost of mid-season breaks and an off season. (Reality shows, however, have the ability to churn out shit at the same rate, forever.) The best movies come in three part trilogies. (Actually so do some of the worst...) And the best bloggers have to take a break now and then.

I can't produce any posts until November. I'm allowing a beat for that statement to sink in.

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Be strong. You'll make it. And when I return, let's just say there'll be a Revolution... Yes... quite a Revolution. OK, enough foreshadowing. In the meantime, and in no particular order, let's look back at the Best of Bufford... the Wonder Blog.

• Offending the System post. Nostalgia for the kind of blatant assholery you can get away with in college, but not the workforce.
  Bonus: a comment from future-girlfriend Meg.
  
  
• Revenge of the Slytherin post. A classic featuring making fun of nerds by dressing nerdier than them.
  Bonus: You need a bonus for that? Read the GD post!
  
  
• Oh, the Hairmanity! post. An explanation of why I only get my hair cut once every three months in the same place.
  Bonus: Tim saying "hey-oh," I think there'll eventually be a drinking game to that extent.
  
  
• Tacky Triad post. My railing against mid-west truckstop couture.
  Bonus: Farmed-out photoshoppery. I outsourced that one to Rob.
  
  
• It's a twista! post. My favorite method of getting out of a lease early.
  Bonus: Lots of photos, including one of my saving an orphan.

Enjoy. I'll see you kids in November.

The Eighth Deadly Sin

Unfortunately, the 8th Deadly Sin has no simple one-word definition. But, in as few words as possible, it could be defined this way: the despising of johnny-come-latelies.

Everybody does it. Did you read that book, or like that TV show, or see the original version of that movie before everybody went ape-shit over it? If the answer is yes, then you know what I'm talking about. If the answer is no, then how does it feel to be a follower? I'm guessing: really desperate.

I'll tell you what it's like: basically you want to shout at the masses, sitting there dumbly blathering to one another about this thing that you liked first. "I liked Andrew Bird two years ago when you were listening to Dave "Gateway Drug to Adult Contemporary" Matthews! Piss off! Go back to your Top 40, assholes!*"

And that brings me to the crux. I saw Andrew Bird this weekend in Champaign and he was amazing. But I was in a bit of a foul mood as a result of waking up at 4:30 AM that morning, and being surrounded by annoying sorority skanks who are here because WPGU played his new, radio-friendly album. Still, if you ever get to see an Andrew Bird concert, do it. The man is a mix of the body type of Jack Skeleton and the insanity and passion of a savant like Willy Wonka. He also plays every instrument on his albums, and writes some of the most beautiful music, overlaid with clever lyrics.

Anyway, my question is this: as much as we want to connect with people, what have you had ruined solely by other people liking it?

- Scott

* You can also read this as "Top 40 Assholes." It's equally valid.

Crush of the Week: Hall of Fame Edition

This week's¹ Crush of the Week: Jenna Fischer.

Why she's earned it: Jenna's has had a bit of a rough year. The first major snafu that happened was, she fell down a marble staircase and broke her back. And let's face it; that sucks. That sucks a lot. Fortunately she didn't lose any, you know, walking ability. But still. She broke her fucking back. She deserves her due props just for looking great despite spinal injury.

The next major shit-storm to hit Port Jenna was that she and her husband separated. And although you might think that would make me happy, it actually doesn't. Because she's a sweet, charming girl and the separation² has to be as painful as breaking her back. If not more so.

Bonus Materials: Jenna is a special kind of girl. She's beautiful in a way that vacillates between "girl-next-door-wholesome-hot" and "holy-shit-does-she-clean-up-well-no-holds-barred-gorgeous." It's hard to switch hit both of those. Meg Ryan has been trying to break into the latter category for years. And the result was In the Cut. Clearly it's a dangerous void to attempt crossing.

But what makes Jenna truly special is her ability to play tongue-in-cheek serious to the limits of the form. The moment I heard her say, dry as a Bounce Sheet, "it's an epidemic," I knew she was Crush of the Week material³.

And so, I deluge you with a shower of Jenna.

First enjoy her photo to the right. Possibly enjoy it for several months, or until I feel like changing it.

Second, give her appearance on Loveline a listen. It makes for a great distraction while you're driving. And even better; it's conclusive proof that she can actually have a conversation. Take that, legion of vapid, boring actresses. Score another for Jenna.

Finally, there is the below. I usually don't go for this kind of video. It's too emotional, too sad, and I generally don't like to focus on the breakup part of a relationship⁴. But she's in it, she's great, and it's grown on me. Just one more example of my seeing what might be dodgy (*ahem* Blades of Glory *ahem*) on the sole basis of her involvement.



So Jenna, I know you've had a rough year. But you know how I feel, and you're the Crush of the Week. Things are looking up.

The ball's in your court now.

- Scott

¹ And who am I kidding, probably this year's Crush of the Week as well, at the rate I remember to update this damn segment.
² I can't fully appreciate the sheer metric-crap-ton of hurt that must bring, but I can tell you that it hurts me to write about it. Literally. I hurt my hand earlier today and hitting CTRL+TAB to see the correct spelling of the word "separation" each time is killing me. I'm self-medicating with beer and Tylenol.
³ Despite not creating the segment for another two years.
⁴ Exception: Brooks & Dunn - Neon Moon. There is no funnier song to belt out when you're pathetically drunk.

Memory Dump

In the style of Creed Bratton, I'm going to post a memory dump of all the things I referenced today, and thought "I should really flesh that out into a blog post." But I'm tired, so you get random Hedburg-esque nuggets of potential post material. Enjoy.

Why is it that women's fashion seems to revolve around taking what old people wore 15 years ago and slutting it up? Cases in point:

big damn sunglasses = old people "over glasses sunglasses"

the "cowl necked top" = "whatever the fuck Rue McClanahan is wearing on the left of this photo"
gauchos = old woman culottes

big assed, gaudy hoop earrings = ...big assed, gaudyhoop earrings (this one is kind of obvious)

Why is it that every time they show a violent video game on the news it's being played at 2 frames per second? If you want to show us what's causing kids to shoot each other, have the decency to play it on a NEW computer. Shell out for something to replace your Amiga. Because it looks like a very dull slideshow on that piece of shit, newsroom PC.

Reader's Digest should come with spray-able samples of air fresheners the way fashion magazines come with perfume... because no one ever reads that rag except on the crapper anyway. Might as well give a nod to your audience: people taking dump."

If I start a band we'll play only ska covers of Mexican folk music. Our name will be El Chupa-SKA-bra.

You used to always see movies where at some point the ultimate evil would show up and manically shout "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!" Haven't heard this in a long time. Have we all learned our lesson? Time will tell. Also, sleepers will, especially if they wake up.

- Scott

The Triumphant Return

Oh, I've been meaning to mention: Josh R. is back in action.

You should all give the kid a read. His posts have inspired some of my better other-blog-commenting. For instance my explanation of just what exactly it was that Mr. Roboto was being thanked for.

And it comes with the Mis Blogos Favoritos seal of approval... so you know it's good.

Check him out. I command it!