Purpose-ly

I just posted most of this on Nessa's blog as a comment, but really? It's post worthy. Especially on a boring day like today, I mean I think the Gilmore Girls is a rerun, so there's more or less nothing to look forward to. Without further ado, the rehashing: 

Orthodontists are pricks. Just thought I'd get that out there. As far as medical practitioners that you're likely to encounter, these people are bar-none the most annoying on Earth. However, they also have little to no power over you. There is nothing finer in life than having a frivilous, inconsequential enemy. I'm recruiting Arch-Nemeses at the moment, but if I could get another orthodontist I'd do it in the space of time it takes a Kentucky Moonshiner to rationalize sleeping with his "purty kusinz."

I fondly remember using the following tactics to make the bloated, redfaced orthodontist with his fat, clumsy fingers seem even more bloated, redfaced and clumsy.

• Eating Skittles. A handful at a time. This will cause your braces to come unglued. I took off the entirety of the top braces this way once, and walked in for my monthly appointment with them in my hand, smiling.
  
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• When it comes time to wear rubberbands, don't.
  
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• Or, if you'd actually like to get some tooth movement going on, wear eight of them at once two days before the appointment. It does the same thing in almost no time at all. Laugh as he tells your brother (who has been wearing his) that he should commit himself to wearing them like his brother has.
  
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• Sneeze while he's working on you. (It was an accident, but damn... it was fantastic.)
  
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• Accidentally break the mold of your teeth they took, later realizing that it was actually someone else's.
  

Ah, those were the days. While I was writing this, I realized something. That having that horrible, fat bastard as an enemy did wonderful things for me. It gave me purpose. Secretly, every prisoner who fights with other convicts is really only looking for his prison-enemy (we're assuming he's already found his bitch). Even God needs Satan (perhaps more than he needs us) because really, would it all be any fun if there was no back-and-forth? I think not. 

So today I set out to find my arch-enemy, hopefully one who is both frivilous and inconsequential, with whom I hope to bicker, use as the default amusement when I'm bored, and advance the floundering plot of this blog.

In the words of a master:

Dr. Byron Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move!
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Byron Orpheus: ...just seems so romantic.

- Scott

The Wonder Blog: Character's (flaws) Welcome

Most of the time I don't like a person for their better qualities. Good traits just seem so generic, you know? What really attracts me to a person are their vices. Their character flaws (to put it into the terms I'm most comfortable with). And thinking about this, I realized that I'm living too blameless a life. That if I really want to acheive the type of infamy I deserve, I need to step up the character flaws a notch. And to that end, I've decided to tell you all about my racism.

I'll admit it here, for all the world to read that I am a racist... against Eskimos. I know, most of you are shocked. A few of my inner circle are silently rejoicing that they don't have to carry the burden of the secret alone anymore. Why Eskimos? I'll tell you why: because racism, when it hurts people, is a horrible, vile thing. But if there's one thing I've learned from every award winning drama ever, it's that racism is a fascinating character flaw. And since I'll never run into a filthy, grubby, parka-sewing Eskimo, it's not likely that any actual harm will come from it.

It's not often I'll open up this much, and usually it requires my being drunk. But as those closest to me will attest, when I get some sauce in me every other sentence is a slur against those "godsdamned seal-stinking snow-jobs!" In a video released to E!'s "Most Outrageous Blogger Rants," which I bought back for a princely sum, I was seen on an actual soapbox, blitzed out of my mind, shouting at passers-by about the evils of the "Fish Spearing Igloo-Trash!" The transcript is as follows:

The eskimo is the natural emen-emin-*shakes head* enemy of the rest of the world. They're up there every day plotting. Those "eskimo kisses" everyone thinks are so cute are how they pass tiny micro-dots full of information about their plans for nuclear winter! THINK ABOUT IT! They've got the least to lose! Those fish spearing igloo-trash bastards are trying to bring us down to their level! So they can rename places Inunjuak, and Nukchukbuckfluck and all sorts of snow-job bullshit!

They're trying to make us fat and complacent with their insidious pies! They don't even wait for their elderly to die, they just push them out to sea on some ice! Lazy seal clubbing ice-bums! They...

And so on in that fashion. Young children might have wanted to skip that section. I'm not proud of it, but it makes me a more interesting character, and we all need a little spice in our lives, no? Please, feel free to pick an uber-small demographic to ignorantly rant about in the comments. (I reccomend the gajin.)

- Scott

Do they? Do they really?

On my way to work Monday I had to get out of my car and trudge through the snow. This was not because our lot wasn't shoveled. It was because I had seen a sign so ridiculous I needed to get photographic evidence of it.

Your tax dollars at work.

Gators make good choices! Eagles are awesome! I'm apparently working on the rough draft of a children's novel here. If I were, in that novel I might just have to ask, what kinds of good choices have gators historically made?

The best way to find out is by cutting one open. Inside you'll find a license plate, most of a tire, and the missing eight-year-old boy who got him cut open in the first place. We'll collectively call that Good Choice #1.

And Good Choice #2 must be that despite millions of years of existence, they're easily subdued by rednecks and Australians (rest in peace) who cover their eyes and stroke their bellies.

Good Choice #3 is obviously the stance he's striking in the sign. Nothing says "fierce mascot we can all get behind" better than a snotty, foppish gator posing akimbo like he's in a 40's pin-up magazine. Is that an elementary school student in your belly or are you just happy to see me, big boy?

But to be fair they could mean people named Gator in which case (I hope) they're referencing Burt Reynolds in White Lighting and the eponymous Gator. And except for the fact that both movies cement his legend as the least covert moonshiner of all time, and then he gets blackmailed because of it, then does it again... you know what, he's not really a good example either.

Screw this, gators make horrible decisions. Your children are going to grow up to either marry their sisters, or eat license plates and toddlers. In certain necks of the woods, both. I'd get them into a private school as soon as possible.

-Scott

Check out my webcam at Presidential Sluts dot Com

I don't know about you, but nothing makes me feel more romantic than that special day in February; President's Day. Maybe it's the marketing blitz surrounding the holiday, or maybe it's just the spirit of the holiday itself, but something makes me want to sing sappy love songs in foreign languages.

...Ok, ok this was supposed to be a "cheer everyone up on a miserable holiday like Valentine's Day" post, but I forgot to put it up. In my defense, I don't pay much attention to the day, and let's be honest eagles are just too awesome to ignore.

So in the interest of preventing me from seeming too unhumanly cool for too long, here's a President's (Valentine's) Day tribute I shot a few years ago. Remember people, I'm just this guy, you know?

Incidentally, this soundtrack is available in the lobby.

Top Five / Bottom Five: Righteous Anger Edition

In the interest of fairness, when isn't the bottom five filled with righteous anger? I mean, it's pretty much the entire reason for that section's existence... but I digress. Let's end the paragraph that everyone skips anyway, and get right down to it.

Top Five:

1.) Somebody finally tells Carlos Mencia what we're all thinking. We should send him back where he came from... Germany. Thank God for you Joe Rogan. Thank God for you. Actually, upon reading Rogan's blog, I have an exponentially higher appreciation for the man. Next could you do Dane Cook*? Please?

2.) See Dad? World of Warcraft is good for me. Stop with the interventions. Seriously. The catering wasn't all that good at the last one and it was too far away from the router to have a decent connection. I was lagging all through my questing**.

3.) What happens when an adult yells "PILLOW FIGHT!" This is the kind of thing we need to see more for adults. How about a ballpit at work? Don't we still deserve someplace to go and play, and maybe take a piss when no one's looking? Honestly.

4.) Watch #2 on this list. I promise you it's worth it. Creepiest. Man. Ever.

5.) While as an American-Pig-Dog I'm sure he hates me, most of what he said here is true. As testing the limits of free speech goes, applauding after an Al Qeada tirade is pretty good.

Bottom Five:

1.) My impending "dissapearance" as a result of #5 above. I hope they let me blog from Gitmo.

2.) The Fox News answer to the Daily Show (and here I thought Fox News WAS a joke). The least funny thing I've ever seen. Less funny than Saturday Night Live... and that's saying something. It's so unfunny that if you watch this then Carlos Mencia you might actually laugh at "his" jokes. (Also, are they actually using canned laughter?)

3.) RFID Powder? Thanks Hitachi, because I just wasn't acheiving my paranoia potential. We're getting pretty X-Files here people.

4.) These Three School Districts. You find the biggest idiots working in public schools, particularly administration. I mean, I'm surprised they even can teach evolution as their very existence tends to disprove the theory. Which is not to say there aren't exceptions... but damn.

5.) Lego Foodstuffs. I don't care about the nutrition, or even the fact that the list of ingredients reads like a chemical bomb, I'm just dreading the annoying bitchy parent we're going to have to see on the news explaining that her child died because he ate a real Lego thinking they were ALL food. It's evolution people. Besides, we could stand to thin out the herd.

- Scott

* I used to like Dane Cook, then he started to grate on me. Maybe it was the "I love Dane Cook!1!! OMFG he is like sooooo FUNNY!" / "I have the best fans ever, oh my god, my fans are so great!!!one!" circle jerk I got sick of, or maybe it's that he's just the kind of comic that the I get sick of having shoved in my face by idiots who just now heard of him, but however it happened, I hate the dude.

** Wait, was this the wedding reception or the intervention? Damn. Either way, I made a few levels at each, so that's something.

Eagles are awesome

A few weeks ago (on my second day of work) I was passing through the Alton riverfront when I noticed a camera crew interviewing a man who looked like he was extremely uncomfortable. I made a note of it and went about my day. Fast forward to this week: my curiosity about that filming has been satisfied. More than satisfied, it's been downright ecstatic-ed.

I think I just have to show you for you to understand, but you should keep in mind that this isn't done for comedy purposes. It's a serious news cast like any local affiliate. They just happened to have technical difficulties with the audio and had to cover for it. The way they did elevates it to brillance level. Observe:



Eagles are awesome, no doubt about it.

...USA

- Scott

Why, we only live to serve...

So, the kinds of things I usually see at work are limited to the below:

Yes, that is Lisa Simpson you see in the fifth monitor. Anyway, that's what I generally see. But on Friday, I needed some delicious snacks to get me through the day. Heading upstairs to the floor with the employee lounge I was shocked to stumble upon Tech Industries' vast, racist conspiracy.

Sure, it looks alright on the surface. A black woman holding a phone. The rest of the poster just says 24/7, At Your Call: Ethics and Compliance Hotline. But look closer and see the truth!

The phone is attached to her; it literally plugs into her liver. We can only speculate that the sign implies you should just go to the nearest black woman with a phone surgically implanted to report something. Not only that, but that they couldn't even trust her with a cordless. Having failed only one graphics and design class, I can tell you that the underlying message here is: "Black people are servants, some of which come with handy tools built in."

It's an outrage, what with this being February and all. I did the only sensible thing... I found the nearest black woman and used her to call the line and complain. Sorted that out straight away. No need to thank me. All in a day's work.

- Scott

Houston, we have a fatal attraction.

For the uninitiated, here's a breif run down of the story... Lisa Nowak, an astronaut, fell in love with another astronaut, William Oefelein (who despite his appearence and occupation, is not nicknamed "Buzz"). Unfortunately, Willy was already with an Air Force chick named Colleen Shipman. True to her bunny boiler nature, Nowak had no choice but to drive to Florida from Texas and snuff her.

If you'd like a fuller account. Check here.

*sigh* NASA... For all their psychological screening, mission simulations, and contingency senarios, there was never any training on how to deal with the most dangerous mission of all: love. Specifically the love of a psychotic, clingy, stalker-woman.

What they did train for however, was being very comfortable letting your bowels loose as you go about your activities. "Don't crap in your hand, crap in your poopy suit / You'll feel relieved filling your brief's / Fill your pants over France in your poopy suit / Flying high in the poo, feel free to do the number two," goes the jingle in the film they show freshmen astronauts. And I guess it sticks with them, as evidenced by this snippet:

...police said Nowak intended to kill Shipman, 30, when she bought a knife, BB
Gun, and other supplies, got in her car in Houston, and made the 12-hour drive
to Orlando, wearing diapers so she would not have to stop along the way.

The complete list of her accessories for the outing include a hooded tan trench coat and black wig, a folding knife, BB pistol, a new steel mallet, black gloves, rubber tubing and plastic garbage bags. Police caught her while she was attempting to determine which of these items would be most useful in reaching the light side of the moon after crashlanding on the dark side*. The best answer would receive extra credit points.

I'm not entirely sure a black wig and a hooded tan trench coat make for the best inconspicuous outfit. I mean, where the hell do you even find a hooded trench coat? You'd look like the Grim Reaper version of the guy on the neighborhood watch sign.

Speaking of appearences, I don't think I can properly conclude this post without introducing you to the key players. So get your program here, can't tell a waifish virginal Air Force captain from a hardened, strung out, ex-astronaut without your program.

The Cling-on. The Man in Question. The Waif.

Now that you know what they look like, some triva about each.

The Cling-on: Apparently a big fan of Freeze Dried Meth. Fears include being alone, running out of diapers on a critical mission (like a coke run), and personal hygiene.

The Man in Question: One of the first mixed race astronauts; his grandfather was quite obviously a rabbit.

The Waif: Goes by the nickname "the little general" as a result of her military background and petite frame. Is unaware, however, that "the little general" is the penis nickname of choice for 99% of all males who don't go with the "Little OWNER NAME HERE" formula.

- Scott

Crush of the Week: Kate Winslet

Well, now that I'm single, and I'm drowning in free time (at work mostly) I think the conditions are primed for the return of the CotW segment. Apologies to both Kristen Bell and Wendyloo Pseudonym (who contributed a bit) for leaving that post without further discussion, but I think we were all sick of her.

But Kate Winslet, now that's another story. I'm not actually sure it's possible to get sick of her. I mean, the woman looks so drastically different from one time period to another that it took me longer to find a picture of her that was decent and looks like her than any other CotW. And despite Nessa's assertion that it looks like she forgot someone's dinner, twice, I still think it's a fairly decent picture. Let's run down her features shall we?

Why she's worthy: First of all, give me an accent, and I'm already half way to a crush of the week. And she's an actress, in addition to the natural one, she can probably manage four or five others. One day she's Cockney Kate, the next she has a strong Irish brogue, after that... I don't know. Spanish or something. To keep things interesting. And she's a good enough actress that I think she could pull it off. She really should have an Oscar by now. My guess is that the right role portraying a mental toughing it out in the Holocaust hasn't come along just yet, but here's hoping.

Bonus Features: I was going to find some new Kate Winslet material. Something you hadn't all seen. But since no one commented on it (and if you'd watched it you would have had to) on the last post, I'm embedding the video that made me select her as this week's fleeting, ephemeral crush.



By the way, the word of the day is "purple headed womb ferret." Make sure to yell really loud when it comes up in everyday conversation.

- Scott

Top V, Bottom V: Boston Officals Suck edition

Because it's time, and because Nessa can't get Loverboy's masterpiece out of her head, I'm moving on to this week (ok, let's face it month's) Top Five/Bottom Five.

Top 5

1.) Bostonian Aqua Teen promoters strike back. It's the only way to deal with the media; forcing them to become even more ridiculous mockeries of themselves. And honestly, it's what I would have done. I will say my presentation would have been better. If you don't know the story behind this one see the poorly written article in my bottom five.

2.) Can't put a price on honesty. Seriously. Good work Romania. I register all my pirated software under false identities, stolen from babies who died after birth. But you just walk right up to Willy Gates and say "hey, my entire country is running on the FCKGW-RHQQ2-YXRKT-8TG6W-2B7Q8 keycode that Scott knows by heart." Way to out me too, dick.

3.) Trouble talking dirty? Kate Winslet is here to help. Let me just say that Extras is perhaps the best comedy on television. After The Office (yes, American version. I've become enamoured of it even more than the British. Heresy, I know.)

4.) More everyday hacks. From the man who incorrectly applied the Coke machine hack, thereby completely bricking the OS, and requiring it to be sent back to factory (me), comes the link to the Coinstar machine hack. Free coin counting for the masses!

5.) Zeusdamn it! The Lords of Kobol are back, baby. Oh, and the Greek Orthodox Church is less than thrilled.

Bottom Five:

1.) Idiot's take on the ATHF promoters. Read this man's article and seethe with rage, it'll prepare you for the next two.

2.) Fox News Obama Coverage. There's two links there so Fox News and Obama Coverage go to two different stories. A shame that the video is gone from the first one (replaced with Bush smirking) but the transcript from that bullshit is still there. The second, hard hitting, relevant, fair and balanced piece is still there in it's entirety. Pure rage after watching these.

3.) Adam Curry. No link for this one, just the man himself. He was on This Week in Tech last week, and I have to say it. The man is a twat. Without further ado, he will be insulted by Stephen Colbert.

"The reasons why he sucks are many and, to be truthful, have been widely catalogued in the annals of the internet. So, with your indulgence, I'd like to focus instead on the intensity of his sucking.

Adam Curry is a worthless piece of shit. Fuck him. He is a taint, not just in the sense of a "stain on the podcast," but litterally a taint - the anatomical area between the anus and the testicles."

4.) The promised explanation. If you dropped down from the Top Five looking, here it is.

5.) Exxon, the bastards. This is obvious. But I needed five.

- Scott