I saw Spider-Man 3 this weekend with my good friend, and first Thane of Candyland, Jake. I could review it, but you'll see it anyway. Instead I'll make fun of the movie point by ridiculous point, using that tried and true blogging standard: unordered lists.
Without further skippable text all the things Spider-Man 3 loses points for.
- Hot, female, well groomed scientists. As someone with a background in the sciences, I can tell you that these do not exist. Most of the women (especially in computer science) could pass for truckers, not models. So stop it with that crap.
- Snaggletooth'd Mary Jane Watson. Kirsten Dunst. Enough said.
- The "I have amnesia" plotline. Seriously. If one more asshole writer uses convenient memory loss as a way to advance the story, I'm going to rampage through Hollywood shooting at these people with bullets fashioned crudely from their scripts. It may not kill, but it will certainly maim.
- The Mask-style dance scene in the Jazz club with Gwen Stacey filling in for Cameron Diaz. What, were we feeling nostalgic for 1994? And if Spidey's with MJ, shouldn't that mean that Gwen is dead?
- The asymmetrical-haired-eyeliner-wearing-emo-kid "Dark Peter Parker." Why, God why was I forced to watch this?
- That dance scene again. Jesus, he played jazz piano and said "this one's for you" in a faux-breathy jazz voice. I'm squirming in discomfort as I relive it.
- Harry Osbourne as the new Green Goblin. He's not so much the new Green Goblin as the new Marty McFly on a brand new Mattel Hoverboard. I would go so far as to call him, not the Silver Surver, as the Black-clad Snowboarder.
- And finally: everything the Sandman does. Especially that corny as Hee-Haw scene where he explains that "he didn't mean no harm" by all the stealing and the killing. He has a sick daughter after all, this was his only route.
- Bruce Campbell as the maître d'.
In other news: I've been thinking a lot and I've come up with a new segment for the Wonder Blog that I think you'll all find quite hilarious. The two people I've described it to laughed aloud with mirth and merriment, just hearing the outline of the idea. So, I think it's a keeper. I'm working on it now, and hope to have something to show for it by the end of the week.
in the dark where do shadows go?
dammit. I *did* want to go see it. Now, not so much.
ReplyDeleteSorry JV, just tellin' it like it is. I even left out a point:
ReplyDeleteSHAKY CAM! Damn you Hollywood, some action choreographer spent weeks laying out this fight scene, and I can't even see it because some dick director thinks an unsteady camera somehow pulls me deeper into the action. IT. DOES. NOT. It makes me physically uncomfortable, it makes me rub my eyes for relief, but it does not make it any more exciting to watch.
If you'd like to read the exact opposite review check this one out.
But even in the good reviews the advice is generally "don't think about it, just react to the pleasing colors."
- Scott
P.S. Oh, also, the CGI looked pretty cheap in places.
Here is your comment: I can't comment much on this film yet as I have not seem in, but I wanted to comment on your first two bulletpoints.
ReplyDeleteYour point about the female scientists made me laugh because it is the problem I have with shows like the CSIs, Without a Trace, etc. All of these cute guys and beautiful women in some lab. I'm sorry, they wouldn't be putting on makeup and fixing their hair for their microscope....
Your second point has made you one of my favorite people...well, today anyway. Kirsten Dunst should NEVER have been cast as MJ. It has been the casting thorn in my side when it comes to these films and for someone else to acknowledge her as a negative and not a positive when it comes to these movies makes me VERY happy.
Jfi, you are by no means alone. At the risk of being a blogwhore, I direct you to:
ReplyDeletehttp://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/03/mcsweeneys-rejected-submissions-1.html
Kirsten Dunst is over rated. And she's a whore. And I'm basing that whore comment on nothing more than I like the word whore.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen this movie yet, but I will.