Sunday, December 06, 2009

Frodo Gusoku

So last night I hear something like a woman being beaten. She was screaming bloody murder, and it went on long enough that I was convinced it from a person, not a TV. Sounds like it's coming downstairs, just outside my window.

Now it's pretty dark down there, and I can't see anything. But that doesn't mean much since you could park an Escalade covered in obese strippers down there, and because of how deep the shadows are in contrast to the streetlight, your night vision can't see it for shit. Compounding matters is that I'm not sure what to tell the cops even if I called them:

"Uhh, yeah I heard a sound from somewhere, just a minute ago. Please check it out? Also, don't investigate me, because I don't legally exist in this state*."

So, I did what I've been training for since Zork. I threw on my blackest clothes, my freak feet (because they allow me to walk silently), my bracers of +5 awesome, and grabbed my only sharp sword in one hand and a novelty bat in the other. That's right bitches, I dual wield.


Bracers displayed, here.

And I stole down the stairs, keeping to the aforementioned dark-assed shadows like some kind of Frodo Batman Gusoku, samurai/hobbit/vigilante. I'd resolved to call the cops from my Google Voice number, as presumably they'd have no idea what to do with that. And only if I didn't have to stick somebody. Finally I reach the spot where I'd heard it. And.... nothing.

I stalk about for a few moments, brandishing my sword and bat, seriously menacing the walls of my building, but nothing. The sound is gone. Also, I am freezing. I then decide, time to pack it in. I'm almost back up the stairs when I hear the sounds of a woman screaming again. I run back down to where I was and... I realize it's a goddamn movie.

An extremely quiet movie except for the screaming parts, containing roughly no sound track. From what Rob tells me, I think it was the new version of Halloween.

I retired last night disappointed that I didn't get to cut anybody, and annoyed at my building's apparent lack of insulation.

I would do it all again...

* Another story. Another day...

15 comments:

  1. I know, I know, I shouldn't comment first. But I wanted to add that I love that photo of myself.

    There's a motherfucker ain't nobody wants to mess with. Look at him! You can see it in his eyes. Those crazy, terrifying, strikingly alluring eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So ... are your bracers of +5 awesome better or worse than the boots of escaping? Just asking.

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/911308/

    -tim

    (had to delete the spelling fail)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lol, thats F***ing hilarious. XD

    ReplyDelete
  5. Earn easily 200 dollars here in the internet. Simply be an affiliated member and promote the site and its product! http://www.earn-200-dollars-online.info/

    ReplyDelete
  6. thank you ... i needed a good laugh and i appreciate this is a good read... i in visioned being there with... keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Geart Content.I have appreciate with getting lot of good and reliable information with your post.......
    Thanks for sharing such kind of nice and wonderful collection......again, beautiful :) I love reading your posts. They make me happy :D

    Please visit om these keywords :-- silver eagle coins | silver eagle coins for sale | silver eagle coins value | buy silver eagle coins | silver eagles | american silver eagles | silver eagles prices | silver eagles coins | 2012 silver eagles | us mint silver eagles | proof silver eagles | silver eagles rolls | us silver eagles | buying silver eagles | us silver eagle coins | morgan dollar | morgan dollar values | silver morgan dollar

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have visited your blog and i got a reliable and megnificent information with your post.Thanks for sharing useful information with us.Great!!!!
    Please visit on these kypertext keywords:-- factoring company account | equipment rental companies | factoring accounting | equipment rental company | factoring company | equipment leasing | stone arch lending

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous8:43 AM

    I've read a few good stuff here. Certainly price bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how a lot attempt you place to make such a wonderful informative website.

    my web page ... www.cedarfinance.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous8:43 AM

    I've read a few good stuff here. Certainly price bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how a lot attempt you place to make such a wonderful informative website.

    Also visit my web site ... www.cedarfinance.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous1:46 AM

    Thanks a lot for sharing this with all of us you actually recognise what you
    are talking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally talk over with my site =).
    We could have a link exchange arrangement among us

    my page; how to make money fast online for free

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous7:39 PM

    Spot on with this write-up, I truly believe that this site needs a lot more attention.

    I'll probably be back again to read more, thanks for the info!

    Here is my website; cedar finance binary

    ReplyDelete