At least SOMEBODY can launch a rocket

I'm already an international sensation, that's not news. More interesting however, is the fact that NASA is now in the business of launching probes with my name on them into the outer reaches of our galaxy. That's right kids, the rocket launch that's supposed (EDIT: It did in fact, happen but this post was written before the launch and I didn't send it up because I liked the responses to my Synthesia post so much) to happen today, will bear a disc with my full name on it. Of course this means that aliens, equipped with CD-ROMS, will be able to get my name and track me down through Google. But this does not concern me too much. There's a few thing I want to ask them like, "Guys, what's with the anal probes? Can't you just scan us or something? I mean, you can travel light years, semi-successfully veil yourselves in secrecy, but you can't build an MRI? What the hell E.T.?"

The best/most futuristic part however is that it's not powered by normal rocket fuel. Or gas. Regular or unleaded. It needs something with a little more kick... plutonium. That's right, I'm telling you that this sucker's nuclear*. It'll pass the moon 9 hours after launch. That's pretty blindingly fast. Japan also recently launched a probe to Pluto. From what I've learned from the NASA channel we've already passed it too. Apparently it's flying at about half the speed of anything else and has been inexplicably flying with its turn signal on for the last 45,000 miles, almost as inexplicable as having a turn signal . Oh those crazy stereotypes.

Not that we're doing much better. The Ugly American tourist cliche now extends to the stars in the form of the ridiculous names that got put on the disc along with mine. Unfortunately no amount of money, asking nicely, or promising to be NASA's friend would get them to just paint my name on the side of the probe along with "Don't f*ck with Earth!" So, they took other names as well. A few thousand actually. Among the gems are Hugh Jass, Mike Grotch, and Heywood Jablome. Classy Earth, really classy.

**(Floating asterisks)

- Scott

* I'm hoping Nathan Harry caught the blatant Back to the Future reference here.
** Thanks for reminding me Josh.