Soylent faux pas

Enough of that frivolity. Though if you haven't seen it feel free to take a look at the mini-story arc of Scott "The Pimp Hand" Gresham below. I want to talk about something more serious. Much more serious. I want to talk about people. Specifically eating them.

A few weeks ago, Molly and I were driving back from a Gentleman Auction House show we saw in St. Louis. As is usually the case in our conversations, eventually I said something completely innocent and normal, and she freaked out. I believe I said "Do you ever wonder what people tastes like?" To which she replied "What?" I simply elaborated, "I just wonder what a person might taste like. Like cooked up. Not that I particularly want to eat people, it's just that I wonder how they'd taste. I've heard the meat is kind of gamey."

At this point she became very serious and told me to "Never say that to anyone ever again." And completely freaking out like I was going to get taken away for even suggesting it. As if they could be listening right now, and I'd put both of our lives in jeopardy.

But damn it, I'm curious.

The other thing is, if I were eating people, I'd do it in the manner stereotypical of their homelands. For instance, my Asian neighbor? I'm thinking I'd do some teriaki stirfry and spring rolls. If the guy was German, maybe I'd make some bratwurst and sauerkraut. If he was Canadian? I don't know. I'd eat him while watching hockey I guess. From Kenya? While infomercials would promise me I'd get to eat him if I could just spare a few cents, I would never find out if I actually did or not.

I feel I've made my case. Am I right or what? Causal mentions of cannibalism are the height of civilized post-concert conversation. But I'm willing to hear other points of view. Let me know.

- Scott

It ain't easy, but it's necessary.

"So I'm chasin' bitches like Tom chased Jerry." This weekend I have the highlight of anyone's year: The Pimps 'n Ho's Gala Affair. So, in preparation I updated my pimp wardrobe, and stole a feather for my pimp hat, which I've never actually had the opportunity to wear. But it's all money well spent, as I get hardcore ghetto gangsta pictures like these, and you get the opportunity to see a little of my bedroom. Ladies you might want to try to memorize the layout, it'll save time later.

"Do I need to go upside that ho's head? ...Maybe."


"No, just a threat of the pimp hand. Can't damage the goods."


"Yes I believe those is some good ho's."


"Whoa, whoa, whoa. No pictures."


"Now you did it. You gets Tha Pimp Hand™. Next time it'll be a gat, SUCKA!"

There is never a next time. So, that's what my outfit looks like. Part of it anyway. I still have to add an undershirt, a pipe, several gold chains (or one extremely gaudy one), a cane, and pants. That's right. These are pants free pictures. It's layers of depth like that one, that really keep readers comming back to The Wonder Blog.

- Scott

Watch a heel crush, crush.

I had to Google for the lyrics, I thought they were "Watchin' Neil crush, crush" which would have been a better title. Oh well. You get the picture. It's time for the famous Crush o' the Week segment here at Bufford the Wonder Blog.

Name: This week's lucky lady is Anne Hathaway.

You know her from: That annoying Disney movie that you watched anyway. Actually, those three annoying Disney movies you watched anyway (Princess Diaries 1 y 2, Ella Enchanted).

Charm Bonus: She's from New Jersey. I know last week's was geographic as well, but I just have a thing for Jersey girls. I blame Garden State. They're all like that right? Although there is that shirt... I might have to rethink that one. How about this: she's naked in Havoc. Eh? Eh? No? Ok, she's got the same name as Shakespeare's wife. Now that's actor-ey.

Scott Bonus: I've decided that she's just too sultry to reduce down to 175 pixels across, so from now on you can click the picture to see the original, uncompressed version. I'm swell.

- Scott

Snakes on a Blog

Ok, so I'm posting on this topic after it's become pretty established internet lore, but since we're going to start seeing trailers soon, I'd like to mention it before it becomes huge. Since last September or so I've been hearing rumors of a new Sam Jackson movie called "Snakes on a Plane." I couldn't believe it. Just by the name, I knew it was going to be the kind of movie I would be at the 12:00 showing for. But then some crazed netizens got wind of it and the whole thing just kind of exploded. The plot as you can guess, is that... wait for it... snakes, have been released on,that's right kids, a plane. Obviously to kill a mob informant. That goes without saying.

Hilarious enough. But then the nerds who got hold of the name started making promotional materials and it just spiraled out of all control. I think you'd better just see for yourself as words truly do it little justice.

I've already pre-ordered tickets.

Sam Jackson, living proof that type casting works.


One of my favorite fan posters.

My favorite part of this entire story is that New Line decided to shoot for five additional days after principal photography wrapped to bring the movie closer to what we're anticipating. They also bumped it to an R rating so that we get lines like "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" or "This is some ELABORATE shit!" and others culled from the fansites like this one. All in all, I think we're in for an interesting summer movie season, and if more film makers acquiesce to fan demands, an interesting period in film. If you'll excuse me I've got to check my car for mother f*cking snakes.

- Scott

Sidebar Shenanigans!

Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, "Shenanigans."
Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy stuff on the wall and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
Rabbit: Oooooooh.
[as they hand the captain their pistols]

I firmly believe that Super Troopers is my generation's Streetcar Named Desire. I feel that statement is so obvious I don't need to explain the, very solid, underlying logic. Suffice it to say, there is not an inappropriate situation to bust out a quote from the film. Like today, at the outset of my newest sidebar addition: The Crush o' the Week. Because I am constantly falling in and out of superficial love with one actress or another, and the attraction doesn't always warrant a full posting.

So here's the deal. I'll update it each Monday, at the same time as the Top Five/Bottom Five. And they'll each get their own micro-post, explaining why they deserve such high accolades. Like this:

Crush o' The Week Post

Name: Rachel McAdams
You Know Her From: Mean Girls, The Notebook, The Family Stone, Red Eye, and guest appearances in my daydreams.
Charm Bonus: She's Canadian. So she probably needs a green card. Want to become a citizen Rachel? I've got an idea involving a sham marriage, but a real honeymoon. Let me know.

You get the gist. The only down side is that by the very act of seeing actresses in films and harboring frivolous attractions, nothing can ever come of it... except a restraining order. Even if I became famous, and met them, it would create a block. If she's heard of the crush she's likely a bit leery. If not, there's still the guilt I have from knowing random bits of trivia about her. And I just know they'd come up in conversation at some point. "So, Rachel. I'd expect you to be a pretty good driver considering your father drives professionally." From there it would just get weirder. So, knowing full well that any girl in this section has essentially been taken out of the realm of wildest possibility, I introduce "My Crush o' the Week" section.

- Scott

Remember, remember the fifth of November...

...Gunpowder, treason and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
should ever be forgot.

That's a fun thing to murmur to yourself while you're standing in line at Chicago Style hotdogs. At least I thought so. Apparently it was kind of creepy to my fellow consumers of questionable comestibles . It's a poem refering to the failed attempt by Guy Fawkes to blow up the Parliment. It's also one of the fun quotes V, the titular (heh heh heh) character from V for Vendetta, bestows upon the audience. He rattles off a bunch of others, including a fantastic two minute aliteration using only the letter v shortly after his introduction.

Overall, I'd reccomend everyone see this movie at some point. If you're the type to wait for DVD, fine. But you are denying yourself something by missing it on the big screen in a room filled with people feeling the same chills you are as a result of the score, the drama, and the action. Not to mention the badass factor. My Heiger Counter (A combination of a Hardcore Meter and a Geiger Counter set for Awesomium particles) actually exploded in a shower of computer generated sparks upon measuring this movie. It's that good.

I read J Fi's review of the movie and I agree; Natalie Portman did a fantastic job. Perhaps her best since Leon/The Professional. But I was particularly blown away by Hugo Weaving (aka Agent Smith/Elrond, son of Earendil) and the level of acting he managed to get out of that Guy Fawkes mask. A tilt of the head, a strategic revelation of the molded plastic eyebrows, the variation in lighting, however they managed it (and I pray not via subtly different masks) somebody deserves some recognition*.

I liked it so much I actually bought two posters from this movie. Go. Now. See it.

| |

On the left, the first one I bought. On the right, the one I caved and decided I couldn't live without. Ah, Natalie Portman. How I love thee.

- Scott

The Dark of the Matinee

I love movies. Alot. Good ones, really bad ones, some of the in-between. Recently I've had the chance to see a few movies that I really enjoyed. The first of which was Failure to Launch not because it was a great romantic comedy, in that regard I think it will be quickly forgotten. Like Along Came Polly; did anyone buy that one on DVD? I thought not. No, I liked Failure because of its parallel to my life and one supporting actress.

As I currently live at home in my post-grad slacking phase, much to the chagrin of my parents, Failure to Launch was particularly funny to me. Almost as funny as my parents ever more desperate campaign to make living at home uncomfortable. It started with some blunt suggestions: "Why don't you just move to Champaign now?" or "Do you have to live here?" To be honest I find it pretty entertaining. So that was nice, but minor compared to the real reason I liked the movie.

Even in black and white, she just gets hotter.

Zooey Deschannel. I had no idea she was even in this movie. Finding her here was like seeing an old flame at a concert, locking eyes across the crowd and reminicing about making sweet love on a golden Sunday afternoon. Or something less dramatic. But it was damn nice. Especially considering how I feverently dislike Sarah Jessica Parker but she seems to be constantly surrounded the actresses I like most. Like in The Family Stone when she had Rachel McAdams and Claire Danes backing her. And when she hugged Zooey and actually touched her with those old man hands... I need to stop this harpy from appearing in movies I want to see solely for their supporting actresses. Because really it has to stop. Suggestions?

- Scott

P.S. I also liked V for Vendetta, but that's the post above.

It's a twista, it's a twista!

After the ass whoopin' Springfield took on Sunday night, I decided that it would be a great time to go up and pay my bills. After all, they were due the next day. On getting there however, I realized that this post-apocalyptic version of Springfield was going to be more of an inconvenience than I had originally thought. This became apparent when every FUCKING ROAD TO ANYWHERE NEAR MY APARTMENT was closed off by some morbidly obese, mustachioed, doughnut munching pig cop standing by his car languidly waving his hand in the direction he wants you to go. This annoyed me. Somewhat.

When I finally got to my apartment I decided to ditch my car and take a tour of the destruction. At this point I should mention that I have a check list for qualifying true post-apocalyptic landscape. First of all there should be no power, no gas, and if possible complete anarchy. Check. Secondly, people should be walking around with no place to go, or standing outside their home looking outward with a primal glimmer of threat in their eyes. Check. Finally, I should get to prance about in a Beyond Thunderdome-esq wonderland of destruction. Check.

So much for the pig that lives in the brick house.

The one of the first things I noticed. This is Rob's building. Otherwise just some windows blown out, but the brick detail work is almost competely gone. Fortunately it fell over in order so they just need to glue it back together and slap it back on the wall. In a related story, I know nothing about how construction works.

The dangers of living with Katie Kaboom.

The townhouse across from mine had a new look to it as well. Something was different. Then it hit me! The roof is... missing. Where could it be?

The roof, the roof, the roof is... on that guy's van.

As I've often said, "Take my spot and pay the price." I found it to be pretty hilarious when the owner of this van tested the engine and it still worked. He drove it to another spot. However the radio was beyond all hope.

The first of many life endangering pictures.

One of the hundreds of snapped telephone poles dangling their telecommunications and power lines dangerously over the roads and walkways. I decided to get a picture with one. Why not? I'm a mayhem tourist. It's what we do.

Feelin' the power between my legs.

Sorry, the sun was too bright to aim a decent shot, but you get the gist. I was later informed that, had there been any power running through those lines I would have been dead or shocked within two feet of it. But hey, it makes for another nice picture. As I was walking along looking for more potential pictures, I saw a telephone pole falling on a group of orphans. Quickly I charged forward, caught the pole with my bare hand, and had them take a picture. As seen below:

Damn it kid, you got sun glare in it. Next time I'm letting the pole fall.

A little harsh. I quickly changed my mind about the glare and decided it made me look even more heroic. As such, I withdrew my threat on the orphan. And gave him some food. Orphans are wild about food. Let me tell ya.

Thank you, loyal subject.

This isn't actually from the tornado. The billboard just bowed down before me when I passed by. They all do that. It's a little destructive, but at least I'm getting some respect. Apparently they revere me as a king. I guess they heard about the orphans.

- Scott

Spring Fling

It's spring. Or it feels like it anyway. About time. Any more of that winter crap and I was going to stick somebody. Fortunately for everyone, I've seen OZ and I know I'm way too pretty to spend time in federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prision. So nobody's getting cut. But not only does spring mean a lessening of my sociopathic tendencies, it means good wind. Fantastically awesome wind in fact.

I care because good wind means I can jump 30-40 feet, and if I'm lucky, maybe get about 12-15 feet off the ground. Also it can mean I get to watch my friends and family members dragged across fields or maybe smashing into other family members. It's wicked hilarious. How do I accomplish this? Is this one of my latent mutant powers. Pfft. Like I'm going to blog about my mutant powers. It's a secret identity for a reason people. Maybe I should just show you:

Damn, I'm dashing.

If I look a bit nervous it's because that was taken on my first attempt, a very windy day. Hence my expression, and all the hockey equipment and shoes I have weighing down the kite while I get ready. I also wore the hockey stuff, so as not to be destroyed if I was lofted high into the air and thrown into trees. Because all over the packaging they basically tell you that you're going to die. Also on the kite surfing (which is what this kite is for) forums I read, they pretty much tell you that if it's your first time to have someone teach you, or you're going to die.

I got jerked around pleanty. But I learned. And now this season I'm graduating up to a larger kite. My current sail is 3 square meters. My next one is going to be 9. Which means I can fly it in less wind, or in the same wind with more dramatic results. Wish me luck.

- Scott

It hurts us, it hurts us!

Breif explanation post:

Below is my penance for the erratic postings of late. Without my my normal schedual of school, home, video games, post, I'm somewhat thrown off. However I resolve to fix this and post nearly every day. Each week I fail so utterly in my attempt to do so I will punish myself as seen below.

I decided, if I'm going to post like I write a Xanga blog, I might as well write like I have a Xanga blog. (And over there they just ask if you have a "Xanga" as though that is a legitimate term for something. God I hate them.)

- Scott

P.S. It made my skin crawl to write like... them. So I don't think I'll be breaking my new posting schedual any time soon.

We'Re GoInG dOwN sUgAr!!!1

today was really kewl. i woke up and took the biggest leak lol. it was like a firehose lol j/k. then later i had a sandwich. i like sandwiches! dewd id rather have a sandwiich then sex some times LOL LOL LOL jk. OMG yall i will be 21 in ONE week. its pretty hard to believe. check out this quiz I just took!!!

8 Firsts.........
First Best Friend: ummm idk, i was too young duh!
First Kiss: somebody <3.....>

First music You Remember Hearing: like i can remember that dumbazz!

First Car: 90 new yorker!


7 Lasts............
Last Time you skipped class: evaryday beeyotch!
Last Alcoholic Drink: i had a sip of a beer once it was nast!

Last Car Ride: ummm.... like every day!
Last Kiss: lots
Last Movie Seen: DOOM... dewd it is like the hottest movie alive!!!!!
Last Phone Call: I called to see what my friends were doing... they were eating sandwiches!@!! hah hah
Last CD Listened To: 50 Cent! that shit is hotttttt


6 Have You Evers...........
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: no, im not gay... duh
Have You Ever Broken The Law: me and my friends sometimes steal... sandwiches!

Have You Ever Been Arrested: no we eat the sandwiches before we get caughtzorz

Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: heck yes!
Have You Ever Been On T.V: just once, it was at a women's rights protest or something. women's rights protest... it sounds like they don't want women to have rights. ROFL! i stood in the crowd and held a sign too. my sign said 'make me a sandwich.' they called me a sexist! but dood, i just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sandwiches!

5 Things.........
5 Things You're Wearing: just boxerz... too big for breef's, if ya know what i mean. hahaha i mint my penis@!
5 Things You've Done Today: woke up, peed (LOL), wrote on XANGA, listend to music, went to school, dumb!, didn't learn hahahaha
5 Things You Can't Live Without: water, KORN, the band hahaha, not food corn, women, yoohoo, and sandwhiches
5 Things You Do When You're Bored: read xanga, me and my friends should be on tv, hahaha, light stuff on fire!, look at porn, watch TV, play doom3
5 Places You've Been: here, there, up, left, right HAHAHA

4 Favorite Things........
1. telling the internet what i did today
2. family guy it is probably the funniest cartoon ever!
3. side boob!
4.

3 People You Can Tell *Almost* Anything To.........
1. fiddy cent
2. grover cleveland
3. drive thru attedants


2 Choices......
1. Black or White: black cuz it's the color of my korn shirt
2. Hot or Cold: hot just like me LOL j/k


1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die......
eat sandwhices!

ok RAW is on so i'll ttyl

Ah maturity, thou elusive... thing.

Awesome title no? For someone who scored in the 94th percentile on the GRE's verbal and vocabulary portions it's wicked good. And stuff. However for all my verbal prowess, I'm somewhat mathematically gimped. It's not that I'm bad at it. The test confirmed that I solidly kick the crap out of a whopping fourteen percent of the population. I feel like Japanese (and let's face it, probably Mexican) school children are laughing at me right now.

But I'm laughing too. Why you ask. Have I had the time to watch some fantastic comedic television like The Office, Family Guy, or the later seasons of Touched By an Angel? No. Perhaps I've made it to a comedy show. Also no. The truth is I've been being incredibly immature. And I'm having a great time.

Example one:

At a play. A Flea in Her Ear. Not that the production I saw was bad, but the play itself is inherently ridiculous. Couple that with the fact that I passed out at the start of Act One only to reawaken at intermission... I didn't have the best go of it. However, I sobered up (it was Unofficial St. Patrick's Day) and watched the remaining two acts to catch this gem, "He's in there having a great time under the golden shower."

At which point I died laughing. All around me, silence. To which I reply "No one? No? Ok..." and slide down in my seat a little in an attempt to pass out again. I was a lovely theater goer that night.

Example deux:

Dyke Under Fire in BBC Online Row. No real need for explanation here. Although I was under the impression that this practice was stopped sometime after the middle ages. It's 2006 open your minds a little people.

Finally example three:

The riviting follow up story to "Their Back!" as seen below:

- Scott

The Roaming Graduate

I can't imagine a more appropriate title for myself right now. Except maybe roaming lothario. I like that one too. Anyway, I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to because my world is pretty much chaos right now, but I did write an article for publication, and as it somewhat pertains to this I'm going to post it and call it an update. That's right... love me.

Hi kids, it’s your faithful former editor back to tell you about the “real” world. The first thing I can tell you about it is that it’s filled with disease. Seriously. I spent my first week out of college moderately sick, only to recover for the weekend and make the mistake of enjoying my newfound degree a little too thoroughly. Needless to say, I spent the next week sicker than the first one. So protect yourselves. Incidentally, a trip to the chiropractor and some acupuncture actually did make me feel better. (I was really just there for the massage.)

But that’s not the focus of TRG; it should be about the perilous next step after your undergraduate studies. And so it shall be. I have this piece of advice for you: If you’d like to go to a graduate school, apply the same time that you applied to Robert Morris College. That’s just how the deadlines work. You can plan ahead for it. Just think of when you would like to go to grad school, and apply twelve to fourteen months ago. I am exaggerating of course, but only by a month or two.

Now that you have the benefit of this wisdom you can pity me that I did not. After recovering from my two weeks of eyeball-aching, morphine-requesting, bucket-befriending illness I idly decided to check on the requirements for attending the University of Illinois to further my academic pursuits. As it turned out, I had about two days to fill out the applications, write three papers, and beg for letters of recommendation. As another piece of advice, it’s best to politely ask for such a letter as far in advance as possible. It never helps their opinion of you if you ask “Would you consider writing a letter of recommendation, oh and could you do it in the next few minutes?” Not all of you are charming enough to pull this off... but I can't imagine what, despite my charm, they wrote about my time management skills.

So the lesson for this week is simple: apply for grad school today. Not interested? Do it anyway. You’re a freshman in college? Then now is the perfect time. You’re illiterate? Well, there’s always Business classes.

- Scott