Harry Potter and the Slow News Cycle

Now that the book has been leaked to the internet there have been a number of sites posting spoilers to Harry Potter. I accidentally saw one that didn't ruin anything for me. But it might have. And you all might be spoiled as well. SO to protect my readers here's a long list of fake spoilers that I've created. Hopefully if you actually come across a real spoiler you'll forget it and/or get it confused with one of mine.

1.) Nymphadora Tonks is a man. As a metamorphmagus she can change her form. And if she can change her form HOW DO WE KNOW SHE'S NOT A MAN?! We don't. This is Rowling's bid for a homosexual relationship (between 'her' and Lupin)

2.) Hedwig is a Horcrux. That's right, Harry's bird was a plant from Voldemort. He has long had knowledge of Hagrid's penchant for Snowy Owls, and had his minions place the bird in Diagon Alley every time Hagrid was in the shop. Eventually it was purchased for Harry. It will be one of the most wrenching parts of the book when Ol' Potter has to destroy his beloved pet... and that's what Voldy wanted.

3.) The Sorting Hat is in a sexual relationship with Professor Trelawny. Nobody saw that one coming!

4.) House Elves are actually just wizarding children with Progeria.

5.) Harry becomes an Animagus. He changes quickly, and accidentally, while under extreme stress as he fights Death Eaters. Unfortunately, his form is a dolphin . The Death Eaters summon a tuna trawler and capture him, struggling, in a net.

6.) Snape is neither good or or evil. Just bored. In fact, he doesn't even appear in this volume having taken a position with the Peace Corps in South America to "find himself."

7.) Hermione overdoses on speed which she was taking to keep studying. Later it's revealed that the speed was actually caffeine pills, and her overdose consisted of sloppily singing "I'm so excited." Harry calls a "time out" and we all learn an important lesson about drugs.

8.) Voldemort is a Scientologist. Turns out his "horcruxes" were just body thetans he had to remove from himself to become pure again. He was just realizing the potential of a human mind free from psychology. A rumor in the Daily Prophet said he was a Hare Krishna, but Voldemort set them straight: "Oh sure, sure. Just because I'm bald and I wore an orange robe once that makes me a Hare Krishna. Listen, I wear robes. Sometimes I get tired of black. I know I'm the Dark Lord it's just... you know what, screw this. Avada Kedavra!"

9.) It's all been a dream. The last page is Harry waking up and finding himself 11 years old and living under the stairs at the Dursley's. He promptly hangs himself.

And that's what happens in the last book.