Ok, I've had it.

Excuse the Thanksgiving break following my spat of posting, which itself followed a month of binge drinking. That said, I have a bone to pick. And here it is:

Christians Boycott "The Golden Compass."

Are you people serious? I thought I had fought this ignorance in the form of correcting a chain email at my office about the story, and now I find it on my internet sites. Will this crap never end? So, for the last time, I'm going to explain to you Godless... err Godfull natives why you should sit your indignant asses back down and consider boycotting something more logical. Like that rock 'n roll music, for instance; I heard it makes young people want to fornicate!

Without further insults*...

Point by Point Reasons the Boycott is Ridiculous.

1. Most of you were called to action via an email forward.
   
   
   If I knew you people reacted so strongly to email messages I would have told you about my imprisoned Nigerian uncle. You see, he has great riches, but he needs a small fee to retrieve them. I was told that you are a trustworthy person and you could help. Please just send $5,000 Canadian, and when we get the riches we wil pay U back with many many more monies!!!1!
   

   
   
   He really need s UR help!! Send money orders to: 1600 N. Liberty, Scamston, MO. Bless you, my brother.
   
   
   
2. You can watch The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and not want to be Catholic.
   
   Watching The Golden Compass won't make you atheist. And if it does, your faith in God didn't mean anything anyway, and that you'll be just as happy as an atheist. Probably even happier since you won't be hemmed in by all those ridiculous "morals" forced upon you.
   
   And if you're worried that it will only tempt you into thinking blasphemous thoughts... well you've probably already damned yourself. You might as well see the season's best fantasy blockbuster. (You might also take up the phrase "well, I'll be damned!")
   
   
   
   Rejected Special Rebranded Edition DVD set.
   
   
   
3. All the best things are banned and boycotted against by these people.
   
   Seriously. Examine their stances on birth control, sex, legalization of pot, and video games. It's getting to the point where their disapproval is the equivalent of a ringing endorsement. I've stopped reading the entertainment pages of my paper. I just get on the internet, find out what the kooks are frothing at the mouth about and have a go at it.
   
   This method works. It's suggested fun new things to me at about 90% effectiveness. That's a better batting average than Amazon and Netflix combined.
   
   
4. Boycotting actually makes people more aware of the movie.
   
   Ok, reversing my tack from the earlier point: let's say you're silly enough to believe this movie will have adverse affects on people, and that it's insulting to the invisible man who lives in the sky. You only provide more incentive for your rebelling children to see the film by demonizing it.
   
   Also, it implies that you're of the school of thought that any dissenting idea should be quashed. This is usually the result of fear that your own ideas about life wouldn't hold up in the presence of others. If this is the case, please GO BACK AND RE-READ POINT 2!
   
   
5. Atheists didn't boycott The Passion of the Christ.
   
   Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Ringing a bell? Somewhere in some book you might have read? What was it... oh yes it was the Bible. Really, look it up. It's in there. Under "D"; for what you should "do".

So that's why you should all just calm down. After all, Atheists can't kill God! We all know that only the Jews can do that! And only at Easter.

Peace to all.

- Scott

P.S. Feel free to email this rebuttal to anyone who sends you those bullshit forwards.

*I'm afraid there was just no way I could keep this promise.

The Spaz and the Spurious

First thing is first: explaining why I can't buy beer anymore.

Driving home from work two Fridays ago I found myself with wide open(ish) roads ahead of me. I had ditched work two hours early and gone to watch a matinée. And I looked this good. Of course I was in a good place.

As it turned out, I was also passing through several places at quite a clip. I didn't care though, I'd been increasing my speed for several months in what I call the "Post-Ticket Cycle of Shame(lessness)." I made great time, but back in town someone was riding my ass. So, I slowed down another 10 miles per hour. In a 35 zone.

"Take that, dick!" I said aloud.

A few moments later said dick flipped on the cherries. It was a cop. And worse, a state cop. And worse, a woman. I find the fem-pigs are always the most angry at you for breaking whatever law you might have ignored. It's like they always followed all the rules in school while watching everyone else having a good time ditching, skipping, or ne'er do welling... and now it's pay back time.

Her attempt at pay back was the following:

Fem-Pig: *waddle waddle waddle* "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

Dashing Rogue (me): I thoughtfully pause, then: "Honestly, no."

FP: *exasperated, appalled, abbreviated sigh* "You were driving like a maniac. You passed three cars at once back there!"

Internally I smiled as I remembered doing it and realized why she must have pulled me over, and replied:

DR: "I don't recall doing that anywhere, how fast was I going?"

FP: *extreme embarrassment, and a look of dejection* "I... well, I don't know. I never got close enough to clock you. But I saw you at route 3 and you... blah blah blah"

She said more but I already wasn't listening. She couldn't catch me from Rt. 3 to where I was in Jerseyville?! That's eight miles. I know I was hauling ass, and my car has great ability to ignore curves, but holy shit. I outran a cop for eight miles. I was smiling externally at this point and that's where she got even more flustered.

FP: *sweating and adjusting her considerable girth* "Look, I know you were speeding. I know you were. You passed a car and then a minute later you were a mile and a half ahead of it. That's, you could have killed someone. That's absolutely unacceptable."

Now, there's no way I could have been a mile and a half ahead of a car that was already going 60 miles per hour without using NOS. But her estimate isn't that far off. It was great. She knew I broke the law and she couldn't do anything about it. I felt like I was in the mafia.

DR: *smiling wickedly, with a flourish* "If that's true, I'm sorry. I agree. Completely not acceptable. So what needs to be done, Officer?"

FP: *snippy now, and more flummoxed* "Well I think you know I can't give you a speeding ticket. I didn't clock you speeding. You're getting a following too closely citation. You can pick your license up at the court house in five working days."

And off she went. I still can't buy beer because I look so young, and my license is being held ransom until I pay my debt to society. But I don't need it, I'm still intoxicated by my accomplishment. If I had just taken the turn before town she never would have found me.

But I've learned my lesson: the next time I find myself rocking out as I play leap-frog down 109, make damn sure to keep the radar detector running... and maybe invest in a police scanner.

So, has anyone else got away with something this good during my month off?


P.S. This whole adventure reminds me... ask me about the time I went to jail. That's a post in and of itself.

Patience, Grasshopper(s).

I'm back, collective bitches. Celebrate! I just got back from the longest two weeks of my working life, the culmination of all that work I started in October. I'll explain more, but I'm actually back to my usual, slacker work schedule and actually do need to pretend to work. Often it's just as hard as doing actual work.

...Jesus, I shit you not, as soon as I typed that our manager informed us that a co-worker has had a heart attack and that one of his projects is in my lap now. So that's... just awesome. Fantastic.

In any case, my blog sabbatical worked. I'm refreshed, and I don't want to burn down this elaborate series of tubes called the internet, every time I realize I need to post. I've also got hilarious stories about the following:

• Incompetent Hospital Workers.
  
• Asshole Doctors.
  
• A very flustered State Trooper.
  
• The Detective who is sure I'm lying, but not able to prove it.
  
• Reckless driving.
  
• Made-up words.
  
• Sandwich Cults.
  
• Robots.
  
• Or get your diploma.

There'll be a post when I get home from work tonight. With photos, swearing, and the element that makes all my posts so special: love.

- Scott