Sunday, December 06, 2009

Frodo Gusoku

So last night I hear something like a woman being beaten. She was screaming bloody murder, and it went on long enough that I was convinced it from a person, not a TV. Sounds like it's coming downstairs, just outside my window.

Now it's pretty dark down there, and I can't see anything. But that doesn't mean much since you could park an Escalade covered in obese strippers down there, and because of how deep the shadows are in contrast to the streetlight, your night vision can't see it for shit. Compounding matters is that I'm not sure what to tell the cops even if I called them:

"Uhh, yeah I heard a sound from somewhere, just a minute ago. Please check it out? Also, don't investigate me, because I don't legally exist in this state*."

So, I did what I've been training for since Zork. I threw on my blackest clothes, my freak feet (because they allow me to walk silently), my bracers of +5 awesome, and grabbed my only sharp sword in one hand and a novelty bat in the other. That's right bitches, I dual wield.

Bracers displayed, here.

And I stole down the stairs, keeping to the aforementioned dark-assed shadows like some kind of Frodo Batman Gusoku, samurai/hobbit/vigilante. I'd resolved to call the cops from my Google Voice number, as presumably they'd have no idea what to do with that. And only if I didn't have to stick somebody. Finally I reach the spot where I'd heard it. And.... nothing.

I stalk about for a few moments, brandishing my sword and bat, seriously menacing the walls of my building, but nothing. The sound is gone. Also, I am freezing. I then decide, time to pack it in. I'm almost back up the stairs when I hear the sounds of a woman screaming again. I run back down to where I was and... I realize it's a goddamn movie.

An extremely quiet movie except for the screaming parts, containing roughly no sound track. From what Rob tells me, I think it was the new version of Halloween.

I retired last night disappointed that I didn't get to cut anybody, and annoyed at my building's apparent lack of insulation.

I would do it all again...

* Another story. Another day...


  1. I know, I know, I shouldn't comment first. But I wanted to add that I love that photo of myself.

    There's a motherfucker ain't nobody wants to mess with. Look at him! You can see it in his eyes. Those crazy, terrifying, strikingly alluring eyes.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. So ... are your bracers of +5 awesome better or worse than the boots of escaping? Just asking.


    (had to delete the spelling fail)

  4. Lol, thats F***ing hilarious. XD

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