Ok. I'd like to apologize for that last post. The one that started out with swearing and proceeded to liberally scatter four, and sometimes five, letter words throughout. I'll tear back the veil of secrecy around the post for a moment and reveal that I was angry. Hard to believe I know, but trust me. Despite my cool exterior, my polite prose, and the calm way in which I expressed myself, I was somewhat dissatisfied with the overall situation.
So dissatisfied in fact, that I decided that I would go the route of 60 seconds of garbage, then an abrupt "Godblessamerica, thankyou." And walk off stage. However as I read what I had written, I couldn't stand saying it aloud. And I ended up thinking of all the people it would dissapoint. So I rewrote it, incorporating verbatim a few of their demands, but also enough tom foolery that I could stomach it. However I did make my feelings known in an email, after a pissy call from the "Useless Appendix" woman demanding she see my speech. I meant to say it to her, but she wouldn't answer her phone. Here's what I wrote.
And so I was ready to give the speech. I thought of listing the things that wouldn't be in this speech, but I was given a marvelous introduction by one of my former professors, and all the anger dissipated. By the time he finished all I could think was "Hunh, apparently I'm a hell of a guy."After much stress given the small amount of time I had to rewrite an entire speech, I've completed a new one. Its somewhat shorter, but I think it's more "we" centric. Oops. Let me rephrase. "We" think it's more "we" centric. Designed by committee.
Anyway I don't have anymore time to work on it. I need to relax. This is my graduation day. Oh no, I've just been my centric. Oh well. I guess I'm just human after all. If this speech is not to your liking I suggest you get someone else. I'll not be writing it again.
- Scott
So I went up and did the speech I'm posting in the comments. But I prefaced it with this:
"I'd like to thank Mr. Frye for that lovely introduction. And for not sharing as much as he could have." At this point I gestured to the woman providing a sign language translation of everything said on the microphone. "And the translator for being here. Because not only is it very considerate, but I get to see my words." I paused a second to let her almost finish with that sentence (although I was more or less guessing) and then continued "Those are my words."
"Watch her hands." Pause. "Awesome." Imitating her: "This means awesome." All the while she's giving me disgusted looks. But you can't expect me not to enjoy that kind of thing.
For Ro's sake I'll post the speech and my final comment on it in the comments section. How delightfully named it turns out to be.
- Scott
One note, some of this wasn't written down and was adlibbed as I did the speech. For instance the translator bit, the blue comb reference was another one I came up with as a comment but it became a central message. You'll know when I'm off the cards by... oh hell you'll just know. Ok, commence speechin':
ReplyDeleteAs speaker for my class, I would like you all to feel good about what you've learned at RMC; professionalism, real world skills, and team work; things that will give you the edge in the real world. As such I'm confident that you all can and will succeed and that it will be important, now more than ever that you give something back. Be it to the college, your communities, or the world at large. Because you can, and should. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe? No one? Alright...
As it turns out, the other half of the battle is politics. Good luck with that. There's no rule of thumb or axiom or handy catchphrase to help you deal with politics. But take heart because I know that, as a class, we're clever people. ...Good looking too. Especially some of you ladies sitting over there. You know who you are. I'll be at the Chesapeake Seafood House after the ceremony. I'm just throwing this out there, you don't like it you send it right back. But if you want to, you know, get to know me better… Last chance...
Anyway, in light of our being so clever, the best advice I can give you is to be flexible. We as a class must do our best to meet the challenges that await us. I know it's thought what when people listen to a graduation they want to hear something inspiring. Unfortunately, I don't have much in that department. Considering the word "crisis" is heard once or twice a day, the fact that if you have a job that can be easily described it's probably getting outsourced, and bickering on cable news is becoming the new national past time, it's obvious that we face some new and improved challenges. Now is the time to be flexible, resourceful. Use what you've learned here to bend, not break. Much like those little blue combs. The ones they give you on picture day for the year book. The combs may not know where they're going, but they know this; they won't break. They'll hold fast and true, they'll bend. But they won't shatter under pressure.
We are those little blue combs. Except that we're probably maroon combs because that our school colors. The future is uncertain. There's a horribly trite saying that ends up "today is a gift, that's why they call it the present." And while it is a good gift, you've received a better one; education. Use it. Go for the gold. Or if you're feeling a little lazy, go for the Bronze. At least you'll get something. Your future is ahead of you in the greatest country on earth. With the skills you've learned here go forth and meet it. Remember, you are the future. Good luck and God Bless America. Thank you.
As I've said it's a somewhat ridiculous speech. If I'd been serious about it I'm sure I would have lost them. Fortunately the somewhat serious bits were completely tounge in cheek, and the overtly ridiculous bits were fine all on their own.
ReplyDeleteAnd the "God Bless America" bit... Oh how I laughed as I said that. Who says "God Bless America?" But it was a day of things I usually don't say.
The best part, I think, was after I finished. And graduation was over, I was in the lobby waiting on my family to get out and meet me, when a large, solidly built CEO type guy came up to me and extended a hand.
In his eyes smouldered an intensity that made me nervous. He gripped my hand in a nearly overfirm handshake. And said, "I've been a blue comb for years." Dead serious. It was funny but also kind of surreal. I'm such a great orator (hear that ladies!) that he was moved even by my frivolity? Or perhaps the blue combs analogy is stronger than I realize.
Either way, let me know.
- Scott
Scott, I don't approve of any sort of censorship regarding my bloodline (whether I claim you or not). I just want that established so when I say, that although I liked your first speech, I almost like this one more. Why? I don't know. I think because this one was easier to visualize as an actual graduation speech as opposed to a funny blog posting. Whatever the case, I think this ranks up there with greatest speeches of all time. Seriously... Tim's Wedding Speech, Dr. Kings, and yours. I consider it the Trifecta of the speech community.
ReplyDeleteI agree-this speech was fantastic. I just went to my sister's graduation ceremony for grad school, and the whole time the horribly boring speaker was up there I was thinking, "Man I wish I could hear Scott's speech right now." Yes I am thinking of you outside of this blog. This is a whole new step in our relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs I've already stroked your ego re: your speech, here is something totally unrelated. And hilarious.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.avirginsplea.com/
i can't say i wasn't curious about what you would indeed come up with as a replacement speech, but to be honest, nice job dude...you are just entertaining no matter what. period space.
ReplyDeleteI agree, you could be reading the Sermon on the Mount and it would still be funny.
ReplyDelete...actually, it would be a little unnerving, seeing you speak about the virtues that humans should have, all with that awkward smile on your face making us wonder if you're being sincere or a sarcastic jackass. "Does he really let the meek inheirit the earth? I can't tell if he's joking."
Well done, good sir. I think you managed to find a nice balance. A tip o' the cap to you.
ReplyDeleteIt truly was a great speech and the highlight of the evening. You had the entire class and their families completely captivated. You forgot the best part: The extra introduction you slipped in "What up!". I immediately looked at Mary Weinhoff to see her jerk her head at you.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction by Mr. Frye was probably the next best speech, but everyone who followed you bored us. Especially that 15min speech from the well known and respected lady I never heard of through out my entire stay at RMC.
The only sad part is that I will probably never hear any of your great commentary again. Take care and good luck in Champaign.
Thanks everybody. I'm glad you dig it.
ReplyDeleteRob, you're right. Those will be known as the great speeches as the modern era. Except that "Dr. King" guy's speech really lacks the pizzazz of the other two, but I think they'll keep him in there because honestly, who else are they gonna go with?
Sarah, I'm glad we've acheieved this step in our relationship. I'm sorry to say I hadn't given your blog a decent reading in a while, but I'm happy to say it was hilarious when I did. But I feel for you and your poor graduation speaker.
Nessa, way to avoid redundancy. My guess? That guy was taking his friend way too seriously. Seems a little arbitrary to me. "If you can get 5 million hits, I'll sleep with you!" What the hell woman thinks like that?
Jake, yes because the meek are such bold people. They'd do great if the Earth was theirs. They would kind of rule for a whopping 10 minutes before turning it over the threatening-looking gorillas.
Timmy, thanks. I support men wearing fedoras for this reason.
Zac, highlight of the night? Really? Because I was thinking more along the lines of highlight of the week. I had no idea Weinhoff did that when I said "what up", but I do find it hilarious that she did.
Anyway I'm sure you'll hear some of my great commentary again. Perhaps on a DVD someday. And it's not like I'm going to sever all ties with you. I'm sure we'll cross paths again one day.
- Scott