Americans are obviously lazy. We've established ourselves as the most lazy nation in the world per capita. If you don't believe me, just go buy a new car-stereo. I promise you it will come with a remote control, because God forbid you do a 1/4th of a sit-up as you reach for the volume.
Don't get me wrong, though. I'm glad we're lazy. In fact, I believe it's our last line of defense against terrorists1, and possibly our only line. Because how much faith do you have in the fine, young, drop-outs who work for the TSA securing our airports against hair gel, finger nail clippers, and mouthwash. They've started a Goddamn war on hygiene. But I digress...
No, what I put my faith in is the corrupting effect of the American lifestyle to prevent anyone getting up and saying "Hey, let's go frighten the infidels today."
I always hear about alleged terrorist cells in the States, out to do serious harm to our way of life. And presumably to terrorize us. But just what in the hell have they been doing for the last six years? I'll tell you what: eating at McDonald's, shopping at Wal-Mart, and seriously considering whether or not they can afford an H2.
The Shame Campaign: Al Qaeda, Ronald McDonald2 is more terrifying than you; just ask a child. (And he likely kills more people.)
It's not that they don't want to hurt us; they do. It's just that it's so hard to find the time, and really, terrorism is such a hassle. Nobody can do the airplane thing again, because now it's passé... and to be fair nobody is really terrorized by it. Personally, in a hijacking situation, I think of myself as not unlike Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57. And that's exactly how I'd act. Because, what the hell, they're going to kill me anyway. I might as well get to live out my action movie fantasy3.
But if there really are terrorists in America, and people tell me that there are, then I think proof positive for my theory is the fact that not one car bomb has gone off in the U.S. since Tim "Honkey Infidel" McVeigh blew his truck up. Hence, there are no American Al Qaeda. Because really... that's the best tool in their arsenal. Look at Israel, do you want to take the bus there? Or go in a parking garage?
Parking garages are already fertile terroristic ground. I mean, combine loud noises with isolation, claustrophobia, and being trapped by foot thick concrete. Toss a few exploding Volkswagens in the mix and suddenly nobody goes to the mall. The economy crumbles (exception: online retail). And the terrorists bring America to its knees.
I'm sure it's been planned before. But they were going to do it on Tuesday and Abdulaziz just refuses to miss American Idol for anything. Then nobody could get their schedule to match up... and to be honest they use that mall as much as the infidels... I mean, it's got a Gap a Suncoast, and Orange Julius...
...and terrorism has been averted.
So score one for America land of the... stuff... or something. Listen, American Idol is coming on, I have to go...
1 Another example of lazy: we've been saying "terror" attacks ever since about two days after 9/11. Jesus Christ people. It's just -ism. It's really not that much longer, and you sound less like a moron.
2 Do a Google Image Search for "McDonalds" that's the sixth result.
3 This is why you see me rehearsing snappy one liners while waiting to board.
Don't know if you ever saw this Scott, but the guy who wrote Freakanomics recieved some flak for it: WWTD. Does that work? What Would Terrorists Do? I say it does. He should have used that. I'm going to copyright it.
ReplyDeleteNo, I never read that article but it's a nice companion post to mine. I always thought that the plane attack was a little movie-plot elaborate. There's far simpler, and more cost effective, methods of terrorism.
ReplyDeleteHell, just get The Nanny back on TV. That would depress a lot of people.
Speaking of lazy, change your crush of the month already.
ReplyDeleteHey, at least I'm not blowing shit up!
ReplyDelete