The Eighth Deadly Sin

Unfortunately, the 8th Deadly Sin has no simple one-word definition. But, in as few words as possible, it could be defined this way: the despising of johnny-come-latelies.

Everybody does it. Did you read that book, or like that TV show, or see the original version of that movie before everybody went ape-shit over it? If the answer is yes, then you know what I'm talking about. If the answer is no, then how does it feel to be a follower? I'm guessing: really desperate.

I'll tell you what it's like: basically you want to shout at the masses, sitting there dumbly blathering to one another about this thing that you liked first. "I liked Andrew Bird two years ago when you were listening to Dave "Gateway Drug to Adult Contemporary" Matthews! Piss off! Go back to your Top 40, assholes!*"

And that brings me to the crux. I saw Andrew Bird this weekend in Champaign and he was amazing. But I was in a bit of a foul mood as a result of waking up at 4:30 AM that morning, and being surrounded by annoying sorority skanks who are here because WPGU played his new, radio-friendly album. Still, if you ever get to see an Andrew Bird concert, do it. The man is a mix of the body type of Jack Skeleton and the insanity and passion of a savant like Willy Wonka. He also plays every instrument on his albums, and writes some of the most beautiful music, overlaid with clever lyrics.

Anyway, my question is this: as much as we want to connect with people, what have you had ruined solely by other people liking it?

- Scott

* You can also read this as "Top 40 Assholes." It's equally valid.

Crush of the Week: Hall of Fame Edition

This week's¹ Crush of the Week: Jenna Fischer.

Why she's earned it: Jenna's has had a bit of a rough year. The first major snafu that happened was, she fell down a marble staircase and broke her back. And let's face it; that sucks. That sucks a lot. Fortunately she didn't lose any, you know, walking ability. But still. She broke her fucking back. She deserves her due props just for looking great despite spinal injury.

The next major shit-storm to hit Port Jenna was that she and her husband separated. And although you might think that would make me happy, it actually doesn't. Because she's a sweet, charming girl and the separation² has to be as painful as breaking her back. If not more so.

Bonus Materials: Jenna is a special kind of girl. She's beautiful in a way that vacillates between "girl-next-door-wholesome-hot" and "holy-shit-does-she-clean-up-well-no-holds-barred-gorgeous." It's hard to switch hit both of those. Meg Ryan has been trying to break into the latter category for years. And the result was In the Cut. Clearly it's a dangerous void to attempt crossing.

But what makes Jenna truly special is her ability to play tongue-in-cheek serious to the limits of the form. The moment I heard her say, dry as a Bounce Sheet, "it's an epidemic," I knew she was Crush of the Week material³.

And so, I deluge you with a shower of Jenna.

First enjoy her photo to the right. Possibly enjoy it for several months, or until I feel like changing it.

Second, give her appearance on Loveline a listen. It makes for a great distraction while you're driving. And even better; it's conclusive proof that she can actually have a conversation. Take that, legion of vapid, boring actresses. Score another for Jenna.

Finally, there is the below. I usually don't go for this kind of video. It's too emotional, too sad, and I generally don't like to focus on the breakup part of a relationship⁴. But she's in it, she's great, and it's grown on me. Just one more example of my seeing what might be dodgy (*ahem* Blades of Glory *ahem*) on the sole basis of her involvement.



So Jenna, I know you've had a rough year. But you know how I feel, and you're the Crush of the Week. Things are looking up.

The ball's in your court now.

- Scott

¹ And who am I kidding, probably this year's Crush of the Week as well, at the rate I remember to update this damn segment.
² I can't fully appreciate the sheer metric-crap-ton of hurt that must bring, but I can tell you that it hurts me to write about it. Literally. I hurt my hand earlier today and hitting CTRL+TAB to see the correct spelling of the word "separation" each time is killing me. I'm self-medicating with beer and Tylenol.
³ Despite not creating the segment for another two years.
⁴ Exception: Brooks & Dunn - Neon Moon. There is no funnier song to belt out when you're pathetically drunk.

Memory Dump

In the style of Creed Bratton, I'm going to post a memory dump of all the things I referenced today, and thought "I should really flesh that out into a blog post." But I'm tired, so you get random Hedburg-esque nuggets of potential post material. Enjoy.

Why is it that women's fashion seems to revolve around taking what old people wore 15 years ago and slutting it up? Cases in point:

big damn sunglasses = old people "over glasses sunglasses"

the "cowl necked top" = "whatever the fuck Rue McClanahan is wearing on the left of this photo"
gauchos = old woman culottes

big assed, gaudy hoop earrings = ...big assed, gaudyhoop earrings (this one is kind of obvious)

Why is it that every time they show a violent video game on the news it's being played at 2 frames per second? If you want to show us what's causing kids to shoot each other, have the decency to play it on a NEW computer. Shell out for something to replace your Amiga. Because it looks like a very dull slideshow on that piece of shit, newsroom PC.

Reader's Digest should come with spray-able samples of air fresheners the way fashion magazines come with perfume... because no one ever reads that rag except on the crapper anyway. Might as well give a nod to your audience: people taking dump."

If I start a band we'll play only ska covers of Mexican folk music. Our name will be El Chupa-SKA-bra.

You used to always see movies where at some point the ultimate evil would show up and manically shout "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!" Haven't heard this in a long time. Have we all learned our lesson? Time will tell. Also, sleepers will, especially if they wake up.

- Scott

The Triumphant Return

Oh, I've been meaning to mention: Josh R. is back in action.

You should all give the kid a read. His posts have inspired some of my better other-blog-commenting. For instance my explanation of just what exactly it was that Mr. Roboto was being thanked for.

And it comes with the Mis Blogos Favoritos seal of approval... so you know it's good.

Check him out. I command it!

Lazy Terrorists....

Americans are obviously lazy. We've established ourselves as the most lazy nation in the world per capita. If you don't believe me, just go buy a new car-stereo. I promise you it will come with a remote control, because God forbid you do a 1/4th of a sit-up as you reach for the volume.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm glad we're lazy. In fact, I believe it's our last line of defense against terrorists¹, and possibly our only line. Because how much faith do you have in the fine, young, drop-outs who work for the TSA securing our airports against hair gel, finger nail clippers, and mouthwash. They've started a Goddamn war on hygiene. But I digress...

No, what I put my faith in is the corrupting effect of the American lifestyle to prevent anyone getting up and saying "Hey, let's go frighten the infidels today."

I always hear about alleged terrorist cells in the States, out to do serious harm to our way of life. And presumably to terrorize us. But just what in the hell have they been doing for the last six years? I'll tell you what: eating at McDonald's, shopping at Wal-Mart, and seriously considering whether or not they can afford an H2.

The Shame Campaign: Al Qaeda, Ronald McDonald² is more terrifying than you; just ask a child. (And he likely kills more people.)

It's not that they don't want to hurt us; they do. It's just that it's so hard to find the time, and really, terrorism is such a hassle. Nobody can do the airplane thing again, because now it's passé... and to be fair nobody is really terrorized by it. Personally, in a hijacking situation, I think of myself as not unlike Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57. And that's exactly how I'd act. Because, what the hell, they're going to kill me anyway. I might as well get to live out my action movie fantasy³.

But if there really are terrorists in America, and people tell me that there are, then I think proof positive for my theory is the fact that not one car bomb has gone off in the U.S. since Tim "Honkey Infidel" McVeigh blew his truck up. Hence, there are no American Al Qaeda. Because really... that's the best tool in their arsenal. Look at Israel, do you want to take the bus there? Or go in a parking garage?

Parking garages are already fertile terroristic ground. I mean, combine loud noises with isolation, claustrophobia, and being trapped by foot thick concrete. Toss a few exploding Volkswagens in the mix and suddenly nobody goes to the mall. The economy crumbles (exception: online retail). And the terrorists bring America to its knees.

I'm sure it's been planned before. But they were going to do it on Tuesday and Abdulaziz just refuses to miss American Idol for anything. Then nobody could get their schedule to match up... and to be honest they use that mall as much as the infidels... I mean, it's got a Gap a Suncoast, and Orange Julius...

...and terrorism has been averted.

So score one for America land of the... stuff... or something. Listen, American Idol is coming on, I have to go...

¹ Another example of lazy: we've been saying "terror" attacks ever since about two days after 9/11. Jesus Christ people. It's just -ism. It's really not that much longer, and you sound less like a moron.
² Do a Google Image Search for "McDonalds" that's the sixth result.
³ This is why you see me rehearsing snappy one liners while waiting to board.