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Gresham's Hundreds: The First Frivolities

I started Gresham's Hundreds as a direct result of the post where I said I had everything I wanted already. This bothered me. It made me ask myself, 'So what the bloody hell am I working for then?' Instead of quitting the workforce proper and becoming a grifter (which I am by no means ruling out) I decided that I would take on projects, frivolities, and bizarre purchases to fuel my languid sense of consumerism.

I wondered... what could I buy that would make me a better person. A more rounded person. A holier person. It so happened that, unbidden, the Reverend Al Sharpton jumped into my thoughts. In fact, I'm sure that's the only way he ever jumps into anyone's thoughts. I decided that I had to cast the beast out, but then I realized... he's a reverend. How do I contend with that?

By becoming ordained myself! A quick search around the interwebs turned up several such sites. A slightly longer comparison of the legality of various methods of being ordained followed, and finally a deliciously long rant about why I wanted (and felt I deserved) to be ordained along with some cash to grease the wheels, and two weeks later I receive the following in the mail:

I'm ordained as hell!

So from now on, you can refer to me as the Reverend H. Scott Gresham. On the left I have the founding documents of my church. As it turns out, I get to pick the name. I'm still taking suggestions, but I'm leaning toward The Scott Gresham Hallelujah House of Pancakes (and Salvation). On the right is the document from Rose Ministries confirming me as a member in good standing of their order, and legally ordaining me to perform marriages, funerals, and last rites.

Oh, and in the middle is my clergy credentials card, which I intend to use to visit friends in the hospital when they're only letting in family. You can always play the clergy card I've found. So it gets me a little more access. It's also a fun thing to pull out as an explanation for why you're someplace you shouldn't be. Nobody questions a Reverend. It's like a never ending roll of Mentos.

Other advantages of being ordained include:

• Telling people the end is near, but also offering an inexpensive sure-fire-salvation package.
  
• Blessing water to make it holy, useful for fighting Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves, and most other kinds of undead. (Ask me about my Holy Water creation service; just $5 bucks per gallon! Unleash a Super Soaker filled with the power of God on those pesky evil creatures of the night.)
  
• Frequently forgiving myself.
  
• Asking Jesus, as a personal favor, to spare a few kittens for me.
  
• Being able to marry and bury people (not always mutually exclusive).
  

If you'd like a closer look at my (suitable for framing!) Certificate of Ordination, here it is.

I'm working on the doctorate for a future GH, but most of those come from Qatar or the United Arab Emirates. I'd prefer to stay off the no-fly lists, for now anyway. Still, I promise that eventually you'll be able to call me "Reverend Dr. H. Scott Gresham, Esquire." And not only will you be able to; I'll make you.

Go in peace my children.

So say we all.

P.S. (I got bored later, and since it was so easy... here's this: the sign for my church.)