The Wonder Blog: Character's (flaws) Welcome

Most of the time I don't like a person for their better qualities. Good traits just seem so generic, you know? What really attracts me to a person are their vices. Their character flaws (to put it into the terms I'm most comfortable with). And thinking about this, I realized that I'm living too blameless a life. That if I really want to acheive the type of infamy I deserve, I need to step up the character flaws a notch. And to that end, I've decided to tell you all about my racism.

I'll admit it here, for all the world to read that I am a racist... against Eskimos. I know, most of you are shocked. A few of my inner circle are silently rejoicing that they don't have to carry the burden of the secret alone anymore. Why Eskimos? I'll tell you why: because racism, when it hurts people, is a horrible, vile thing. But if there's one thing I've learned from every award winning drama ever, it's that racism is a fascinating character flaw. And since I'll never run into a filthy, grubby, parka-sewing Eskimo, it's not likely that any actual harm will come from it.

It's not often I'll open up this much, and usually it requires my being drunk. But as those closest to me will attest, when I get some sauce in me every other sentence is a slur against those "godsdamned seal-stinking snow-jobs!" In a video released to E!'s "Most Outrageous Blogger Rants," which I bought back for a princely sum, I was seen on an actual soapbox, blitzed out of my mind, shouting at passers-by about the evils of the "Fish Spearing Igloo-Trash!" The transcript is as follows:

The eskimo is the natural emen-emin-*shakes head* enemy of the rest of the world. They're up there every day plotting. Those "eskimo kisses" everyone thinks are so cute are how they pass tiny micro-dots full of information about their plans for nuclear winter! THINK ABOUT IT! They've got the least to lose! Those fish spearing igloo-trash bastards are trying to bring us down to their level! So they can rename places Inunjuak, and Nukchukbuckfluck and all sorts of snow-job bullshit!

They're trying to make us fat and complacent with their insidious pies! They don't even wait for their elderly to die, they just push them out to sea on some ice! Lazy seal clubbing ice-bums! They...

And so on in that fashion. Young children might have wanted to skip that section. I'm not proud of it, but it makes me a more interesting character, and we all need a little spice in our lives, no? Please, feel free to pick an uber-small demographic to ignorantly rant about in the comments. (I reccomend the gajin.)

- Scott