Today marks an event of historical note. Never before in the history of the Wonder Blog ®, or Crush of the Week™, have two people been simultaneously featured (with the exception of Rosario Dawson being in the same picture as Scarlett Johansson. But that was because I couldn't bring myself to prominently display that harpy without something to redeem the photo.)
But I just stumbled upon these pictures and it must be done. I've considered both of these... *grudging use of the term* women... before and they both are squarely in the realm of anti-crushes. However I had no pressing reason to post about them, no straw to break this camel's back, no photo to damn them in the eyes of my readers. Not until now. Without further meaningless typing:
Anti-Crush of the Week!
Name(s): Jessica and *heavy sigh* Ashlee Simpson. What a ridiculous spelling of a simple name. I bet they let Jessica name her.
(A few of the) Reasons they've earned my contempt: Well let's start with the obvious. Jessica is a moron. I've heard it spun seventeen ways that it's just her image and she's being ditzy all the way to the bank but let's not kid ourselves, if she could pull that off she wouldn't have had 80% of her role in Dukes of Hazzard cut out. She's a perfect example of a character that put all their attribute points into appearance. INT, WIS, CHA? Nada. And ever since she left Nick, my tolerance for her has gone down faster than her father's eyes when she's wearing a tube top. (Cheap shot, but that guy creeps me out. Also he once said this.)
Now, my real gripe. Ashlee. Remember when you could glance at a picture of Ashlee Simpson and instantly recogonize her (if you answered no to this question, you're either a better person than I, foreign, or both). I do. Those were the halcyon days. But now? I have to flip through my mental rolodex of skinny, annoying female celebrities made generic by plastic surgery before I get even the slightest clue as to who I might be grimacing at (I really hate those types).
Me Bonus: This is a feature I like to use when explaining just why a girl is so great isn't enough. I have to show you. As far as anti-crushes it's hard to decide what to do with it because I really don't to put more of these vapid, ditsy girls on my site. This time it's just a picture to illustrate how thoroughly Ashlee's surgery ruined her appearence.
On the left: A person. On the right: The latest plastic toy to come off the press.
Once again. On the left: Who the hell is that? On the right: That girl who screwed up on SNL.
- Scott
I think you should anti-crush on me. I haven't had plastic surgery, and I possess zero implants, but my dramatic, and unexplained, weight loss has rendered me as curvacious* as a 10 year old boy.
ReplyDelete*I went through 4 different spellings of this before saying to hell with it and looking it up. My last attempt had been correct, although it can ALSO be spelled curvaceous. Which makes me think of dinosaurs, and extinction. As though I ought to make a time line on graph paper and outline my life as follows:
1980-1996 - Prevaceous Period
1996-2005 - Curvaceous Period
2005-Present - Postvaceous Period, also known commonly as 'It's Lucky I'm Already Married Period'.
Anti-crush? With such a solid comment, not to mention presenting a unified front on Jake's blog against the sterility of Olbermann, I think you're more likely to land on the Top Five.
ReplyDeleteWhich would be quite the feat, there hasn't been a human being (or non-abstract concept for that matter) on my Top Five list in quite some time. Well played.
- Scott
I just knew that you two were in cahoots! Conspiring against me! Blarghlearghle!
ReplyDeletehonestly, I thought the blonde girl in the bottom set of pictures was Hillary Duff for a second...... I'm frightened and I feel I must go cower under a blanket because the clones are coming and I certainly won't blend in.
ReplyDelete