As you may or may not know, I'm not really one to get all 'crushy' over a person. In fact most of the girls I'm interested in don't even exist (ie. Chloe Sullivan, Rory Gilmore, to a lesser extent Pam from The Office). I like to think I'm as unemotional as possible, except the Internationally Certified 'Man' emotions of Happy, Angry and Neutral. But over this one, I'm heartbroken. You see, one of my creepier attractions was (and I stress was) to Hilary Duff. I looked at her the way Mongols look at China, nice to look at but out of reach. She had that girl next door thing going on for her. But now...now she's gone Hollywood. I can barely bear to describe it. I think it's best if you have a look for yourself.
Hmm, I didn't know they were making a new Mr. Ed
Here's a quick comparison of the old teeth, vs the new.
Disgusting. It doesn't even look like her. Or a person. I'm in serious danger of not having any borderline creepy celebrity attractions at all!Look at those things, she went out and got vaneer's. Damn you The Swan! You go to hell, you go to hell and you die. And look how skinny she's gotten. I'm officially no longer attracted to Hilary Duff at all. Ah, it feels good to say it. She now looks like some kind of James Bond villain, Choppers they would call her. She'd bite through chains and things and act threatening, but at the end Bond would trick her into biting down on a blasting cap and blowing her teeth off. Then he'd make a joke about that being quite a 'blow' job.
In light of all this, I'm making a Public Service Announcement. TO ALL FEMALE CELEBRITIES: Your boobs are fine, your teeth are O.K., your lips are not too small, your nose is great (well, except for you Lil Kim, what the hell is that?), and if you're old it's less weird to look at a saggy face than a face that reminds me of Native American drums. So STOP GETTING ALL THIS DAMN DISFIGURING PLASTIC SURGERY.
That is all.
- Scott
In light of all this, I'm making a Public Service Announcement. TO ALL FEMALE CELEBRITIES: Your boobs are fine, your teeth are O.K., your lips are not too small, your nose is great (well, except for you Lil Kim, what the hell is that?), and if you're old it's less weird to look at a saggy face than a face that reminds me of Native American drums. So STOP GETTING ALL THIS DAMN DISFIGURING PLASTIC SURGERY.
That is all.
- Scott
Yes, truly tragic, Scott. It's as if someone painted over the Mona Lisa or resculpted Michaelangelo's David or threw some more elephant poop at that picture of the Virgin Mary with elephant poop on it. Sometimes people just need to know that you don't mess with a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe problem, Scott, is that the Mongolians eventually DID make sweet sweet love to China. It's a false analogy!
ReplyDeleteI miss Lizzie McGuire.
ReplyDeleteDamn it Jake! Always attacking my analogies. What you have to consider is that my analogies are either mind boggling brilliant, or not. And because I just write whatever comes to me at the time, I rarely check to see which I've written. Speaking of writing, I now have to compose a 10 minute play for my Theater Arts class. Due Monday, so at least I didn't procrastinate. Topic suggestions welcome
ReplyDelete- Scott
scott,
ReplyDeletesorry to have so disapointed you with basically making 1 post out of 2. i just read you site cause i have been working all week long. im truely sorry when im posting on your site i just dont know what to say cause your just so awe-inspiring.
Laura
It took me a minute to figure out. But now I know who you are. And I have a piece of advice for you: Don't take me seriously. Really. I am not a serious guy. Read each post as though I am being completely silly, or at best tounge-in-cheek. And that applies to comments too. Even this one. I'll leave you to think about that.
ReplyDelete- Scott
P.S. You know, I am awe inspiring. They nearly dropped me on Iraq as part of their Shock and Awe campaign, and though it would have been unfathomably effective, they couldn't justify sacrificing a national treasure.
Ok scott ill have to remember that next time i read a post. i will remember that yourjust being you.i dont know if you noticed when you figured out who i was but this is jenna foiles little sister...
ReplyDeletelaura
Scott, you are rediculous. Yes, I am stalking you. I borrowed Haley's night vision goggles.
ReplyDeleteSo it's confirmed. Sweet, the club meets on Monday's at the International Order of Hot Chicks that Dig Scott. They like to carpool so see if you can get into their rotation. Also since it's your first week you don't have to bring anything, but they usually send me baked goods after each meeting. Anyway, welcome!
ReplyDelete- Scott