Brace yourself, I have news. The Pope is dead. I don't know if you've heard about it. It's been the Rosa Parks of news stories (buried in the back), but if you sifted through all the pieces out there you might have eventually found out about this relatively obscure story. (For the Amish: I'm being sarcastic, it's friggin everywhere). Really, turn on CNN right now. I guarentee they'll cut to some wide eyed field reporter who will give us the update "The crowd here is incredible. And...wait I'm getting something here. Yes, yes it is confirmed. The Pope is still dead. We'll continue to have updates every half hour until some senator has an affair and we have a new story to drive into the ground."
But all the buzz over the passing of the Pope has generated some good. The market for Pope-collectibles is going through the roof. Pope-on-a-rope, the bath soap is a top seller, because really, cleanliness is next to Godliness. Another good seller is Pope-pourri, the Papal scented home fragerance. While these products are legit, there are a few outlandish pieces like Pope Free Orange Juice. Come on, you're not fooling anyone shamless marketer.
Guaranteed to cleanse even the grubbiest of souls!
Even as people sell products like Pope-dope, for the devout Catholic Stoner, there is debate over who will be the next head of the Catholic Church. And where there's competition there's betting. Kind of the way where's there's smoke there's fire, or where there's Britney Spears there's trailer trash. That last one is pretty much locked in by her being there. A betting war is being waged over which of the four front runners will be named the new Pope, and honestly, I don't like any of them. What the Catholic Church really needs is a bit of a make over. This is what Tim and I came up with in a chat we had: the new Pope should be young, black, and urban.
Think about it, how awesome would it be to see the Pope-mobile pimped out with some 20's? Wicked awesome. And think for a second about how the pope dresses. It's already half blinged out. We just need the right guy to finish the job. I can see the episode of "Pimp My Ride" now. X shows up at the Vatican and the Pope flips out. "X to the Z? No way!" "That's right Pope, we're here to Pimp Yo' Ride" "Great, now give me 3 Hail Mary's for saying 'pimp' at the Vatican".
Then they'd get it to the shop and the guys would act like the sight of it offended them, but would proceed to get to the work of pimping it out. And they'd cut to the interior guy who would pretend to think about what he was going to do for like 3 seconds before he tells the shop manager the same thing he's done on EVERY CAR THAT'S EVER BEEN ON THE F&CKING SHOW: "Hmm, on this car I think we'll go with some Vinyl and Tweed. That'd look real nice." And despite that the car would have 15 flat screens, hydraulics, and a laser show inside the bubble. Yeah, I think I like this new Pope thing.
Question for the day: How would you like to see the Pope-hood pimped out?
Word of the day: (Why the hell not?) Pope.
Flavor of the week: Orange Sorbet.
- Scott
P.S. I seriously want to hear your Papal suggestions.
Holy Crap! Conan just made the same joke this post is about. I beat him to it. Yes! Now where's my talk show?
ReplyDeleteI believe you mean OUR talk show, Scotty. I believe our conversation inspired this post. Actually, you and I could make a pretty sweet writing team. You could be your normal crazy offensive self and I could provide things like structure and form. Think about it, man...
ReplyDeleteoh God help us.
ReplyDeleteHahaha... now this is funny shit!
ReplyDeleteYou thinking of applying for the "job" of the new pope? I hear they are taking interviews right now.
Pimping out the Pope works! He's already got the gangsta' hat. All you need to do is flatten it out a little bit and add a feather and if you want to go all out, you could clip on a fake canary diamond right on the brim.
ReplyDeleteNext, I recommend hookin' him up with some wicked blinged shades, like Elton John via 1976.
Oops, and now I gotta get back to work. Damn U AWR!!!
~Hood Rat
Timmy, I believe we would make the best comedy writing team (and I don't think I'm exaggerating here) of all time. You have just the right amount of structure for me to play off of, and I have just enough wild, random, offensive comedy to keep the whole thing edgy. We'd be like peanut butter and jelly without all the restrictive bread to hold us back. We'd be SPACE PB&J.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, someone to bottle my lightning would be a good thing. Or if not bottle, at least direct. Because honestly, sometimes I have no idea which way to point this thing. (I meant my proverbial lightning you perverts; the other thing I know damn well where to point. And it's at you if you were going to make that joke. That's right, piss on you!)
So sure, feel free to be my Andy Richter. And feel free to Control The Universe. And feel free to be cancelled before your time. I'm still angry about that one. Anyway, time for my weekly newspaper meeting. I'm off to pretend people respect the office of editor.
- Scott
I'm sorry Ab's of Steel, you know I... tolerate you. Kidding kidding, how about this: I'll change it. I like the change I just thought of better anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'll be YOUR Andy Richter?! I agree, his Controlling of the Universe was brilliant, which of course meant that it was prematurely canceled, but Timmy Tapeworm is no one's sidekick! This partnership is over!
ReplyDelete