Adventures in not Working part 2

Work is a dangerous place. Bosses, coworkers, sharp objects, and unruly customers conspire to steal time away from Digg reading, Wonder Blog posting, and website founding. Sometimes, you need to protect your perimeters. Sometimes you need to protect das fathja-cube. Sometimes you just need artillery superiority to secure your position in the office.

So that's what I created. By purchasing two separate items I created a mad scientist's weapon of mass distraction. The web-cam-missile-turret. With this I can protect my cube from those that would invade it to pilfer my pens, or my make off with my markers, or do something else that alliterates.

Observe:

Before being mounted on top of an 8 foot wall with a full view of the office.


Still in the testing phase, before sighting in the crosshairs... or figuring out how to apply crosshairs. Note the missle control console to the right.


Night-vision and targeting reticle in place, I'm ready to repel any comers.

Now I've been asked why I'm setting this system up when no one is even really messing with me yet. But I have to look at it like this: my cube neighbor Josh is making his move against the desk in picture #2. I've got an aggressive expansionist on my border. I have to approach this like I'm Poland in 1939... but this time I'm prepared (and not a Pole).

I've got about a 20 foot range, and an accurately sighted in scope up to 15. Josh (late 30's Germany to my east) has a small remote controlled helicopter that's going to know what hit it when it takes one of my missiles.

So that's what I've been doing at work.


(Edit: I forgot to mention the best part. I connected my missile-turret to my desktop that I have remote access to. So I can take a sick day, stay home, and from my apartment still shoot at people. Imagine the terror when a seemingly unmanned USB Missile Launcher suddenly comes to life, turns, and fires.)

An open letter to Atlanta, GA

Dear Atlanta,

Hi. How's things?

Listen, I know we're not the best of friends... what with your insistence on calling every type of soda "Coke," and your passion for watching cars turn left for hours on end... not to mention Michael Vick...

My point is, it's not as if I needed more reasons to make fun of the south, but you've gone and decided to ban baggy pants, and the showing of underwear. Sadly including thongs and bras. What the hell are you thinking Atlanta?

Honestly, why can't you be more like Vermont? They just upheld public nudity, the god(s)-given right of everyone born... ever. Why do you think we're born that way?¹ I've my own mis-spent youth of bursting into all female parties and taking my clothes off. Sometimes also naked folk singing. That was good clean fun, and with the exception of a few girls crying (because they had never before realized their own men were so inadequate) everyone enjoyed it.

So how can you get up on your white-sheet-clad-high-horse and ban the kids from showing a little boxer? Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Speedo to go swimming? No? And it should be. But boxers (and bras and thongs) are an important part of our society. I can't count the number of times my mother has shrieked at me for walking around our front lawn in nothing but boxers and a secure sense of manliness. "Don't put our male neighbors to shame; have some modesty!" she complains.

But secretly everyone wants it to happen and you can't ignore it.

I'll conclude my argument with three points, one I think you'll agree with, one you won't understand, and one I think is undeniable.

1.) If you ban sagging pants how will you know which black people you can safely harrass? I mean, some of them can actually afford lawyers.
2.) Without legal baggy pants, low-level superhero Baggin' Saggin' Barry will have to go all Watchmen on your asses.
3.) Baggy pants? What is this 1995?

Just think it over.

- Scott

¹ Oh sure, I bet you'll argue that every once in a while a baby comes out wearing the placenta as a hat... but that's not clothes, Atlanta. And you know it.

Too busy to post, too distracted to work.

Sorry kids, but this was quite a week. I had a server go-live on Tuesday which required I wake up at 3:30 AM and work until about 6:00 PM. It was fun, but it totally f'ed my sleep cycle in the A for the rest of the week. And when my sleep is off how can I post? I reckon I can't.

And unfortunately I don't really have time to post now either, but since I love you all so much I'm making a compromise. I'll post between service calls and remote server software installs, recounting the three work things I laughed at this week. Away we go:

1.) Hour 8 of the Tuesday go-live, a transcriptionist wants to know how to use a very obvious feature of the program (second only to "play audio"). I had been through eight hours of explaining things to people that they should already know. I kind of snapped:

Me: "Step 1. Open eyes. Step 2. Point them at screen."

2.) Internet was flickering on and off to the annoyance of all. It had been down (again) for about 2 minutes when this little exchange took place.

Bryan: "Yea, Al Gore giveth and Al Gore taketh away."
Robyn: "It's back on, but for how long this time?"
Me: "We must make a sacrifice to appease Al Gore. Quickly, someone bring me an SUV! I'll build an altar."

and finally...

3.) Eavesdropping on my boss talking at her desk with a co-worker about dating a stripper.

Beth: "She has four kids? That's a lot of baggage."
Me, mumbling: "Yeah... literally."
Beth: "What?! Did you just say 'literally'?"

Me: "Yeah, if you ever take them anywhere, it's literally a lot of baggage. They all have their day pack, and their suit case, and whatever gaming system they're dragging around, and like one doll and half an old blanket... you're going to have to buy a conversion van. That's what I'm saying. Dating this chick means buying a conversion van. Just go to a dealership right now."

Overheard in New York recogonizes brilliance when it sees it.

Check out the winners of this week's headline contest over at Overhead. Notice anyone handsome? That's right, three weeks into plugging away with potential headlines one finally gets chosen. And it's about the chosen people actually. So that works out.

Unfortunately, it's only a runner-up. But give me another three weeks. I will own that signed book. Oh yes, it will be mine¹. In the mean time I have a good excuse to buy higher-priced liquor.

That's what we call a win-win. And by "we" I mean myself and my friends at the AA meetings.

¹ I might be the first person to quote Wayne's World in the last four to five years. God, what have I done?

It's already paying off.

Remember the time I got ordained?

Well that's the gift that just keeps on giving.

Employee Survey

Here at my work, we have a company wide newsletter. Once a month one special employee is interviewed and the results are published. And it looked like today was my lucky... uh... month. These are the answers exactly as I typed them. Enjoy my lazy excuse to say I posted twice this week. Also if you'd like to hope none of these offend someone who can fire me, you'd be in good company (mine).

1. Chicken: Grilled or Crispy?

This largely depends on how hot it is outside. I usually prefer grilled chicken when I’m hot, crispy when I’m cold.

2. If you could go on a cruise, where would you go?

I’d go to the Virgin Islands again. Also, what’s this “if” I could go on a cruise? Do you know something I don’t?

3. Do you snore?

No. I’ve been told I speak Spanish, curse, and sometimes yell in my sleep, but no one has ever told me I snore.

4. As a kid, were you a LEGO Builder?

I was more of a contractor. They never gave me LEGO employee status, but I was licensed to work with their product.

5. Do you chew on your straws?

Not unless it’s an actual piece of straw from a field, and I’m shirtless and barefoot wearing overalls. Other than that, no.

6. Do you sing in the shower?

Not as much (or as well) as in the car.

7. Have you ever bungee jumped?

Yes.

8. Have you ever eaten sushi?

Also yes.

9. How do you like your eggs?

Cooked by someone else.

10. Crunchy or Creamy Peanut Butter?

This depends on barometric pressure, the phase of the moon, and the stock market. But a good rule of thumb is: Crunchy for PB&J’s, Smooth for all other uses.

11. What is your favorite cartoon character?

Bender, of Futurama fame.

12. What is your *least* favorite color?

Fuchsia. Or possibly taupe. No definitely taupe. Just the sound of the name makes me want to punch somebody.

13. What food could you eat for two weeks straight?

Tuna salad. I don’t have it much, but I always eat it and think: I could probably eat this every day. Then I promptly don’t buy it for another month or so. Vicious cycle.

14. Have you ever licked a 9-volt batery?

Yes, once.

15. How many cars have you owned?

Two. Could we possibly rewrite this question as "how many noobs have you pwned?" Because I'd have funnier answers for that.

16. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right handed. Although I bowl left.

17. What country would you most like to visit?

Greece. It has the highest plastic-covered sofa per capita in the world and the most mispronounced ethnic food in the world. (The gyro.)

18. Cheerios or Corn Flakes?

Cheerios. It’s like an English person greeting me every time I take out the box.

19.What is on your PC Wallpaper?

A hi-res image of Earth taken from a satellite.

20. Do you believe in life on other planets?

Of course.

21. Finish this sentence - Isn't it weird that...

…rats are hunted but squirrels get a free ride. Don’t you see?! They’re slowly invading!

22. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Well, that’s very private. But I will say that I’ve been seeing an memory foam pillow lately and so far everything’s going well. We’ve got a date on Friday, actually. Maybe ask me again Monday.

23. Using the first letter of your first name:
- City
- Something you find in the bathroom
- Something you find in the sea

• Seattle
• Shampoo
• Seal Clubbers
  

24. What is your favorite carnival ride?

My favorite ride was always the Rocko Planes. You just don’t see them anymore, so I guess carnies have a better way of turning people upside down to shake out their change. A shame really… it was the only ride where you had a little bit of control.

Movin' up in the world.

I'm a fan of stereotypes. This is not, necessarily, to say that I'm a bad person. I just like to look at the elements that make up a person's life and come to a conclusion about them based solely on that information. This doesn't always appear to be accurate, but it almost always contains a few grains of truth.

For instance, until I was kindly and nicely thrown out of my last job, I was driving this:

Little acknowledged fact: Driving this car automatically signs you up for the AARP newsletter.

Sometimes when I drove this car I even smoked a pipe. And complained about the music the kids listen to. As a result of my car and my habits, I was demographically an old man in all but age and sex appeal. But as I said I got fired, and had a little quarter life crisis. I ditched the firm, wore flip flops and bought a new car (the wisest financial strategy when you have no income.)

Behold: Tom.

That's right. It's a Celica... named Tom. If you still don't get it, mouse-over for a hint.

New car, new license plate (ALT TAB), and a distinct lack of old person-osity. So now I skew young, irresponsible, wildly good looking, and nerdy. I believe that with time, I can live with this.

Another quick one to prove the theory:

My brother used to drive an old Dodge Ram, chew tobacco, and drink keystone. He was, demographically, a rural Midwestern college student. And probably a farmer.

But recently, he's taken out a loan to buy a motorcycle. He smokes menthol cigarettes, and he drinks malt liquor. My brother has become an inner city black man. Q.E.D. The theory works.