Higher Education Poster Child

I've always thought myself a pretty photogenic, influential, and all around wonderful person. Unfortunately this opinion hasn't always been shared by others. Like the time I thought it would be great fun to wear the chained medal they give to the valedictorian and walk around spouting such witicisms as "I pity the fool who's not valedictorian." Or "Drink your vegetables, stay in milk, and don't do school." I have a surprisingly good Mr T. impersonation. It was all well and good until I ran into the valedictorian himself, who found it less amusing than I did. Especially when the damn thing couldn't be put back in its case despite our combined efforts. I guess he wasn't so smart after all. Where's that perfect GPA now hot stuff?

In any case, I'm a pretty great guy. I could never understand why no one made me the head of a multinational corporation. Or at least put me on TV. (Wait, actually that already happened.) But what I've never been is the face of an organization. Sure I ran the "Dangerous Adventures, No Girls" club out of my treehouse, but the group got very little media exposure. Despite our limited influence, I learned from the experience that what an institution really needs in order to get ahead is an attractive, blondish, rugged, plaid bedecked individual. Bonus points if he's witty and charming.

Apparently Robert Morris College decided I'm right. Let's face it, there's really no better way to promote the school. Observe.

Eh? Pretty effective, no? You can't wait to matriculate all over that can you ladies?

Literally thousands of high school students are now receiving that very flyer. Even more are receiving different versions where I'm sprawled out across several books, clad only in the pages of works by James Joyce. I also have nipple tassels made out of Truman Capote's writings. It's the decidedly racier version.

However I want everyone to know I didn't write that text floating near my perfect head. Nor did I say it in the commercial that this picture is taken from. In fact, I don't think I ever said anything to that extent in the whole my time there. Although one time I'm pretty sure I said "I have a goal and plan to get out of here." So maybe they misquoted me on that.

Interestingly, I also didn't say they could put me on a flyer! I signed a release that said they could use my likeness for the commercial, not for flyer distribution. Clearly I can expected a renegotiated royalties contract.

- Scott

P.S. Know, dear readers, that I had to go to the public library to scan this document. All for you. Sure, we have scanners here. Several. But apparently nobody thought it a worthy cause to keep the f*#^ing installation disks. So I had to sit, amid grammatically challenged 13 year old girls while listening to such quotable bits of information as "Rachel don't like you." It's also a great place to visit the internet, and computing in general, as it was oh say... seven years ago? That sounds right.