I'm 20, and I feel grrrreat

I've got some people that are younger than me at my college, and I'm enjoying the hell out of being older than them. I'm finally twenty. That sounds so mature. Which makes it even more ironic and enjoyable to be completely immature. Although words can't express how nice it is to be able to say that I'm not -----teen. That teen on the end, it just bothered me/made me think of 1950's teenagers, and I'm not quite sure why. "I'm a teen, I sip milkshakes with my main gal and go to sock-hops on the weekend."

Fortunately, I no longer have to put up with this indignity. Now I'm 20. Despite my age I feel great. (Give that one a chance, it's how I picture the office environment.) This year was a pretty good birthday. The folks and I went out to The Old Spaghetti Factory and after a one way street fiasco in which some ass almost needed prompt kicking we were there and comfortably seated...well almost. You see in a large room like the one we were seated in at the OSF, you need to regulate the temperature and usually it needs to cool off. And that's where our problem comes in, they had the air conditioner on 55 degrees and we got seated under it.

Or I should say I did. So I did what any mature, 20 year old adult would do; took a key from my keychain, broke through the protective case and set the thermostat to 70. We left just as it was getting warm. So it was a good birthday.

Another breakthrough for me was getting over my lightning fast pleasantry response of "You too". Because it really led me down some rediculous avenues of social discourse. Here's an example:

• Random Birthday Wisher: "Happy Birthday"

• Me: "Thanks, you too" (Internal Monologue: Shit, that doesn't work here...Quick! Make up a lie)
  
• Me: "Oh sorry, me and a guy at school have the same birthday...I'm just used to saying that...because..."
• Me: *Wave hand* You did not hear me say "you too" you heard the response you were hoping for"

So it's good I got over that. Too much Jedi mind trick isn't good for anyone.

- Scott

Perhaps my last teen-aged post

It is with a great sense of reflection and accomplishment that I write this final post from my teenaged decade. That's right, this Saturday, January the 29th I turn 20. Look out adulthood, you've got a loose cannon on your hands, which I have to imagine would be pretty painful because cannons are notoriously heavy.

I've been living up my last week of teenagedness, reflecting back on all the crap that's happened over the last few years and trying to figure out what I should write for this signoff from my adolescent years. I thought of a list of things I've learned (which turned out to be pretty short), a photo blog essay, funny quotes from the years...but nothings seemed quite right. Then I was looking over past essay's that I've written over the years and one stood out. It defined my work in High School and I think you'll enjoy it with a little set up.

The following essay was assigned to me by Mrs. (devil bitch) Morgan for making fun of a gay character in the novel Fallen Angels by saying: "He really should have joined the Navy. You know what they say about submarines...80 men go down, 40 couples come up." She responded with an icy 5 minutes of silence as the laughter died out and a 1000 word essay due the next day. It might help to note I wrote this with the voice of Mo Rocca narrating in my head. So without further ado here is my teenaged rebuttle:

" What I said about the Navy Submarine Men was totally uncalled for and somewhat random. I had no basis for saying that completely uncalled for thing. What I said was the completely off topic. The thing I said was disruptive to the class.

I had no basis to make that comment. I have no hard proof that Submarine Navy Men are gay or homosexual. I cannot prove that. There is very little hard evidence to suggest to one that just because men are on a submarine for months at a time without any women that that means they are gay or will become gay. That situation presents itself in prison and they are not all gay in prison. Just because there is an ambiguously gay or presumed gay character due to his effeminate characteristics is no reason to suggest he join the Navy because they are also presumed gay as afore mentioned. In keeping with that there is little evidence that the character from the story was, in fact, gay. There is no existing evidence in favor of his being homosexual or gay, in that I mean he was never seen with men in a sexual or flirtatious manner. He never openly or otherwise admitted to being homosexual. He may have been just a bit different and was henceforth persecuted for that difference. Just because he had no girlfriend and seemed more interested in movies than the movie starlets that he knew. Or fact that he had to try to survive in a hostile foreign country. One might question as to whether that is enough substantial evidence to come to the conclusion that he is homosexual. No I think not. Even with this Grand Canyon size hole, which is unignoreable by all who are so informed as to notice it, in the opinion of the fictitious soldiers still they believe that through all the talk of movies and starlets that he is most likely a person of homosexual orientation.

I had no reason to make the off topic comment about Submarine Navy Men. Saying that was wrong. Saying such a thing can only be bad. The comment is not even completely true. The comment was totally off topic for the discussion. What I said had nothing to do with Nam. The comment was more about the Navy, and more specifically the submarine part of the Navy, than the book we are reading, which is about the Army not the Navy. The comment was so very not on topic that one could say that it was very off topic. One could imagine how very not on topic the off topic thing that was said was. A statement like that was off topic in such a way as to make it so that it is not on topic. This of course means that it is unrelated or not related to the conversation if that makes the meaning more clearly iterated.

The thing I said was disruptive to the class and class environment. The comment was so disruptive that almost two minutes of time passed out of the forty seven allotted to that class. That amount of time could have accomplished a lot given the proper usage. There have been wars set off in less than two minutes. Many sporting competitions have been won or lost in less than two minutes. The death penalty by electric chair, which is considered one of the fasted methods of execution of prisoners in prisons today, is lethal in less than two minutes as is a bite from a Black Mamba, which is the deadliest poisonous snake in the wild continent of Africa discovered thus far. What the point is, is that two minutes are a lot in the course of events. The time taken out of the discussion could have been put to use doing something productive. The whole idea of wasting time in a class of only forty seven minutes is very wasteful. One must ask do people come to school to be entertained or to learn or is it a bit of both in a tasteful blend combining rich flavor and nutty goodness. In retrospect the comment that was so disruptive as to waste the time of the class that could have been used for something else.

In closing the comment that had no basis and wasted the time of the people in the class was bad. By this I mean really bad like the bombing of Hiroshima or the creation of the lethal chemical Anthrax. In short what was said had little basis. The afore mentioned said things were off the established topic. This meant that it brought up a new topic other than the one before it that was but not limited to being unrelated to the original topic. The rogue topic was also disruptive. By being disruptive it is meant that it brought disorder and chaos to an otherwise at least quasi-orderly environment. Bringing disorder and chaos is very related to the disruptive statement in that it was not in general considered good or bad if summarization is helpful. In short the comment was off topic. A topic that was about the book the new rogue topic, if one may be so bold, was totally away from the subject of the book which was Vietnam not Submarine Men. Saying the comment also caused disorder, which leads to anarchy, which is generally considered negative. The comment also was not associated with basis. In that what is meant is that the comment was not completely accurate. That in itself can be bad. The comment was indeed not on topic or with basis. The comment was disruptive and bad. In closing the comment was not good or, to put it more simply so as to make it more understandable, and put it the way it is more often said in this great country of free speech, where the buffalo roam and the sky is not cloudy all day, where you are free to voice opinions based on what you believe, bad."

Admittedly I've become a much more proficient writer, but this makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. Even more so when I think about the fact that this was supposed to be my sincere apology to my teacher for a politically incorrect joke. Ah, the days of my youth!

- Scott

Hello, My Name is Your Blog

When's the last time you found a band that really spoke to you? I've always had friends with a big range of musical tastes, but always had one bad that they seem to associate with. Like Nick back in high school with Red Hot Chilli Peppers, or Tim and his Five Iron Frenzy love, or Jake and his Goldfinger, or Rob and his Zebrahead. You know the band that I mean, the band that is your band, despite your not being in it.

I think for me that band is Ludo. If I had a band (well, if I still had a band. One that didn't do covers, no offense to Walkie Walkie and the Kamehameha's, I mean we were hilarious, but not all that musically creative) this is the kind of music I'd make. With songs about ninjas, wookies, that fantasy where you have to rescue the girl from the pirates then she loves you, a really hilarious break up song, and generally great, random references you can't go wrong. You can listen to their whole album if you go to their website and click on the Listen tab at the top. I reccomend 'Hum Along' 'Hello my Name is Your TV' 'Good Will Hunting By Myself' and 'Laundry Girl'.

Scott Out

One last note, they have a blog here. Bonus points for that.

Yes, yes you will.

I have an issue with those damn anti-marijuana commercials. It's indirectly related to my rant about wars on abstract concepts. The ones I mean are the "Regret, my anti-drug" series of annoyances. Specifically the couple of them that end with the statement "You'll never forget the people you hurt when you were high."

To this I reply: "Bull shittery" How many people even remember what they did when they were high? So who's going to remember who they hurt when they were high? I can't even remember how I hurt myself when I'm drunk. Here's a fun example, I woke up the day after I got put in the Roodhouse jail at my house and didn't remember how I got home. Then when that came back I had to seriously ask myself why my hand hurt so bad. After talking to some people I found out that I was punching a giant wash pot at Steve's cabin and telling people they just lost on the Gong Show. I also apparently called Mary Karen Desherlia a bitch.

In short, no you don't remember the people you hurt (self included) when you're drunk (or high).

-Scott

What a friggin mess....

You know, people have called me animated. I thought they meant I'm a bit expressive and bouncy. Like Robbin Williams, on Ritalin. Because nobody is that bouncy. But it turns out they meant that my life is more or less a cartoon. One of those cartoons where a long string of unlikely events conspire to somehow screw over the main character. Confused? Well let me explain...

--------------------FIVE MINUTES AGO--------------------

So I'm in my kitchen, hanging out. Seriously, who hangs out in a kitchen? Seinfield did sometimes, but technically that was an extension of his living room. Anyway, a more accurate explanation of my actions was that I was staring blank faced into my refridgerator looking for food, closing the door, then looking again. As if food would magically appear that hadn't been there before.

So as I'm standing there I realize that I haven't done the dishes since...uh oh I can't remember when. Crap. Naturally it took me about 2 and a half hours to do. And created a lot of trash. Anything that was disposable I just threw out. The kicker is this, the last three things I threw away were (in order): a Propel bottle, a plastic knife, some mail, and the batter from when I cooked fish.

Seeing how full the trash was I pulled out the can to take it out when I noticed an orange behind it. I decided it would be fun to try to smash down the trash by throwing the orange into the can really hard. What I didn't realize is that the knife, bottle, paper, and crumbly batter crap had combined to become a catapult. As soon as the orange hit the knife resting across the bottle (which was hidden by the paper) the batter went everywhere. I looked like Caroline Holmes, THAT white. The rest of my kitchen looked like a deleted scene from Scarface.

Now I get to clean it up.

- Scott

Le Grand Deception

Ok. Here's the thing, I worked myself into quite a jam and I could really use the advice of my dearest friends. The first issue is a paper about a psycology experiment. I was supposed to pick a person and try to condition their behavior to have some conditioned response. Like Pavlov's dog, he simultaneously rang a bell and fed the dog, so eventually the dog would associate the ringing of the bell with food. And when he heard the bell he'd drool.

That's what I was supposed to do. Instead I played excessive amounts of video games and made smart alec comments to people, both present and on the internet. Now I have an interesting opportunity that people are talking about... Because I didn't really do the research/work I can just make it all up. You see how I spun that into an advantage? I should really work for the White House, just not this one because I friggin hate it.

So here's where you come in I need advice in three areas:

1. What behavior should I aim to change?
2. Who should I claim I did it to?
3. Are there any unexpected side effects?

I have some ideas, but I am taking suggestions. The more rediculous and hilarious the better because she isn't going to check on these. Be creative people. I know you can. Let the shennanigans begin.

Yick, coughing sound, vomit

The more I watch the news the more I'm totally convinced that it's only trying to gross me out. For instance, today I saw a story about the new oldest woman to give birth. She was 66 years old, and lives in Romania. She delivered the baby by caesarean section, and was artificially inseminated.

And that's when the jokes started:

• "Yeah she delivered by C-Section and the afterbirth was dust."
  
• "I'm sorry but she had a face like an old catcher's mitt. It wasn't like she was artifically inseminated because it was safer, it was pretty much her only option."
• "No kidding, I remember the last story about her"
• "What was that"
• "The time she walked by the sex shop and all the dildo's shrivled up"

I'm sorry, but that's just hilarious. Congratulations for bringing another person into a third world nation. Because there's a real shortage, I'm sure doctors will spread the word "Good news, we can knock up the hags and repopulate these industrious, profiting nations" "Huzzah!" "Next order of buissness: raising the 'middle aged' status to 15 years old."

Beware the Supervillian

I think all the people here in my blog paradise have seen movies with Supervillians in them. From Bond, to Superman, to Howard the Duck, all of our heroes have had to deal with some kind of terrifying superbadass. For Bond it was Dr. No, for Superman it was Lex Luthor, for Howard the Duck it was wondering why a movie staring him got made. In any case all these supervillians had one thing in common, they were evil, they had the potential to reap mass destruction, and they were scary.

What's interesting is that we actually have some supervillians kicking around the planet today, in real life. Dick Cheney for one, ok so maybe he isn't exactly supervillian material. They're very selective. But definately a fine henchman. Oh, and let's not forget the mother of all current villians: Osama bin Laden.

Anyone know what he's been up to lately? Well one man, no doubt an expert in his field does. Apparently Osama caused the recent tsunami disaster. That's right, somebody finally put two and two together and got five. Reading this string of logic will most likely cause a brain aneurysm, so be careful out there.

Here's my real problem with that crapstorm of a theory. We're accrediting a comic book/blockbuster movie scale plot to a guy who threatens us with crappy homemovies he makes of himself talking into a Mr. Microphone infront of that rock? I mean come on people, this guy can't even find a nice suit to wear as he slings threats at the infidels, he wears those God awful rags of his. Come on Osama, clean up! Throw some drywall up in your cave, hire a production crew, buy some boom mics, maybe a lapel mic or two (you look like you're hosting an Al-Jazeera game show with that microphone in your hand), a best boy, a few gaffers, and some decent lighting. Because if you want to threaten the western world you have to understand what we're all about: Production Value. Except in the case of celebrity sex tapes, in which case anything will do.

Although I will point out that the Paris Hilton tape was a lot more low key than the Pamela Anderson debacle, and do you know why? Hmm, I'll call on you in the rags. That's right little Osama, Pam had better PV. Get with the program, or we'll start calling you Osama "bargain bin" Laden. And I think that would probably hurt your feelings. I'm doing it all for you here. Hear me out, it's time for change

- Scott

Random bits from the mind of Scott

Ok I have a few posts lined out for the future, but they're all pretty well A-list stuff. I can't start a year on that! People will start to expect too much. Here's some selections from the B team, you know the B Team. They had a somewhat successful show in the 70's. You know...outlaws from the Coast Guard, framed for a crime they probably did commit, rode around in a Ford Pinto? Ring a bell? No?...And you call yourselves cultured. Pfft.

Anyway over the break I had lots of thoughts about things that I intended to work into full length posts. Here is a sampling of those thoughts:

1. Season's Greetings: How. damn. lame. I realize it's a shot at being politically correct, which you all know I personifiy, but come on. I cringe everytime I hear this expressions. Why not say "I'm too big of a pussy to affiliate myself with one specific holiday/religion so I'm going to be vague to the point that you can't sue me" or "Meaningless Holiday Salutations" or "INSERT APPROIATE GENERIC RESPONSE HERE" but if you use that last one you have to say it like a robot. Because if you have ever in your life said "Seasons Greetings" that's pretty much what you are.

2. 2004: A Space Odyssey: Not only did our old year have a movie, but it had an awesome soundtrack. One that is a bit overplayed, but someday I think I'd like to strip to it. dunnn Dunnn DUNNN DAH DUNNN. You know the tune. It would be pretty magnificient.

Anyway, even though 2004 didn't quite live up to it's name (all we did that year was put a friggin' go kart on Mars) it still had a nice "Man, it's 2004, I live in the future" quality to it. What does 2005 have to offer? So far crappy weather, tsunami aftermath, and that's about it. What the hell kind of odyssey do you have in 2005? I mean, my on-going booty odyssey sure. But that's it! I say we all decide on an odyssey for this year and set out on it.

3. My New Year's resolution: To have a secret word of the day. That's right, a Pee Wee's Playhouse reference. And I fully intend to scream everytime I hear it throughout the day. I've called some people about talking furniture, they haven't gotten back to me yet. But seriously, how elitist is it to have a secret word? Super Elite, in fact it goes so far as to be 1337. (If you're confused about 1337, let me break down "leet speak" for you. Basically hackers didn't want people to easily find their sites through searches, and if they did, they wanted it to look unintelligible. So they use numbers and symbols instead of letters. 1337 translates to leet, from elite. Originally it was 31337, for Eleet. There's entire lettering systems for this, check out a tame example here. So there's that.) Look for that in the future.


Finally the word for today is: misunderstanding!
They don't have to emphasize it enough to include the exclamation point. I threw that little gem of punctuation because it's more exciting that way. Even a bland usage of misunderstanding will do. So enjoy that. If this word doesn't come up enough I'll be sure to use a more common one next time. - Scott