No Rain.

I put it past the St. Louis DJ's to be ironic enough to play Blind Melon's "No Rain" just because it's raining. But the past two days it has been raining, and I've heard that song on both drives to work. And while the character in the song "start(s) to complain / when there's no rain," I start to want to wipe out 50 to 70 percent of humanity when it is raining.

I'll pose my question in it's most obvious form first: Why do people feel the need to drive like they're hauling nitroglycerin the instant it starts the lightest precipitation?

What'd that add, maybe 50 feet to your stopping distance? Does that justify the 30 miles per hour slower you're driving? And they say 'oh I could get in a wreck.' Well... would it be the worst thing in the world? If your reflexes are so bad you can't handle driving in the rain are these genes we need to pass down*?

And if there was a massive pileup in which say... 100 people died. Would this really be the worst thing that could happen? Think about all the revenue that's going to generate. Coffins, funeral expenses, accident cleanup, scrap metal sales, etc. And best of all, there's 100 less cars clogging I-270 on my way to work.

And another thing. I think doctors should stop curing illnesses. We need sickness to thin out the herd (so I can drive more easily to my place of business). I'm all for quality of life though. They can treat the symptoms but not the illness, no extending the lifespan. You've got pneumonia? Here, take this. You'll feel great, but I give you about two weeks to live.

I'm also for a mandatory offspring limiting program. This would be based on intelligence, income, and stability of lifestyle. Having seen Idiocracy, I'm frequently concerned about the moron underclasses outbreeding the intelligent among us. I feel this would also take care of my traffic issue nicely.

But for the short term, I'm probably just going to have to shoot people. Anyone have handgun recommendations?

- Scott

*Asians excluded. Everyone knows they can't drive faster than 45 miles per hour, but they've got the Science and Technology Pass. Besides, someone has to make Tim's Hentai.

Filters ain't sh*t but holes and tricks

I'm glad to see everyone responding so nicely to my work slacking. Honestly, I'm not surprised; ever since Office Space it's pretty much become the new American Dream. You could argue that it was before the movie, but you'd be lying to yourself. Mike Judge made it what it is today. Before that it was cool, but less socially acceptable. Now it's bragging rights.

Anyway*, knowing who's coming around the corner is only half the issue with work slacking. It certainly frees you up to utilize your computer to your heart's content, but what if you can't access anything worthwhile because your internet is filtered all to hell? And what if all hell has broken loose and you need to switch over from your game/website/movie without a lot of obvious clicking and keystrokes? Well, my friends, there is a solution.

I fought my most evil foe to date in the form of a firewall/content filter by the name SmartFilter. I came to loathe it. SmartFilter blocked everything from Boing-Boing to Overheard in New York, and for the most asinine of reasons. For "profanity" or for "provocative attire." Yes, god forbid adults with 15 minutes to kill read the word "fuck" or see a woman in a bra (or whatever the hell else they might be posting on Boing-Boing.)

I had to get around SmartFilter. My first attempt was a do-it-yourself effort which worked roughly half the time and used up all my resources when it did. But after a little research I found Circumventor. It's the ultimate solution to all such woes. See the below "How To" post for more information.

That takes care of the ability to browse teh intarwebs to your heart's content, but what about that panic scenario I mentioned when your boss is an arm's length away and you need to switch from a lot of entertainment based programs to a few work-related ones?

Well what we at Wonder Blog Labs have created (well... found on the internet) is this:

Pretty impressive, no?

Ok, it might not look like much. But the StealthSwitch is essential work slacking gear. I wouldn't recommend entering a cubical without one. $25.00 of your hard earned cash gets you a programmable foot switch that can easily be set to hide one set of programs (for instance World of Warcraft, Security Camera Feeds, and iTunes) and bring up another (for example Excel, Outlook, and Word).

That's all for lessons in slacking this week. Look forward to next week's installment where I show you how to track your boss's location with a tiny USB compatible LoJack system.

- Scott

* I think on roughly 90% of my posts the second paragraph starts out "anyway." This is because, as a writer, I need a little scaffolding going in. And as a chronic rambler, I have a lot to say. In fact, if a post looks too long... just start on the second paragraph. I promise you won't miss anything.

How To: Defeat Internet Censorship

There's two ways. You can try the Stupid Censorship site (which works about half the time), or you can go with a more permanent solution: your own Circumventor.

Circumventor is a program you install on your home computer. It creates a website that you can connect to from work. When you're at work, you go to your Circumventor site which uses your home computer and internet connection to load the pages you want to see. It gets around all internet censorship.

It's ridiculously easy to set up, and I'll make it even easier. Do the following (links are direct downloads):

1. Download Active Perl. Allow it to install itself to the C:\ drive (the default.) Go with the default options.
   
2. Download Open SA. Same deal, use all the default options, don't change anything.
   
3. Finally, download the Circumventor. When you run this, it'll show a whole hell of screens and prompts. You can ignore them. (With the exception of one where you have to click "OK.") At the end you should see a browser window pop up and tell you that it's ready. It will also tell you the address for your Circumventor.
   

Then you should be up and running. Your Circumventor will run as long as your computer is up and you have an internet connection. Occasionally Peace Fire (the organization who created Circumventor) will send traffic (usually people in China who can't connect to the internet without it) your way. If this bothers you when you're not using it from work, just close the program.

If you're a Wonder Blog reader and you need some help with this, just shoot me a comment with an email address where we can discuss it.

- Scott

Fightin' the Man since 1985.

Best. Employee. Ever.

Everybody has their price. Everyone draws the line somewhere. Everyone waits for the straw that breaks the camel's back. For me this is a number, and that number is 3. Three comments and I feel like I can move on. I fully intended to post on Tuesday. But I was waiting for that third comment. It's like watching a Saved by the Bell marathon. You just watched an hour of it, butthey're only playing one more episode... might as well stick around for the third. Same thing.

Anyway, I have a job that offers awkward hours, alternately surly or incompetent coworkers, and a higher sense of responsibility than the title implies. But it's not really that bad. Especially considering the hours and hours of nothing-to-do that I must regularly kill (and get paid for). But, as I said above, at some point enough is enough and you have to fill those hours with something.

Well it just so happens I have an addiction that would while away more hours than I work in a day. It has a name: the World of Warcraft. The problem being, it doesn't seem like a very responsible way to spend my day, does it?

"How was work today, Scott?"

"Oh horrible, some damned level 70 rogue kept ganking me while I was trying to escort the Night Elf back to Honor Hold."

That aside, even though my boss is cool with any diversions that don't detract from my performing job duties, I still don't want to be seen playing. Lots of people come in and out of the Data Center, and despite the fact that it looks like the bridge of the damned Enterprise some people actually stop and check out what we're doing rather than oogle it.

This would be the NCC-1701 A, of course.

All nerdery aside, I needed a fool-proof way to play, without the risk of ever being caught. What I devised was no less than ingenious. I said it, ingenious. Observe:

On yer left: Sputnik running World of Warcraft. On yer right: Live security camera feeds for my floor.

How did I do this? Well I'd heard rumblings about the cameras in my building being capable of a web-interface and searched through all the documentation, and read the materials until I had the feed piped to my computer. Basically I can monitor the entire building from my desktop. And it gives me a five minute warning on approaching bosses, coworkers, and sight seers. Were there other ways to pass the time? Maybe. Would they have been as fun? Hardly.

- Scott

Housekeepy!

This week you gets yer Top 5/Bottom 5 and yer Crush o' the Week all in one spectacular filler post! Celebrate people. Celebrate. And later, if you feel like it, represent. Moving right along.

This week's Crush of the Week: Sarah Silverman

Why her? Why the hell not? Have you seen her? But that's shallow, and as we all know, I like to conceal my superficial nature below layers and layers of reasoning. To that end, her work alone is endearing enough that I would have listed her sight unseen. No offense ladies, but I find very few female comedians funny. This is not to say I'm biased against them, but half of female standup is based on the "you know what? men are stupid! we're so much better than they are" formula. As a result few of them make me laugh. And even fewer do it in such a way that afterwards I'm attracted to them. I mean, Lisa Lampanelli is pretty funny, but even if she looked like Morgan Webb, she still wouldn't be crush-worthy.

Sarah strikes that difficult balance of funny, sweet, and completely filthy. If I were citing references I would point you to Jesus Is Magic and The Sarah Silverman Program. I mean, she named her show "The Sarah Silverman Program." I love her for that.

Further asskickery: She's quite the lady that Sarah Silverman. Not only will she date (and presumably have sex with Jimmy Kimmel) but she's also... you know what? There doesn't even have to be another thing. Making sweet, sweet love to Jimmy Kimmel is enough. God bless her. Not to mention, her physical beauty was enough to get me to purchase my first and only copy of Heeb: The new Jew review.

But for you good folk, here's two sources of the rich vein of Awesome that is Sarah Silverman. A little standup, and her guest spot on Loveline. I recommend watching the embedded now, and listening to Loveline whilst driving. Or vice versa if you prefer.

A good example of her work. Plus she looks smokin' hot here.

Also here's your Loveline link. She (and next week's crush, which I've already written) is a large reason that the Loveline archive is my number 1 in this week's Top 5. Excellent work entertainment. That's all for CotW, if you don't love her at this point, I can't love you.

Top Five: Work Hours Time Killer edition

1.) The Loveline Archive.
2.) John Dies at the End. (Fantastic online horror story. Excellent time killer.)
3.) This wonderful drunk. (A deviation from the formula, but damn I love this story.)
4.) N Game, the last flash game you'll ever need. (And an addiction I've suckered my office into. Just download it and give it a shot. I promise, you'll never want for another game to play at work.)
5.) Nessa. (Because sometimes you just have to catch me in want of a number 5.)

Bottom Five: Abstract Concept edition

1.) Users. (Literally, the users of the network at Tech Industries... idiots.)
2.) Barr Realty.
3.) The utter lack of Add-Ons for real life to manage my assets. (If I can have a report of every copper piece I've spent in the last 38 levels, why can't these people make software that tells me the same thing in real life?)
4.) Shitty Work Internet.
5.) Smartfilter.

And that's all for today. Look forward to nerdery and camera hacking tomorrow.

- Scott

Eye, Eye.

The internet always surprises me. Every time I think I'm alone on something, others chime in. Or I chime in with others. To be fair, sometimes I just add my two cents, not quite a chime. In any case, the word "chime" is slowly losing its meaning with each repetition, so I'll retire this not-quite-dead-but-probably-paralyzed-horse right now.

My point is this: the last post I put up was just some random thought I had and instead of casting me as the heretic I am, people kind of took it and ran. So, I have another question that I've spoken of in real life, but never had anyone take seriously.

Does anyone else see the world in two different tints?

My left eye sees the world in through a cool (warmth wise) green tint. I dub this the "Matrix Eye." My right eye has a warmer reddish tint to it. I dub this my "Right Eye." Really it reminds me of playing with the contrast knobs on an old TV set. It's to the point where my arms (if I can only see one in each eye) seem to have different tans.

I don't know if what I'm saying is immediately clear, so I whipped up an image to demonstrate. It's a picture of me from last summer when I wasn't in such good shape, but it's all I had access to at work. Be gentle.

Greenish Scott on the left, Reddish Scott on the Right.

Basically that's what someone with eyes like mine would see as they looked through binoculars at me. Or, in other words, that's what I would see if I could go back in time. Because that's all I'd do. Look at myself. Look at myself from different angles, look at myself changing clothes, look at myself in the sho... well... you get the picture.

Anyway. My question from above was: is anyone else similarly eff'd up? (As far as the eyes are concerned.)

- Scott

G versus E (where E is economics)

Something's been bothering me lately. (Well, something besides the auto-spell-checker built into the latest release of Firefox.) What's been nagging at me is where the hell* Faustian bargains went? When is the last time you heard of someone selling their soul for earthly pleasure? It seemed like it used to happen all the time. Some peasant sells his soul for a farm and a wife and bam, some other clod drops dead and it's all his. Pretty sweet deal... for the devil. All he had to do was manipulate some germs to do in a day what nature would have done in a decade.

I sometimes wonder if the devil gave up on Faustian bargains because in modern times, what people want in return for their souls is just so outlandish that it's economically not feasible to make the trade. I mean, how much hassle is a soul worth? For instance, among the things that would have to be on the table for me to consider parting with my immortal soul would be the following:

• teleportation
• telekenisis
• telepathy
• anything that has "tele-" before it and implies a god-like power
• Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite
• A flawless memory ( i.e. Bean)
• Regeneration a-la Wolverine
• riches
• a Viper
  
• the ability to understand, read, speak, and (why not) fart, in all the languages of the world, etc.
  

I probably wouldn't actually go through with the Faustian Deal, but if all that** were possible and easily do-able, hell it might be something to look into. But I just don't think Old Scratch is up to it. And who can blame him. That's a shit-ton of work to do when back before television all he needed to do was conjure up a prize winnin' hieffer. Honestly, I wouldn't bother either. Feel free to mention how unreasonable you'd be in the comments.

- Scott

* Pun intended, grudgingly
** And I mean the good version of all that, none of this "becareful what you wish for/how you phrase the wish or you end up being turned into an actual wolverine instead of having the mutant power you wanted" bullshit

Car Wreck

Sorry I haven't posted lately everyone. I got in an accident with my parents' Highlander and it's been kind of a nightmare dealing with all the insurance bullshit since then.

I was driving to St. Louis in my parent's SUV on Saturday and adjusting the radio. For all the nice features of the car it's sound system sounded like shit. Or more accurately shit played through a tin can, recorded on an overused casette, and played back over the phone on a radio call-in show.

Anyway, I'm on a two lane highway headed toward the river road when another car comes up behind me driving like he just robbed a bank. Incidentally, it was the exact same model as the one I was driving, just black and slightly newer. I was speeding by about 5 miles an hour because it was a somewhat cop-saturated area.

I thought at the time that this was apparently nowhere near fast enough for Mr. Black-SUV-Assholerson, as he rode my ass for a few miles before he had a chance to swing out around me. It was the first chance he'd had in miles of oncoming cars, and I thought at the time that he'd picked his moment badly because he had VERY little time to pull it off.

Apparently not enough. Just as I was going to slow down to help him out Black-SUV-Assholerson changed lanes into my car, hard. Broke the all the windows on the driver's side except the back cargo area one, we traded some paint. By this point I had started to stop, but so did he so I was more or less forced into the ditch. This broke the front passenger-side headlight and screwed up the front axel.

We finally got stopped completely, him further up the road by about 20 feet. I got out and very seriously considered charging into him and taking the damages out of his flesh. Instead I screamed raggedly at him the only thing I could think to ask "WHY?! Why did you do this to my parent's Highlander?"

Leaning his head out his window, he said "Because there can be ONLY ONE!" and drove away.

State Farm still doesn't believe me.