Friday, March 30, 2007

No Rain.

I put it past the St. Louis DJ's to be ironic enough to play Blind Melon's "No Rain" just because it's raining. But the past two days it has been raining, and I've heard that song on both drives to work. And while the character in the song "start(s) to complain / when there's no rain," I start to want to wipe out 50 to 70 percent of humanity when it is raining.

I'll pose my question in it's most obvious form first: Why do people feel the need to drive like they're hauling nitroglycerin the instant it starts the lightest precipitation?

What'd that add, maybe 50 feet to your stopping distance? Does that justify the 30 miles per hour slower you're driving? And they say 'oh I could get in a wreck.' Well... would it be the worst thing in the world? If your reflexes are so bad you can't handle driving in the rain are these genes we need to pass down*?

And if there was a massive pileup in which say... 100 people died. Would this really be the worst thing that could happen? Think about all the revenue that's going to generate. Coffins, funeral expenses, accident cleanup, scrap metal sales, etc. And best of all, there's 100 less cars clogging I-270 on my way to work.

And another thing. I think doctors should stop curing illnesses. We need sickness to thin out the herd (so I can drive more easily to my place of business). I'm all for quality of life though. They can treat the symptoms but not the illness, no extending the lifespan. You've got pneumonia? Here, take this. You'll feel great, but I give you about two weeks to live.

I'm also for a mandatory offspring limiting program. This would be based on intelligence, income, and stability of lifestyle. Having seen Idiocracy, I'm frequently concerned about the moron underclasses outbreeding the intelligent among us. I feel this would also take care of my traffic issue nicely.

But for the short term, I'm probably just going to have to shoot people. Anyone have handgun recommendations?

- Scott

*Asians excluded. Everyone knows they can't drive faster than 45 miles per hour, but they've got the Science and Technology Pass. Besides, someone has to make Tim's Hentai.

published with much attention to detail by Scott @ 3/30/2007 03:25:00 PM

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:10 PM

    You think they drive bad there? Come out to Los Angeles. If it raining you would think they said hurricane. People hear whine like little girls about rain here and they drive so slow I am ready to bring on real life bumper cars. It is RIDICULOUS. Sorry to hear fellow drives are out to get you...lol.

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  2. Johnny Virgil6:20 PM

    go for a .40 cal. It's a nice compromise between the high capacity mag of the 9mm and the knockdown power of the .45.

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  3. Scott1:34 PM

    Yes, yes, everyone has their own brand of traffic hell. Though ironically I don't mind gridlock. As long as it's consistent. What pisses me off terribly is when people slow down FOR NO BLOODY REASON.

    Johnny Gungil, I originally asked that question as "What gun would you recommend JV?" but didn't want to exclude the rest of my audience. Knew you'd come through, thanks.

    - Scott

    P.S. Interesting that relentlessly mocking vegans is mean, but shooting them is OK.

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  4. Anonymous2:17 PM

    I wasn't talking about gridlock. I was talking about people slowing down for the dumbest reasons. For example, I was driving with some friends to Malibu for the day and all of a sudden we hit HORRIBLE traffic. The HOUR we were stuck in it we theorized what had caused the unexpected craziness. You knwo what it was? People slowing down to look at a plastic bag. I freaking kid you not...stupid nosy people.

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  5. Nessa Happens7:23 AM

    Sandy always says when it is raining that folks that drive that badly are religious fundamentalists who are fretting that they ought to be turning around to go home and build an ark rather than driving around to pick up the latest Kenny Loggins CD.

    That's right, I said it. All religious fundamentalists are hicks with awful taste in music. Bring it.

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  6. kimberlyb19743:27 PM

    Kenny Loggins is awful? Crap...

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  7. Scott4:01 PM

    Kenny Loggins isn't awful. He showed me the highway to the danger zone. AND FOR THAT, I am forever grateful.

    I had been taking the back roads to the danger zone, and it had been chapping my ass. The highway is much faster. I really don't know what I'd do without it.

    Also, I just lost a post. God damn it.

    Recreating it, but I'm pissed.

    - Scott

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