Ever been in a pissing contest*? I, through no fault of my own, sometimes find myself in them. Most recently I seem to have entered into a game of passive agressive torts with one of my teachers. This unfortunate woman has exactly no sense of humor. Word play? She hates it. And, my god, should you think of bending any rule of political correctness you'll find yourself face face with royalty in the form of an Ice Queen faster than you can say "those damn, filthy Eskimos."
Icy, we'll call her Icy, is the kind of writer (and human being) that is dry, exacting and devoid of all color. Both in the melanin and metaphorical senses of the word. As such I believe it is my duty to occasionally turn in something a little different. And by "occasionally," I mean in every article I have to write. And by "a little different" I mean I plan to teach her a lesson through the art of the horrible pun.
Here are three examples and her reactions.
Example 1:
- Headline for story about Heterosexual Society: A Gay Old Time.
- Reaction: Gave me a D, wrote that "offensive wisecracks are better kept to yourself."Challenge accepted.
- She went on and on about how we should mention that the City Council came from a soup kitchen just before the meeting. So... I did.
- An apron clad Champaign City Council met Tuesday night, fresh from serving at TIMES Center soup kitchen. At the meeting however, it was debate rather than soup, that was stirred. The deliberations centered on how to set the tax levy in a prosperous year like 2006: do they add some beef to the stew to fatten up as much as possible for potential “lean years” or do they "water down the broth" and give the tax payers a break?
- Reaction: She unexpectedly circled the paragraph and wrote "good."
Example 3:
- Today was the midterm exam. I took most of it at the computer where I typed up a few answers. One of the questions asked me to rewrite the lead of a story about American Indians. ...So I did.
- Tuesday night, five American Indian journalists had a powwow of sorts with university professors to discuss the role of American Indians in the news media and combat unfair stereotypes.
- Reaction: I'm thinking a lynch mob, but I just turned it in five hours ago, so I don't know.
*Inexplicably my girlfriend has never heard the term "Getting into a pissing contest with him." It's pretty common isn't it?
1. Yes, your girlfriend needs to get out more.
ReplyDelete2. I had an accounting teacher like that. In accounting, it's to be expected I suppose.
3. Too bad you couldn't have worked in Drew Cary's bit about all the american indian protests surrounding the use of indian names and mascots for college and professional sports teams. He said, "Hey, if you don't like it, you should've fought harder."
When I got to "A Gay Old Time" I was drinking pop, and it almost came out all over my monitor. Please keep torturing this teacher and writing about it because it is great.
ReplyDeleteAlso yes it's weird your girlfriend has never heard that expression before. I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to hear that for the very first time. She probably thought you were a freak. Awesome.
I'm just fascinated to read more about the Heterosexual Society.
ReplyDeleteAnd you wrote "a powwow OF SORTS," so I think you should be okay.
Johnny V, yeah the Drew Carey bit would have been nice. But I've never actually heard it.
ReplyDeleteSarah, thanks. But I have to inform you, that was soda you nearly spit all over your screen. Soda.
Timmy, the Heterosexual Society was a group that was formed in response to the types of Gay Pride groups that you see on college campuses. The issue was that they claimed their rights were violated whent hey could not become an official group as a result of refusing membership to gays.
In addition, their whacked-out spokesgirl was paranoid that she had a few gays in the group (of rougly ten) that were there as plants from the other organizations on campus. The headline I gave was appropriate, and it made me laugh.
As far as "OF SORTS" goes, you and I both know that I could be blatently offensive. What I was going for is the kind where it's plausible that I did it on accident so I can shrug my shoulders and say "Oh, gosh. I think you're right, that might be misinterpreted." Because really, that's way more fun.
- Scott
Ooh! Scotty, you LOVE A & F gift cards!
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