In one of my slowest idea-to-action ratios. Three Christmases ago I thought: "My god, wouldn't it be marvelous if I actually told people what I wanted for Christmas, instead of relying on their (often substandard) observational skills?" For example, I had to work for 20 minutes to convince my mom that the lead female villain in Live Free or Die Hard was Asian. So to stem the flow of poor detective work (or at least put a bandage on a bleeding artery), I offer this list of things you can get me this holiday season, ranked by how much you love me.
You Tolerate Me:
- Titanium Spork: because after all, I don't do dishes that often.
- The Annoy-o-tron: if you buy it for me, I promise not to use it on you.
- The Subtle (LED, Pocket) Knife: because it's dark in the underworld.
- In Case of DARPA Challenge Car Will Be Unmanned: Ha! Take that rapture-er...ians?
- The Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver: "A sonic... screwdriver?" you ask. To which I reply, "What, never had a long night? Never needed to put up a couple of cabinets?"
- Vintage Style Bluetooth Phone Handset: I can't tell you how much I want to walk around in public talking on this thing.
- Stealth Switch: You may remember the Stealth Switch from this post. Yeah, well I still want one. And with this, you give the gift of not getting fired for blogging at work.
- The only doormat I've ever wanted: And if you get this joke, I'll forgive most other offenses.
(too Sally Field?)
- This Watch: To replace one that was similar, that has vanished from the material sphere.
- A helmet cam: Tell me you aren't curious to see what would come of me owning this.
- Dr Who Series 2 and Series 3: As another dashing hero on perpetual vacation, I often like to look in on others. Anyone who buys me this set is officially granted my favor.
- Absinthe: Here's the deal. It's legal to have, and legal to buy. But it's illegal to sell it in the US. So, ordering from overseas is fine, but if you bought it at the local Quick-E-Mart they'd be in trouble. I promise to share with anyone who buys it for me. What a nice guy I am!
- This Hard Drive: I'm building a new computer and this is a big part of it. Half a Terabyte on one platter? Insane. And so cheap! Also, if you're an elderly, religious relative and you want to buy this for me: know that you're doing the Lord's work. Because if you got it for me I'd feel weird about filling it with porn. Win/win.
- Another of the Same Hard Drive: Come on, I'm so close. With two I'd have a full terabyte. Besides, I'll need a different one to put the porn on.
Feel free to mention which things are already bought and to remark on how much you all love me in the comments.
P.S. I'm also quite partial to this tie.
At the Iowa Straw Poll, there was a Ron Paul staffer walking around with a helmet cam. The boyfriend (who was covering the event) and I stopped to chat him up and he was just walking around, streaming video live to the Internet so that Ron Paul supporters who couldn't actually be there could still see what he saw. It was an interesting concept, but only later did I think to ask what he did when he went to the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteH, great to have you back. By the way, I recently learned that you're a Canadian. Bonus points for that. I love you crazy Canucks. As far as the helmet cam, Ron Paul supports are so used to being dumped on by the media that watching a guy take a leak would be a nice change of pace.
ReplyDeleteCanadian? Nooo, not me. You may haev me confused with two of my three guest posters from Thanksgiving week. I am 100% American - native Iowan, current Minnesotan. Although, Minnesota might as well be Canadian, eh?
ReplyDeleteGuest posters? How dare you! Very confusing for someone skimming entries. In any case, I won't deduct bonus points because, as you argued, Minnesota is close enough.
ReplyDeleteIf that welcome mat wasn't 40 bucks, I'd own it by now. That tie is definitely going on my list.
ReplyDeleteMy sister has a helmet came, and one day she wore it to school. A lot of people laughed at her...
ReplyDeleteAnd I like your writing. I find it highly amusing.