Simple Pleasures

Good news. I'm back to posting. That's something you can all be thankful for, even now with your kitchens festering with the remains of last Thursday's meal. I took a much needed vacation from everything that wasn't absolutely essential and as it turns out that means the Wonder Blog from time to time. But don't think I came back without new post material. I was thinking of you the whole time. (Incidentally, that last line makes it sound like I was cheating on my blog with a pen and notepad. And now I'm trying to smooth things over.) Anyway on to the post proper:

/start post

Just this weekend I had some automotive fun*. Unfortunately it came at the cost of a massive interstate accident, but there's always a silver lining to every cloud; you can't blame yourself when you're so completely surrounded by the lining that the cloud doesn't affect you. Coming back from my second viewing of Bond we were stuck in the thick of interstate traffic. The bridge to Illinois just ahead and a promising looking road to our right, we decided to shoot the moon and get out of the gridlock.

So did 15 other cars. We were a mighty caravan, carving a swath of light through the dark countryside. However, mighty though we were, apparently there wasn't one GPS navigation system among us. Otherwise we might have forseen what became inevitable.

Following the caravan, we were perhaps the 8th or 9th car from the front, with several behind. The roads kept getting worse and worse. And eventually we were on a one lane dirt path between cornfields, but everyone behind the first driver (who I suspect was laughing madly) was so sure that our Magellan of the Highway could get us where we were going that nobody turned back.

...Until the one lane road came to an abrupt end in a marsh. Then pictures like the below:

The Panic: "Why are we stopping?"

The Abort: "How the hell are we going to turn around?"

The Do-It-To-Them-Before-They-Do-It-To-Us: "Use the shoulder, before they get here!"

And then we drove several miles back across the country side to find a different (workable) route. It remained hilarious.

- Scott

* This reminds me of my other favorite anti-social car behavior which you can read about below.

Simple Pleasures Continued

You know, it really is the simple things that amuse me the most. Sure, I could go to the movies. But what I like even better is driving around the parking lot and waiting. Waiting for my moment. For that golden opportunity when one of the primo spots opens up near the front of a line, right next to the theater entrance. I then take that spot. But our story, dear readers, does not end here.

Instead, I orchestrate a masterful deception. Everyone in the car gets out and walks to the theater and back. On the way back, we appear as a group just heading to the car. I make a big show of taking out my keys. When I see a car hovering like a jackyl at a carcass I know it's time.

Everyone gets in the car. We buckle up. I put the car in reverse and back out. I get so far out of the spot that I force the car who's waiting to backup too. At this point I'm completely out of the spot, facing down the lane, ready to drive off into the night. ...But I don't drive off. I pull back in. And the schmuck who thought he was going to get a spot? Infuriated.

And then I laugh and laugh. Rinse and repeat as desired. The above post reminded me of it. You should all give it a shot sometime if you're ever (somehow) early for a movie when the lot is packed.

- Scott

The Wonder Blog

Well it's official. We've taken that step together. A serious commitment that, if properly maintained, will last a lifetime and provide enduring gratification. I think you can guess where this is heading. There's really only one conclusion that makes sense.

That's right. I've registered a domain.

thewonderblog.com

I can rest easy in the knowledge that I will never be forced to say aloud "g-money-dope-fly" again.

- Scott

P.S. Tell your friends.

Top (five) of the Pops

Wow, if I knew those ridiculous camera phone pictures I took a month ago were going to stir such good discussion I would have hopped off my lazy ass and posted them sooner. But timing is everything and I guess that was their time. Who knows. Anyway, things have calmed down a spell here in wacky (read: rigid) journalism land. What does that mean for you? Postage of course. Not the 39¢ kind. The priceless kind.

Top Five:

1.) The greatest thing ever. This relates directly to number three on my bottom five. It is, in fact, what I believe Rumsfeld was attempting to do. Unfortunately we missed exactly what happened to the hippy. But it was such a stealthy blow I have no doubt that he was bleeding internally, and completely unconsious of it.

2.) Franklin, you old hound. America The Book on founding fathers and why they'd be unelectable today: Franklin. "He loved the ladies. Loved 'em. Old, young, fat, thin, whatever. Couldn't get enough. Just loved 'em." In addition, I choose to believe this is why he had to do so damned much in his little planner. You try to juggle women. You need time management.

3.) V for Congressman. I won't say I knew it would happen. But I will say I hoped it would happen. I just wish I could be there today when it all goes down. (Also that I had the costume.)

4.) 30 minutes or it's late because we were discussing the "big questions and stuff..." An aside about weed for a second children, shall we? I have to say, I'm dissapointed. Pot smokers have grown increasingly lazy. And I don't mean as a result of the drug. I mean as a group. I don't want to get into an "In my day..." type thing. Because it's clearly far too early for that. But I will say that having it delivered to your home is nothing like what people in my generation had to go through. A personal example of mine you can read here. Also, nobody knows how to roll anything anymore except Europeans, and they're doing it to smoke their own cigarettes (which is about as cool as whittling.)

5.) Election Wrap-up Vid. I thought about not posting this. I don't need to gloat. I don't want to be that guy. However, most of it I hadn't seen, and because I think the kids of today need to know how to roll a blunt, and who better to show them than Donald Rumsfeld.

Bottom Five:

1.) I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords. Hopefully I'll be given a cushy position within the new robo-administration. Like Baltar got. Except I'd request two #6's three #8's and no Xena Warrior Princesses.

2.) Wal-Mart: Nothing gets by them. An accidental slip, sure. But was the slip not noticing the Nazi implication, or was it that too many of us heard about it. Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

3.) Rummy subtly responding to (what can only be) a grad student. He's clearly been trained in the art of the Kung Fu - Fuck You.

4.) More terrifying reasons for a low approval rate. The more I think about it, the more I'm glad that there are people storming the capital in V costumes right now.

5.) Another "hell-in-a-handbasket" story. Because they're plentiful and the more we hear about it the more we hate it. Does that help? Who knows. But it definitely belongs on the Bottom Five.

- Scott

The world today seems absolutely crackers...

Random thought of the day: Kama Sutra Cookie Cutters. The tag-line practically writes itself. "The best fucking cookies you've ever had..."

Random real-life product of the day: The 9/11 Commission Report. Why is it interesting? Because someone decided it needed a little pizzaz. That there was a better way to tell the story. That words are just too abstract. This person made the report into a comic book. The result is shown below.

They wisely edited out the Blam! next to the building.


Strangely, I'm reminded of those picto-bibles from childhood more than anything.

Also is that Saddam in the last panel? Are they implying that he gave Al-Queada weapons of mass destruction himself? That he literally handed them over? Are they going to have to retcon this section now that we know the Saddam story-arc turned out differently? Who can say? Am I ending this post playing the question game?

- Scott?

"Think the drink through."

Dragging my feet on the election story I'm covering, which is due by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, I'm looking for any excuse to do something else. I had a beer. Made myself a sandwich (from my delicious deli fixin's I pick up weekly). Had a beer with my sandwich. Then enjoyed another beer.

Then I wanted dessert. I went to the Bailey's Irish Cream to pour myself a nightcap and stopped. "Oh God, I'll be too drunk to write."

...and then I laughed and laughed. Because we all know that as a whole, writers are a sober, clean and virtuous folk.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to fill this mug again.

- Scott

Just a minute ladies, I'm questing.

And I thought I had privacy problems in Springfield... Today I was just minding my own business, sitting at my computer, clad only in boxers and one ripped sock. I was dressed like this because I was... you know what, it's not even worth explaining, suffice it to say my front door is dangerous and I was hot because I broke the handle off my radiator and was too lazy to find a wrench.

So sitting there in relative undress, wearing headphones I hear a beating sound. It mostly sounds like the wind, so I ignore it. There is also a demolition going on next door, so these kinds of sounds are fairly normal. But they were coming in bursts of three and starting to get fairly annoying. Had I not been playing a game and talking to people over Ventrillo (audio chat) I might have walked over to the window and told them my opinion on their intelligence, hygiene, and questioned the chastity of their mothers. As it was, I sat there in my red and white skull boxers and one sock.

All of a sudden a voice that was far too clear to be muffled by doors, windows or walls called out far too loudly, far to close to me, "Barr real-estate." As the three women rounded the corner, I pulled off my headphones and looked over at them. As they were reeling from the shockwaves of lust that were no-doubt washing over them I gave them the very non-chalant upward head nod, and said something charming. I believe it was "Just a second, I have to kill this orc."

I proceeded to kill the orc in what, I'm sure, they considered a very diciplined layering of flexible ad-hoc strategy. They proceeded to pine for me. I think they also toured my apartment, I couldn't be sure as I was running back to Lakeshire to try to escape some damned Kobolds that had aggro'd me.

I answered a few questions the girls asked about living here (allegedly they were on a leasing tour) and they lingered for perhaps five minutes before they reluctantly left, dragging their feet all the way.

I'm pretty sure the realty lady winked at me on the way out. And they say you'll never get laid playing World of Warcraft... pfft.

- Scott