I was recently driving (well, riding) to a Reel Big Fish concert in St. Louis when our meandering SUV passed a billboard that caught everyone's attention: Confessions of a Terrorist, the sign cryptically stated along with a picture of a stereotypical Arab man, dark eyes peering from beneath his be-kaffiyeh'd head. At the bottom there was a phone number. That was it.
And it. was. hilarious. Not in and of itself. No, not really. But when I started thinking about what kind of things you might hear if you called the number, I nearly wet myself. With your indulgence, I flesh out my one-off gag below:
A pre-recorded stock introduction picks up on the second ring and begins speaking.
And... scene.
A Very Serious, Thick Arabic Accent: Hello, infidel. You have reached the Confessions of a Terrorist audioblog! Stand by for today's confession.
The same voice, though using a much more frivolous tone (bordering on effeminate) then says:
Wednesday, August 2nd.
O.K. Today I was so going to go work out, but Allah be praised, a MacGyver Marathon came on and I spent all day just eating Häagen-Dazs (I'm so bad!) and wishing I could do that stuff. With the ball point pen... suddenly a gun!
*BEEP*
Friday, August 4th.
Todays' is a secret from everyone but my family. Or at least, it has been ever since that acursed day, November 11th, 1992 when the lie told by the animators of the corrupt Western media (may their hands be chopped off) forever linked my name to a lowly, if adorable, monkey! He and his tiny carboosh can go to hell! Damn you Aladdin! Damn you Disney! My name is Abu! And I'm sick of hiding it. It was that day I put a jihad on Disney! I say to them, a shoe is on your head! ...That doesn't translate very well. But it's bad. Trust me.
*BEEP*
Monday, August 7th.
(Poor Dr. Nick impression, laced with heavy Arabic accenting) "hhhHi everybohdy!" Didn't I sound just like him? Today I have a good confession, lots of times when I'm shooting at the planes of the Great Satan, I'm really thinking "This desert air does no favors for my skin." It's horrible, but that's where my head is. Sometimes I think, are they really that much of a "Great" Satan? Sure they're pretty bad, but sometimes I feel like there's a better Satan I could be campaigning against. Anyway, like I was saying, I moisturize like like the Dickens, believe me people talk about all the lotion I go through, but still I crack! It's horrible.
Monday Bonus Confession!!! In my cell we like to call each other "peeps". Like "Hey I need my peeps to help me move this damned huge crate of Sixteen Candles DVD's." It's touches like that that really bring a jihad together.
- Scott
It's times like these when I realize you truly are special.....or maybe touched is the word I was looking for. That notwithstanding, I laughed, very hard. BTW...I discovered there was a new post by your status update, you should always do that to save me time.
ReplyDeleteYou were right - it was hilarious. The picture really made it.
ReplyDeleteI've a new post up, but it's on lock down for being too delicious for common consumption. You'll have to sign in to enjoy it.
p.s. "like the dickens"???
ReplyDeleteWho the hell is this guy - Rex Harrison?
Eddi,
ReplyDeleteI really am a gem. I can't believe I haven't been declared a national treasure yet. I'm glad you liked the post, and especially the new delivery mechanism. I'll do it from time to time at least.
Nessa,
That post was pretty delicious. However (and I'm replying sometime later) the chipmunk saga is holding the public interest pretty heartily right now. Just glad that you (probably) don't have rabies.
- Scott
P.S. ...are you accusing Rex Harrison of being a terrorist. Are you pretending he faked his death? Because that's just in poor taste. Now, had you gone the zombie terrorist mastermind route, that would have been acceptable.