That's right boys and girls. I'm not feeling any strong lecherousness toward any female celebrity this week. At least none that provided tasteful, but attractive pictures. It's a hard gig to land. And this week, none in Hollywood was up to the challenge. So, I'm left with no choice but to rail against the trolls that are constantly in the presence of more attractive women. And are often presented as being attractive themselves! This must stop. And it stops here. Without further ado: Scott's Animosity Filled Anti-Crush of the Weekend. (It's like bizarro world in here today.)
Name: Scarlett Johanson. First of all, we'll start with her name. Scarlette. A small scar. From the Latin scarletus*, meaning "a slash across the face". And that's exactly what she's like. Ignoring the ignominous root word of her name, it's pretentious all on its own. Scarlett Johanson. She sounds like some girl in your high school that's talked about alot because she's having sex with the girl's softball coach. A Google search for "Scarlett Johanson Ugly" comes up with 28,000 results. In short, dumb name.
Why She's Earned My Contempt: Aside from having a bad name, she just isn't attractive. At all. In any sense. Her face looks like it's composed of warm, malleable cheese stretched over a framework of ping-pong balls. Her lips, which curl up into a sneer rather than a smile, outright make me want to punch her, except that I really don't want to come into physical contact with that... thing if I can avoid it. Basically she looks like the kind of girl I'd expect to see working the 3-7AM shift at the local Wal-Mart Supercenter, in the too tight khaki pants and the awkward blue vest covering her misshapen torso.
And despite this, we're expected to adore her! WTF mates? Everyone fawns over her as if she wasn't hideous, and they go on to suggest that she's one of the most attractive women in the world. That loud noise you're hearing is the world scraping the bottom of the barrel on attractive women if she's on the list. I had a lot of respect for Topher Grace, until he went on Conan and talked about kissing her like he enjoyed it. Wash your mouth out Topher... or I'm done with you. What do I need you for? I have a spare. His name is Tim Ryder.
Also, as you can see to the right in the Anti-Crush of the Weekend position, she clings to more attractive celebrities like those small remora fish that attach themselves to the shark's underbelly so as not to be completely worthless. Although in this case, she more or less accentuates her unworthiness. (Also, I didn't to force readers to look directly at her.)
Scott Bonus: If you'd like to make your own Scarlett Johanson bust, presumably to light on fire or drive your car over please follow the simple directions below.
Be the first one on your block to have your own 100% authentic Scarlett Johanson Head.
- Scott
* Though I made "scarletus" up, I decided to google it. Lo and behold, it turns out to be the scientific name of a type of scarab beetle. The universe is just afterall.
you never cease to amuse me...
ReplyDeleteAaaaaaah! think of the massive destruction I could create with firesteel and maya dust!!!
ReplyDeleteI know what I want for Christmas.
Also - while not an enormous fan of SJ, I thought she was completely enthralling in Lost in Translation. I could not look away from her. That is possibly because if I did look away from her, I'd see an old, saggy Bill Murray...I'm not sure, man. I'm not saying it was one thing or another, all I'm saying is, she glowed.
Also, I have a suggestion for your next crush of the week:
ReplyDeletehttp://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4698/2149/1600/pooldog3.jpg
Love it.
Also, also.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
I'd gladly switch places with Topher Grace if it meant I got to make out with Scarlett Johansson.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, Scotty. I completely disagree with you. Besides, I'm nobody's "spare."
In other news, I named a character after you in a ComedySportz show on Saturday. He was a huge D&D nerd.
P.S. That dog is adorable.
P.P.S. My blog sucks.
Eddi say:
ReplyDeleteScarlet...not cute, though I don't think she looks like cheese covered ping pong balls.
but Rosario....NOT CUTE EITHER!!!!!
C'mon Scott, usually your taste is so much more dependable.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteOh, the hilarity! While reading this blog in super-small window size so as not to alert the boss that I am, once again, not working, I was entertained, as I certainly don't give a damn about Miss Scarlett. And I was doing a darn fine job of not drawing attention to myself by not chuckling...then I scrolled down to the picture and there was no way I was going to be able to hide the laughter anymore. I had to literally put my head under my desk so as not to be caught having any fun....that was just...classic.
ReplyDeleteDarn you and your photo manipulating prowess!
J Fi, Fo, Fum, thanks. I do try.
ReplyDeleteNessa, yes destruction. Sweet, unexpected desctruction. Borne on the keychain of doom.
But you should know that in that movie, like all her movies since, she played a somewhat superficial girl who just smiled, looked reproachful, and ultimately was adored. Why? I can't for the life of me find this troll attractive. And yes, she glowed. Probably because all the lights they had on her were heating her cheese-face to the point of melting, but not quite.
Also Nessa, yeah. Um... no. Cute dog, but if I'm going to crush on something outside my species it's going to be Cheetara or Gadget.
Timmy, you know you're the other Eric Foreman. The Topher in waiting if you will. Through no fault of your own. There's only so many combinations of genes and parenting out there.
However, I do appreciate the Comedy Sports nod. Was it full on "Scott Gresham" or just "Scott". I just want to know how I'm living on in ephemeral improv infamy.
Scott say back to Eddi:
Agreed. And yes she does. And Rosario is hot enough to melt that face of hers. And my flesh one too. She's the kind of woman you have to remind yourself that even if you did crawl over a mile of broken glass for, there's no gaurentees. Still might be worth it.
Kimmy, I always appreciate a Kimmy Comment. I think I'm adding someone to mis blogo's favoritos. Two somebodies, you and Sarah, but that's another matter.
I'm glad you liked it. I'm doubly glad it required ostrich head hiding tactics in order to keep your cover. You'll be the first to get the t-shirt I'm printing based on that picture. I'm serious.
- Scott
Oh, it was full-on Scott Gresham. Announced right to the audience. Josh was in the crowd. He laughed.
ReplyDeleteOn another subject, what's your evidence for Ratner crapping on X-Men canon? I heard every scene in that movie came right from a comic book. Are you having issues with Dark Phoenix? I still haven't found time to see it, but I'm curious as to your thoughts.
On Saturday my friends and I were watching E!'s countdown of the hottest blondes, and Scarlet Butterface was #1. #1!!! That is ridiculous. I was outraged. I love this post because I was starting to feel I was alone in my feelings toward SJ. She's terrible.
ReplyDeletei know you asked for scott's opinion, but this movie hurt me in my soul and i could not remain silent...X3 sucked....and no...it wasnt all straight from the comic, it was straight from desperate writers trying to get an egotistical storm to sign a contract, a storm who cant act....come on....she pissed off the writers of the other two films enough to get them to WALK...that isnt a good sign...although, the battle scene at the end is pretty sweet. it could have been amazing...it hurts to see what it was degraded to because of....oh i hate her!
ReplyDeleteTimmy - you're my new favorite person. Anyone that will indulge and or enable my unhealthy obsession with my dog is o.k. by me.
ReplyDelete